Friday, May 3, 2013

Maggie's Angel Day v4.0


So I’ve been sitting in front of this keyboard now for about an hour waiting for the inspiration to hit me.  I’ve never been one to search for things to say (or type) but tonight, while the oddly cold Texas wind blows a gale outside and the house tries to expunge the smell of freshly delivered Indian food, I sit stymied at the keyboard, not lacking in things to say, but instead, wondering where to start.  But it’s my day to write and I’ve got to start because I need to finish because I have a date with a glass of very old scotch and I need to show a box of Kleenex who’s boss.

Maggie and I met in the oddest way – a mutual acquaintance brought her to my house as one of a cadre of girls.  His carrot for them was “He’s got a boat!”  His carrot to me was “I have girls!”  Obviously, the man knew how to work deals.  Days later, on June 14th, 1999 she and I were stuck together for life (although we didn’t quite realize it yet.)

The more time we spent together, the more strongly we bonded.  Unlike all the other women I dated (and the numerous other guys she dated, the little floozy), I liked her more and more every single day!  It was a new experience for me and for her.  We shared much later about how our respective pasts were filled with frequent exercises in gently crushing our ill-matched dates’ hearts.  But when she and I met, it was if everything lined up perfectly.  Ms. Yin, meet Mr. Yang.  It was as if our souls exhaled, saying, “Ah, there you are!  I’ve been looking for you!”  So, on February 28, 2004, we called it a done deal.

Now, I wasn’t exactly the “I want to get married” type.  I may (or may not) have put up a little bit of a hissy fit (but there's no evidence since the only witness went off and died on me.)  My compromise was that we’d have two weddings: one for her and one for me.  HER wedding was February 28, with all the frilly and food and flowers and penguin suits.  MY wedding was the next day, February 29th….  In Las Vegas… with Elvis…. With me dressed as James Dean and her as Marilyn Monroe with 30 of our closest friends in assorted movie star costumes in tow.  Tell me that’s not awesome!  ☺

Fast forward only a few happy years and she was following her dream in law school at Baylor.  My dream of business school was just around the corner.  Then the shit hit the fan. In December 2006, at her birthday party, she pressed my hand against her chest and asked, “Does this bump feel weird to you?”

That was how it began.

Tomorrow, at 7:30 PM CST, just four short years ago, after she said, “Come closer” and after I skooched my body up against her as tightly as I possibly could, it ended.

I cannot imagine the man I’d be today had all I just described to you never happened.  But I can tell you these things without a doubt:
- I am a better man because I had a friend who unabashedly used me for my boat
- If you think you need a doctor’s opinion, GO TO THE DOCTOR!  NOW!
- Like keys fit locks, souls definitely have a “Oh, there you are!”
- Wishes, hopes and dreams don’t mean shit.  But believing they do make for happier days.
- You choose your state of mind.  But damn, sometimes it seems like there’s a huge crowd arguing against you and they are very convincing with their logic and/or threats
- When in doubt, don’t be afraid to apply a good scotch and lots of Kleenex… liberally

... And, Maggie, just in case you are reading this, Good night, My Love.  I love you no less today than I did yesterday.  And no more than I will tomorrow.

Now, about that scotch.  And Kleenex....

16 comments:

  1. Oh, I can relate to what you are saying so well. My chance encounter was when I was working at a laundramatt. He asked me on the last day, the last hour, before I would move back home after living at college. I never ever went out with strange men, but for once I thought what the heck, be a little adventerous! You probably will never see him again! But six months later, I moved in to my family's surprise! But they loved him as much as I did. I have been trying to just find someone to date, have not had a lot of luck, none really, but reading your story makes me think that, maybe that's the problem. I have to let it happen rather try to make it happen! There will be no one to replace, my first true love, but their could be someone to become my second, but I must leave it up to the universe or God to bring us together when I am truly really, but for now I must grieve and hope at the sametime. And believe that my love will send him to me, for a medium told me he would. Someone funny, smart and understanding of him. I guess I will choose to hold unto hope will I also, hold unto a box of tissues, just in case!

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    1. Best load of laundry ever, I suppose. Congrats on a great love story. Here's toasting to taking risks and finding two in a row!

