I had a dream about Daniel the other night. After 7 years of believing Daniel was dead, I found out he was in prison. My dream was filled with the details of going through the entry process of the prison and waiting for what seemed like forever to finally be admitted for a visit.
Once I was through the doors and into the waiting area, I sat down to wait. The room was sort of a forested area with picnic tables. I had a book, not sure which one, and I was reading it quietly. I looked up to see that the room had changed and I was now in a sort of bunkhouse, and it was clear that Daniel was laying on the top bunk of one of the beds. He didn't know I was there, and I didn't want to tell him. I sat quietly trying to avoid making a sound so he wouldn't notice me. In my dream I felt guilty for a moment for not wanting to see him yet, and then....he saw me.
Of course, he was young. In all my dreams he is 25 year-old Daniel (even though he was 35 when he died) - and I am always MUCH older. This dream he looked the same as he always does, but this time, unlike every other dream I've had of him, I could touch him. I hugged him, and he kissed me hello. I woke up.
I have no idea what this dream was supposed to mean, and I felt so sad when I woke up. Not sad that he wasn't really still alive and just in prison (although that would be great!), but sad that I didn't get to talk to him and "catch up". I wanted to hear how he was doing. I wanted to catch up with my long lost best friend. I wanted to tell him all about G and how fantastic he is.
I hope he watches over G and is as proud of him as I am. I hope he can see him and isn't really missing out on his whole life. That is the hardest part for me: knowing how much each of them is missing out on the other. It just isn't fair to either one. If I'd been able to sit in the prison lobby (forested or bunkbeds) and tell Daniel the story of his son....now that would have been a wonderful dream. Maybe next time we'll be able to finish our chat. I hope so.
My son has been in prison and it isn't someplace you want to be even in a dream. I am sure Daniel is very proud of G and watching over it. About a year after Jim passed my son asked me if he thought his dad was proud of him. I told him Yes and know that the answer I gave him was true. I know Jim is watching over us but it still doesn't ease the pain or the longing for him. Hugs Michelle.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle. Im Kelley. I write in here on Fridays. This post was really beautiful, and I just wanted to tell you that Ive had a couple dreams like this also, where I could FEEL my husband and hug him. I had one dream that was just a hug - thats it - no words at all - just me hugging him. I think I had that dream because I REALLY needed to hug him again. So maybe you really needed to hug Daniel again for a second and say Hello ....
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