Wednesday, May 1, 2013

He Comes Into My Dreams ......


...... far less than I'd like.
I think.

That's the way it's been since the beginning.  I can't remember how long it took before I finally had a dream with Jim in it, but it was several weeks after his death.

I remember the first dream vividly.
He and I were sitting at a table, across from each other.
We both knew he was dead.  But he came to reassure me that he could see the children ...... and me.
And that he would always be there.
Then he disappeared and I dreamed another scene, without him in it.
After that scene happened, he came back.  And proceeded to tell me everything that had just occurred, to prove to me that he really could see me.

That the was the first, and best, dream.

As I said, I seldom dream of him.
But when I do, most of the time he reappears after all this time, only he's alive.  He tells me that he just left for a while.
And usually I stare at him, open-mouthed in disbelief.  And I want to be very, very pissed at him.
But I never am.
I simply tell him everything we've been through in his absence.
In the belief that he was dead.
And I am so ...... well, as you can imagine ...... beyond relieved, joyful, happy, etc., that he's not dead.  And that he's back.
That's about the time I usually wake up.
Damn it.

A few times, like last night, I've had dreams that left me ...... unsettled, for lack of a better word.
So unsettled that I'm glad I don't dream of him more often.
I don't remember as much about those dreams when I wake up ...... except that he's always dead in them.

I have no idea what any of these dreams mean.
Or actually, if they mean anything, which I doubt.

And I have no idea why I haven't dreamt of him more often.
Or what that means, if anything.

But ...... just as I remember the best dream ...... I also remember the absolute worst.
Which sounds like a good dream.
On the face of it.

Jim came into the house while I was still in bed one morning.  I woke up and saw him going into the bathroom and I started crying, almost hysterically.  He came to me and held me and asked me what was wrong.
I told him that I thought he had died ...... and I told him everything that had happened since.
He assured me that he was very much alive ...... and that I had only had a nightmare (shades of "Dallas", anyone?)
The dream kept going after that ...... with him being very, very alive.
And there was no containing my happiness.

And then ...... I woke up.
And I believed, for almost one full minute, that the dream had been real.  And that this whole thing had only been a nightmare.
Then, after that glorious, wonderful minute ...... reality woke me the rest of the way up.
And I cried.
And cried.

I still cry, remembering that morning.
It was horrible ...... to wake up thinking that life was as it should be again.  And that I had only dreamed a nightmare.

Instead of actually living in one.

Maybe I am glad he seldom comes into my dreams.
It's easier to find hope again when you don't dream the impossible.
At least for me.


  1. My husband has been gone just short of 7 months and I have yet to dream of him. I would give ANYTHING to have a dream where I could see him and touch him and talk to him ... for just a little while. I am missing him now more than ever. My daughter's husband committed suicide 2 weeks ago and I so need him with me now to help her... sometimes I wonder what God has in store for my family... I know you're not supposed to question him... but Why??? Two good men gone... WHY?

  2. Debbie,
    I think it's more than ok to question Him. And anyone says that's wrong and they've never done it, has a wee issue with truth-telling.
    God knows we're human. And He expects us to be human, not perfect. Only one person could achieve that, and solely because He was only half human. :)
    So go ahead and ask Why, if it makes you feel better. And maybe it will for a while. As will screaming at Him in anger, telling Him this sucks, and yes, even telling Him that you hate Him. Because, like you, He's a parent. And He knows you don't really. And He'll keep loving you, even if you really do.
    As for the answer to our Why ..... I don't believe we'll ever get that. And even if we did, the reason would never be good enough for us. No reason for the death of our loved one would ever be "good enough".
    I'm so sorry that you have a reason to be here, to try to find answers, solace or hope.
    But I hope you do find solace.
    And more than anything, I hope you find Hope.
    I promise that it's out there ...... you just can't see it yet.
    But I'm here as proof. And to offer you a hand when you need it.
    So until you can catch the first tiny ray of hope ...... keep breathing.

  3. I dream of Jim fairly often and it is always just our normal life..just like I wish it were. I am always so disappointed when I wake up and the other side of the bed is cold and empty. I agree that sometimes it would be easier to not dream at all.

