Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Even Now ......


...... depression sets in.

I rarely see it coming.
I just seem to wake up mired in it.

It's usually accompanied with the sense of feeling completely overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by all that I'm "in charge of",  all the upkeep that comes with owning a home that is slowly becoming way too large, way too lonely and getting larger ...... and lonelier.

I feel overwhelmed with being the only one.
The only parent.
The only home owner.
The only care taker.
The only decision maker.
The only bill payer.
The only appointment maker.
The only receiver of phone calls/emails from well-meaning schools and teachers.
The only responsible party.
The only mistake maker.
The only safe person upon which to vent. 
The only one who has to decide when to sell this house.
The only one who has to decide what the hell to do with all of the "stuff" inside this house.
The only one to talk to many days of the week.
The only one to talk to almost every single night of the week/weekend.
The only one having to come up with health insurance for 5 people.
The only one to eat dinner with.
The only one in my bed every night.
The only one who can't sleep most nights.

The only one.

In a life that was meant for two.
And more.

But though it still comes ...... even now ...... it doesn't come very often anymore. 
In fact, I can't really remember the last time depression paid me a visit.

And though it still comes ...... even now ...... I know that it will leave again ...... sooner, rather than later.
I now know that depression is not moving in with me, with no end of its occupancy in sight.
I know that I may feel sad, blue, tired, depressed ...... for a day or three, but then depression will move on.

I didn't know anything about depression in my "before" life.
But in my "after" it became something I learned a lot about.
More than I  ever wanted to know.

Which has turned out to be a good thing.
Because though it still comes to pay me a vist ...... even now ......
I know that it won't take me down.

Because I've grown stronger over the past 5 years.
And I'll continue to grow stronger ...... in spite of, and because of,  being the only one.

Even now.


  1. I share the same thoughts. Since Jane'e passed away I now have everything to take care of myself.
    It is hard to do and manage a good frame of mind. Tomorrow be the 3rd Thursday garage sale I'm having. Have cleared out 70% of her clothes, so been a process didn't expect to do. Like you I miss the sharing of decisions. The house we both loved to live in, lot of decorations she done inside that I can't clear out--otherwise be quite empty. So the house is hard coming and going from.
    Keep pushing forward and realize we are not the only ones going through this process.
    Peace be with you..

  2. I'm the only one, too. No matter how many friends you have, at the end of the day you are still alone, more decisions every day. I not only am purging my home big time, I'm dealing with 5 rentals we had, plus a charter boat we were to retire on. Four of those are up for sale, including the boat. Time to let go and move on, not easy but I have realized I just want a simple life, in a simple house, I need to take care of "me", not all this other stuff, it's dragging me down (and most of the stuff in the house was his!). It's taking much longer to simplify it all, but as I do so, it feels like the right thing to do. Good luck to all of you in your decision making.

  3. Janine, I was feeling this exact way over the last week or so. Being the "only one" is exhausting and thus, there is little energy to fight back the depression. Just staring my 4th year and have noticed the depresssion comes less frequent and stays for less time than the first two years. Being the "only one" still sucks, though.

    Thank you for your honesty and inspiration!

  4. At the 2.5 year mark. This gives me some hope that someday the depression won't hit as frequently.

  5. You touched my heart. Most of my tear bath parties are related to being the "only one"; for all the items you mention. I realized this Christmas as I plopped in a chair at 11:30pm on Christmas Eve that I had not marinated the steak for Christmas dinner....I looked around and realized there was nobody that I could say, "Would you mind mixing up the marinate and throwing the steak in?" It was me or it wasn't getting done.
    There is nobody to pick up prescriptions, buy dog food on the way home, meet with the sprinkler guy or hold me at night telling me tomorrow will be better.
    Even with a wonderful "advisory team" that has informally assembled to help me, at the end of the day, all the bottom lines are mine. Hope its not like this forever. I really believe "life was meant to be shared."

  6. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling. I am a widow of sixteen and a half months, and though I have a lot of support, no one can understand the depth of pain, the aloneness and loneliness of being without your other unless they have experienced it for themselves. The worst is knowing I'm alone, and the runner up is trying to explain it to someone who cannot understand it because it isn't their loss in the same way it's mine. I can only hope over time the pain will ease a bit.

  7. I also feel overwhelmed so much of the time; being the "only parent, only one to take care of this big house and yard and 2 old cars and...". My husband died 20 months ago and my youngest son is leaving for college in a little over a year. I am already dreading the "empty nest", with no spouse to share with me. This is not the way we planned it.

    1. I also have an empty nest after losing my husband. The best advice I can give you is to start now in making some changes to your routine as if your son wasn't home to make the transition a little easier. I had found that others who have experienced similar situations are a huge emotional support. All the best to you.

  8. I can so relate.. as the song goes one is the loniest number. I think that I might have to sell my house soon my youngest is leaving in August for college and it will then be just me..I am at 4 months and know that everyone says to not make major decisions for a year but sometines you have to do what you have to and trust you are doing the right thing. Authentic and simple are the words that keep running thru my mind and that is my goal to live simply and learn to trust myself..

  9. Thank you Janine...every single word of your post is true for me also. It's been almost 2 years of losing my husband and until reading this I didn't realize this may be depression or didn't want to admit it to myself. Being "the only one" is overwhelming and I'd day one of the least understood parts of this by friends and family.