This is going to be a short one. I am freakin' exhausted.
I am writing this on a keyboard that is sitting on top of a printer, which sits on top of a BluRay DVD player, which sits on top of some folders, which sits on top of a book and a calendar. The monitor Im staring at is resting uncomfortably and wobbly on top of 3 white moving boxes. I am slouched over forward because the keyboard is way too low to the floor, and my mousepad is placed on top of a speaker that is toppling over and only stays upright on hope. I do not yet have a computer desk/table, and I needed to get some work done immediately for my job as an adjunct professor coming up on the end of a semester, so I made a desk for my computer out of random objects; piling them up like a house of cards. It isnt pretty, but it will have to do for now. Oddly enough, thats sort of been the running theme from the past year of my life.
Those of you who have been following and reading this blog know that when my husband Don died suddenly in July of 2011, I had to leave our apartment and move in somewhere new with a roommate. You may also remember that only 6 months after living with this roommate, he decided that he no longer wanted me living there, and asked that I please find a new place by June. Well, fast-forward to May 10th, and here I sit, in Flushing Queens NY, talking to you all from my lovely bedroom, which features a view of an elementary school. Not exactly the beautiful, gorgeous, picturesque room with a view that I had just 4 days ago in Forest Hills. The NYC sunset - or the city lights, twinkling and speaking to me in the dark. No. This view is much different. It is a new view, seen from a person who has new eyes. This room has a view of new things - things I didnt ask for, but got anyway just by the experience of living. Things like perspective. Peacefulness. Calm. The very second that I pulled away in that moving truck with my awesome friends who helped me transition from A to B, I could feel the tension and the anxiety and the insecurities being lifted from my being. I could feel myself returning back to me again. I cant predict the future, and I dont know whats going to happen with my new roommate situation and my new apartment. But I have a good feeling here, and I dont feel like I need to hide inside of myself or that Im not good enough or that Im constantly being judged. It just feels like my home, and its that simple, and that complicated.
Its like my grief counselor said to me a few weeks ago when I was feeling sad about leaving the neighborhood of Forest Hills and that amazing view I had from my bedroom: "Its like this: you can have a view of an elementary school and feel good about yourself, or you can have a beautiful sunset view and feel like shit all the time."
I think I made the right choice.
Kelley Lynn, seems a metaphor for life, I guess "the view" and its beauty is what we DECIDE it is....in any and all cases. Maybe a beautiful sunset was the view you needed up until now for your healing, and the new view you need is this elementary school...I don't know for sure, but I like to think the universe brings us just what we need when we need it, and how we use it is up to us. When stuff happens, even the worst stuff, eventually we can decide what our perspective is: despair or hope. Maybe the elementary school view will have its own beauty, or maybe you'll choose to get out and see the sunsets or sunrises from various new locations. Change isn't easy...often scares me, handling change and trying to see things from a new perspective. I am struggling with doing that now, with rebuilding. Reading your post, to me it sounds like you've chosen hope today. Keep choosing it, girl, and I will too. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post Kelley and thanks for sharing despite your disorganization and exhausted physical and mental state. I so agree with Anon #1 that we do chose: hope or despair. Early on despair was the clear and obvious choice, but not so much anymore. Thanks for a hope filled message. Good luck to you in your new "digs"!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm packing up this moment, preparing for what will come, the chaos has started. Ya know, the activity around a school may surprise you, all that energy those kids have may be just the thing you need to see. I often tell my 20 something kids that where they are now (job and housing) is not where they will be for the rest of their lives, it is just one point along the way. If you have good vibes about your new apartment, that is huge, you know how those feelings have an effect on day to day existence. Soak it up, and keep going. Thanks, Kelley, hope you settle in and explore that playground.
ReplyDeleteKelly I have been following your blogs and posts and it gives me hope to think that maybe there can be a good life awaiting us. Keep those messages coming; they are truly appreciated!
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