      Chris

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    2. Oh, Anon, it heartens me to hear you're holding faith with a possible future love which a medium told you about. I talked to a respected medium myself recently, and what I came to believe is that our passed loved ones are actually helping us process our grief and also to find love when we are ready. I am certain it all sounds flaky to many, but all I can say is that I am an intelligent and skeptical woman, and I am not naive....the myriad of detail that came through could only have been from those who I've lost. No one else would know. I've felt great comfort in being assured they are not gone, they are well and happy and peaceful, and are still very much by our side all of the time. Of course it would be better if they were here still in body, but the truth is, they are not. :(

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  2. All I can say is "I think I love YOU" what a luck lady Miss Maggie!! Enjoy your scotch and make sure those kleenex are the "with lotion" type.

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    1. It was I who was lucky one. I told her that almost every single day.

      On the "lotion" suggestion, thanks. My nose and eyes aren't very pleased with me this morning for that lack of discretion. Next time, though...
      Chris

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  3. ((Chris)). I'm so sorry for your loss x4.

    On the 28th I went through my first yr anniversary (sadiversary, angelversary, whatever the kids are calling it these days) and it sucked. I did my year. Now I want my gold star and my husband back. Isn't that how it works?

    I hope that the whiskey and the kleenex provided some comfort in their own ways.

    I enjoy all the writers at WV, but your words tend to resonate the most with me. Thank you. Wishing you softer days ahead.

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    1. Yup, you get your gold star now that you made it through the 1st year. And you are totally over it now, right?

      Thanks for the kind words.
      Chris

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    2. of course! totally back to normal and all is hunky-dory. husband, what husband? sigh.
      Liza

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  4. I love this, thanks for sharing and I hope you enjoyed the Scotch!!!!

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  5. Thank you for writing this. I lost the love of my life two years ago on May 14. My heart hurts every single day and I still can't get the last few (painful and terror filled) weeks of his life out of my head. I keep waiting for those memories of health and happiness to kick in to replace the ones of fear and loneliness and dread. Thanks for being a good writer. I'm sorry for your pain and loss.

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    1. I'm sorry for your pain and loss. Death sucks. Or maybe death is great and we just don't know it. But, for sure, being left holding a broken, half-beating heart sucks.
      Hugs from Austin.
      Chris

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  6. Yes, awesome his and hers weddings! I do believe your explanation of souls meeting is exactly as it is, somehow they just know that "you're the one". Well said.

    My man was a boat guy too, the last boat, already in the islands, we planned to retire onto and see some of the world. Plans do not always come to fruition, as you know. Seeing the world without him just doesn't seem right, no matter what others say.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I am often criticized for being so sad still (3+ years). Of course, none of them have lost a spouse, or they would understand.

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    1. It's a pain you and I hope NONE of our well-meaning friends ever understand. Sadly, many will eventually.

      Boats - we had so much fun on that boat. It was one piece of our great life together. Sounds like y'all had a great life, too. Congrats on that. And very sorry for your loss.
      Chris

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  7. Chris.. Wish we lived closer. Texas and Michigan to far apart. You and I have things in common. I met my wife through a friend, we were supposed to me married on 27th, snow storm and married next day. Your wife and mine passed away from the same form of cancer. Hard way of finding friends being widowed, even though we never met, you have many friends that share a loss in life just reading your post..We all could share that bottle once in awhile also..
    Peace be with you.

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  8. So true what you say Chris. I lost my partner very suddenly Easter weekend 13 months ago (but who's counting, eh...). We met late in life after much water had gone under the individual bridges of our previous lives and were just starting our new life together (lived together for 7 months with plans for a committment service on 12-12-12). Just a couple of other bullets I could add from my perspective that I can say without a doubt:

    *I am a better man because I had a friend who was my best friend, my soul mate, my companion and my partner...and we loved each other completely and unconditionally;

    *My life is better because of what we experienced together and the new friends, and friendships, inherited from both of our “previous lives”. A truly “blended family” by choice, not by birth;

    *Even though it will never be the same, life does go on - if we allow it. I have chosen to allow it. As L.Thomas Holdcroft noted, “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” - I’ll try to keep that in mind.

    The last bullet is a tough one, but it is a necessary reality to help maintain one's sanity. All the best, and thanks for such a well written and thought provoking message.

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