Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Joy and sorrow


Several weeks ago, Steve and I announced to the world that we were pregnant.

After we posted the adorable video we made with the kids (you can watch it HERE), I tried to write a post to talk about this sudden twist of events in our life. A baby was not in the original plan for us when we met, but we came to a place where we felt ready and desired to walk through the journey together as a couple and with our kids as a family. But the post sat on my heart for some time before I could get it right or feel good about it.

Here's the thing: I am thrilled. But in this space, I know I can be honest and say to my fellow widow(er)s that I am also terrified. I didn't know how to talk about both pieces without taking away from the other. Last week, I felt so encouraged after posting about my two worlds colliding, because the truth is, you guys just get it here. Joy and sorrow run side by side in life. And becoming a widow while pregnant sure made the scary factor of this pregnancy even greater.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I felt ready to face this journey again. I didn't think I would ever have to, so there were a lot of pieces I had not grieved before. Knowing that I am having a baby that isn't Jeremy's feels strange. Knowing I get to have a baby with Steve feels wonderful. Experiencing a lot of PTSD about losing Steve is something that he was willing to deal with during this pregnancy because it is truly my worst fear. But somehow preparing my heart for new life and the excitement that comes along with it has overshadowed so much of that.

I had someone on my blog accuse me of committing 'emotional adultery' against Steve because I was 'dwelling' on my life with Jeremy. I was even more shocked that she herself was a remarried widow. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but how do you just 'forget' and move on from the most significant relationship you've ever had? How do you undo building a life and three children with someone? I'm sorry, but it's not possible for me. I carry Jeremy in my heart forever, and Steve knew that full well when he met me. He accepts that and loves me for that. That doesn't, however, mean that I dwell on it or even that we spend half of our marriage talking about the past. Steve is my present and the man I want to walk through the rest of this life with. My relationship and marriage with him is just as valuable as my marriage with Jeremy was - I wouldn't have married him otherwise. But I am and forever will be Jeremy's wife. I will always have his children, love his family, care about his friends, carry on his legacy. I am who I am because of the life I had with Jeremy and no amount of moving forward can erase that.

Phew. End soap box.

Thank you for giving me a safe place to express my joy and sorrow as it runs side by side. Truthfully, as scared as I am to walk this journey again, I am thankful for the opportunity to redeem my last experience and to celebrate the love I have found in Steve. I am ecstatic to bring another life into this world and watch our family come together even more.

But a few extra prayers and good wishes couldn't hurt ;)


  1. Congratulations and best wishes to you! I am also a remarried widow, and knowing the courage taking that step took for me, I can only imagine taking the additional courageous step you are now taking! Thank you for your words and for sharing your mixed feelings on this blog.

  2. Congratulations on the new life and for your bravery in facing another pregnancy. And thank you for your willingingness to share your efforts and your honest thougts about your work to weave together the threads of your life. That honesty will serve all of you well, but especially Jeremy's children as you all keep marching on into the future. They will know that their father is still alive in them and you and even this new family and they will know by your example that there is always room for more love in our hearts. Even when they have been broken.

  3. Vee, you were brave to post this and share your honest feelings here. I will tell you that in the first year, I probably could never understand how you could move on so quickly. But given time and an additional two years, I really do understand. We all deserve to find happiness again, whenever and however that happens.

    So congratulations to you, Steve and your children. I am thrilled for you guys!!!!!

  4. "Emotional Adultery." Wow. What a term. My heart breaks for the remarried widow that accused you of that, because I fear she doesn't know the raw beauty that is holding on to the spouse you lost so deeply in your heart that you'll know he'll be with you forever, while at the same embracing a NEW love, right in front of you, of someone who will walk with you for (hopefully) the rest of your days. Don't let her comments upset you -- she simply hasn't opened her heart to allow it to love - FULLY - both men in her life.

  5. Holy Cow!! What fantastic news! I think you are one wonderful person and I wish for you all the happiness you can stand, and then some!

  6. Beautiful girl, beautiful thoughts, honest words, open heart, loving for the sake of yourselves as well as all these children!!!! You had a great little family, now you have a great big family...Jeremy is SO proud of you, I'm sure. He knew what a great Mom you are! No one could give these two oldest girls, what you are giving them Vee. You've had room in your heart to draw them in close to you as such a positive role mode. Not many people in this world have an opportunity to make such a difference in lives like this. Steve too, has this wonderful impact on the three younger children (notice I'm not saying Steve's Girls and Your children....they are all ONE family with Jeremy still a BIG part. That's Positive and SO wonderful.) And now they all have room to draw your new little one in too. FANTASTIC!. Seeing your video of the announcement made me so very happy for EACH one of you. You can see the excitement in them all..... I was one of MANY siblings...we got a lot of stares too....My parents handled it with glad you can see the humorous side of those stares. :) Hugs

  7. That is great news...congratulations! I wish your family well. They are all adorable. I won't be ashamed to admit I cried through the entire video. Three of my kids are all about the same as three of the kids in the video (8, 5 and 2). I too hope that I will find someone who will understand that I will love Todd for the rest of my life but that it won't diminish the love I have for them.

  8. Oh,thanks for sharing. I just passed my two year anniversary as a widow. A part of me wants to move on, to really enjoy this new life, but I have been afraid to, as I could not understand how I could open my heart to love someone else and not feel like I was betraying Eddie. Your post has given me insight as I prepare to face this next phase of my journey.

  9. How great, Vee. Congrats on a new family member on the way. That's so hopeful and beautiful to read. Can I ask you, did you ever feel you were betraying Jeremy by loving Steve at the beginning? I fell in love with an incredible man a about a year and a half ago, about 2 years after Matt passed, but as time has gone on and I feel increasingly stronger about Colin, who by the way thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life with me :), I started to get simply terrified that if I keep going and keep being happier and happier with him, I'll be giving up everything about my beloved Matt. I am beginning to hurt Colin because I am pulling back. Though he is totally accepting that I will always love Matt, I am the one that can't get past the idea that loving Colin is somehow trading one for the other, even though I know that's not rational. Will I ever not feel this way? As if I have to let go of and lose Matt in order to have Colin? I am frozen, fearful that I will never be able to balance these two things, because I can't do it if it means losing the rest of Matt, which is how I feel not matter how I rationalize with myself. I feel guilty for betraying Matt loving Colin, and I am slowly destructing what I have with Colin because I can't move from this position of fear. He's been so patient, but that can't go on forever. I am sick over it. Guilty for betraying Matt and guilty for hurting Colin. Will it ever stop and when? Sorry to dump, but just don't have anyone to ask this. Thanks. Tammy

    1. You cannot change the past, only days ahead of you. You have a life to live, you won't' forget the past, but move on and enjoy life for what it is meant to be. Trust God.
      Peace be with you.

  10. If I move on, I will lose what little of Matt I have left. So, I don't move on and therefore I am losing Colin too, and what's more, I am hurting him. But I can't let go of Matt. I just wondered how Vee or anyone else did it...if they struggled with the same thing.