Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Even Now ......
...... depression sets in.
I rarely see it coming.
I just seem to wake up mired in it.
It's usually accompanied with the sense of feeling completely overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by all that I'm "in charge of", all the upkeep that comes with owning a home that is slowly becoming way too large, way too lonely and getting larger ...... and lonelier.
I feel overwhelmed with being the only one.
The only parent.
The only home owner.
The only care taker.
The only decision maker.
The only bill payer.
The only appointment maker.
The only receiver of phone calls/emails from well-meaning schools and teachers.
The only responsible party.
The only mistake maker.
The only safe person upon which to vent.
The only one who has to decide when to sell this house.
The only one who has to decide what the hell to do with all of the "stuff" inside this house.
The only one to talk to many days of the week.
The only one to talk to almost every single night of the week/weekend.
The only one having to come up with health insurance for 5 people.
The only one to eat dinner with.
The only one in my bed every night.
The only one who can't sleep most nights.
The only one.
In a life that was meant for two.
But though it still comes ...... even now ...... it doesn't come very often anymore.
In fact, I can't really remember the last time depression paid me a visit.
And though it still comes ...... even now ...... I know that it will leave again ...... sooner, rather than later.
I now know that depression is not moving in with me, with no end of its occupancy in sight.
I know that I may feel sad, blue, tired, depressed ...... for a day or three, but then depression will move on.
I didn't know anything about depression in my "before" life.
But in my "after" it became something I learned a lot about.
More than I ever wanted to know.
Which has turned out to be a good thing.
Because though it still comes to pay me a vist ...... even now ......
I know that it won't take me down.
Because I've grown stronger over the past 5 years.
And I'll continue to grow stronger ...... in spite of, and because of, being the only one.