  4. My partner died very suddenly 13 months ago and I have had some "visions", not dreams, but I see his presence of feel it. the first time I was half asleep on the chesterfield (because I again couldn't fall asleep in "our" bed) and I felt a chill down my spine, leaned up and looked around and he was standing there - never said anything - just standing there as he used to do when he came out to chat with me after waking up from a nap. I rationalized that I was having issues with things I would like to have said to him or repeated to him (such as how much I missed him and loved him) - but my immediate realization was that, yes I had things I would like to say to him...but he probably had a lot he wanted to say to me also... I guess the scary part of this is that if I move on with my life (whenever that might be), how do I deal with the guilt of being with someone else if he is still "with me"... This is a huge issue for me and any potential or future partner. How could they,or why should they have to, deal or compete with a ghost as part of a new relationship? I am so torn with this issue!

    1. Dear Anon,
      You ask such an often-asked question. In fact, I dare say that we've all asked that one before .... will I feel guilty if I do find another person to love?
      I could just flat out tell you, "No." ...... or, "Maybe, but not for long.". But instead, I'll ask you a question: If you were the one who died, would you want your partner to keep living life to the full ...... even if that means experiencing love again?
      If you're the kind of partner that I think you are ...... one who truly loved and still loves that person ...... then your answer would be an automatic, "Yes! Of course." When you love someone you want the best for them. You want them to feel loved and to not be alone. And just as you would want that for him, I bet it's safe to say that he would want that for you ...... just as much.
      It's difficult to imagine at 13 months, but the best way I can describe it, is to borrow a story from Dr. Seuss. We all know about the Grinch, who's heart was 3 sizes too small. He didn't love anyone, nor had felt love from anyone, so his heart shrunk. But the moment he felt that first spark of love, he felt his heart go up a size.
      That's how it is. Your heart increases with the amount of love it holds. I also compare it to being pregnant with a child when you already have one (or however many). The second time you're pregnant you think there's no way that you're going to be able to love this child as much as you love your first. It seems impossible. Your heart almost bursts with the love that you feel (and felt for the first time) when you hold your child. And, truth be told, you sometimes worry about that. You worry that it will be obvious to this second child, and to everyone else, that you love the first child more.
      And then that second child is born ...... and you have no idea why you thought that. Truly. As soon as you lay eyes on that child, your heart grows in size. A human heart is an incredible thing. It's relatively small, and yet it can hold more love than one could ever imagine.
      And, if you should find love again, there won't be any competition. For that new man will not be the same man, but the love may feel just as wonderful.
      So for right now, try not to worry about a future love. Just keep breathing ...... one day at a time. And when it happens, it will happen.
      I promise.

    2. Thank you so much for your response...what you say is so true and truly was a lifeline for me and I will keep that in the back of my mind as I take another breath and proceed forward with a little glimmer of hope for the future...THANK YOU!

    3. Anonymous: As a woman who loves a widower with all her heart and soul, I can tell you that when the time comes that you are truly ready to move into another relationship, that new special someone should embrace you for all you are including that you will always love and miss your dearly beloved partner. Janine is right, it's like loving two don't love one more than the other, just differently, and they both bring uniqueness and wonderfulness and different experiences to your life. I have grown to love who I believe my boyfriend's late wife to be and feel I "know" her in spirit. I really think she brought us when I think of her or know he is, there is no uneasiness on my part at all. All I can say is don't rush it....walk your grief walk, make it your own, and come to true acceptance before you move forward with a relationship. When you are ready that wonderful match will come to you, and both you and he will be able to hold your continued love for your partner at the same time as holding love for each other. I am truly sorry for your loss. I've not lost a partner myself, but I have lost a dear and close brother, and watched his wife and kids and my parents struggle with that from a front row seat. It took a long time to find we could peacefully hold his memory, but eventually, the edges got smoother. The hole never gets filled, but the sharpness gets worn smoother over time, and we did all find happiness again. My sister in law remarried to a wonderful man and they gave me a new niece as well. Happiness can truly come again after even bitter and terrible loss. Sending a hug. Will keep you in my thoughts.

  5. Your entry is so timely. I dreamed of him last night. It was so nice to feel that familiarity and safety with someone. I asked if he could stay and he said he didn't think so. As marvelous as it is to have that closeness again, it re-opens the wound to have him leave and know he is not, cannot come back in real life. I wake up grateful for that fleeting moment and memory and aching for the loss all over again.

  6. My husband has been gone 9 months. I was so aching for a hug so badly. About 3 months ago, he came to me an I swear he was actually here, we talked and walked and he told me everything would be ok and we hugged.. An to this day I still feel the hug. he was leaving and I cried don't go don't go and woke up sobbing. I cried for several hours, I don't know if it was because he left again, or because that hug was so real. so real...