I'm kinda struggling tonight (and this post is late). I just can't seem to catch my breath....
Last week, my daughter was sick so I had to take a day off work and look after her. This lead to my class of kids Not Coping Well with my absence, so the rest of the week was spent calming and redirecting about 7 students and reassuring the rest of the class that order had been restored and everything was OK again.
Not to mention worrying about the sick kid at home with the temperature of 41°C (trust me when I say that is scarily high in centigrade).
Then my Mum had an accident on Friday afternoon - she was knocked down by some dogs, and long story short ... she ended up in the ER with concussion and a memory loss that scared the living daylights out of me. She also ended up with a broken tibia, but this wasn't picked up until her GP ordered an xray on Monday. She is now in a moon boot for the next two months.
Mum is my main support person. She also cares for my Dad but I would have folded in a heap a long time ago if it weren't for her. ...and to see her so utterly confused and in pain was like a cold, hard kick in the guts.
As an added bonus to that drama, one of the paramedics was talking to me as the ambulance made its slow journey into hospital with Mum in the back, and I mentioned that she was my Person now as my husband had been killed in a car accident..... which lead to him asking about Greg's accident. I saw him pale as he tentatively asked if it was That accident with the Porsche.
...and so my brain being what it is, I spent quite a bit of Friday night contemplating just how badly a person can be injured when a seasoned paramedic pales when speaking of it 3 years later. Its times like this when I wish my brain wasn't that kind that always needs to know more, research more, find out what puts the "bad" in "bad accident". But you don't get to be a research scientist from not wondering too much about stuff....
...and now tonight, the tiredness has caught me. I am trying to catch up school work that was missed due to the Not Coping last week.
... the insanity of coming home to find my tack-sharp mother not remembering what day it was nor what she'd said 5 seconds earlier (she still has a memory loss of about 5 hours from Friday evening that she'll probably never get back).
... the stupid, sleepless hours imaging what horrors are imprinted on that paramedic's memory from Greg's accident.
....and it all leads to the grief coming up to the surface.
...and I find myself struggling tonight.
But I will sleep soon, and I will wake tomorrow, and I know that like every grief cycle, the grief will ease off again and calmness will return.
I know far too many details of my sons fatal accident, they haunted me for many nights. I am approaching the tree year mark, and it can still hit me when I am worn down or sick. I think this just comes with losing someone to a 'bad accident'.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I can relate to everything you have described. Last week, grief was parked at my doorstep and it just wouldn't leave. An ambulance went down my street and I stopped and was flooded with the memory of "that" night three years ago, when my husband took his last breathe. My mind was filled with the flashing lights of the ambulance and state police cars. I sobbed for awhile hating everything and everybody and then, well, we have all be there..... like you said, the calmness returns.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your very honest post! Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your mum!
I agree about the "grief cycles"; when my sadness and sorrow dipped over and over to the lowest I had ever seen during my early grief, it scared me. I was afraid that I could honestly feel that badly and actually not care if I lived or died. Hanging onto hope by a thread. Only to resurface from that cycle to a better one and then cycle back downward yet again. I did learn the truth, that grief does cycle; and over time, I no longer am scared of the "dips" Obviously, I'd rather not have them, but grief is grief and fighting it doesn't work, rolling with it works much better and I'm honestly not sure which one is easier.
ReplyDeleteGreat description of when life "comes tumbling down."
Dear Amanda, Hang in there, I am not sure any of us who lose a loved one in an accident can get over the pain of not being there with them or somehow protecting them. Be with your Mom and kids and I have no magic thing to say except I am sorry for your hurt and loss.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I know the feeling - been 13 months since the sudden loss of my companion and I have been struggling of late also (I had the mistaken belief, or maybe it was false hope, that it would ease a bit...). these damn cycles, or "dips" as you refer to them, can wear a person down - also dealing with the other "shit" thrown on our plate (is this a test? - if so, I want to know some more specifics - when it will be over, what do I get if I "pass the test"...what are the consequences if I "fail the test"...I don't want a "do over"...). My partner succumbed in 2 days to undiagnosed ruptured blood vessels (went from coherent on admission to emergency for what was thought a bad flu - to a coma, to my permission to remove life support and subsequent death 10 minutes later - all in the space of 2 days!). Faced with losing my life partner and my privacy at that moment (only a few relatives and friends knew of us as a same-sex couple),lost my job 2 days later due to cutbacks, and now having to deal with an aging parent (move her from her home to care home to dealing with memory loss and confusion). My plate is a little full... However, a quote I often rely on to get me through the moment, or the day, is "Trust God. He is closing doors to open others!" I don't know what it may mean, I presume for everyone it means something different, but it does provide some hope that things will get better - whatever that might entail. I'll take that, because, quite frankly, the other option sucks! I hope both your daughter and your mom are on the mend - now, take care of yourself - you are entitiled to do that!!
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