Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Case Of The Bothers


My husband has been gone for 1090 days.

6 days from now I will be walking into the 3 year anniversary.. even though I don’t want to.

It’s insane when I think about it being only 3 years.

It feels like all this happened to me in my last life.

It feels like a horrible nightmare. It doesn't feel real.

I guess I am starting to disconnect from my before life. Or maybe I have disassociated from my husbands suicide.

One thing I still struggle with is there will always be a hole in my heart where Seth belongs. It bothers me that I will never “get over it.”

It bothers me that I have another 40-50+ years to live with the pain of losing my husband to suicide.

It bothers me that I suffer because of my husband’s decision.

It bothers me that I know how badly suicide hurts.

It bothers me that every July 27th will be another year that he is gone.

It bothers me that I will never forget.

Knowing and realizing that I will never get over it is unnerving and makes me feel like no matter how hard I try to move forward.. it’s not enough.

I hate that my memory is losing the sound of his voice. I have to try really hard to envision his face.

I hate that when I do try to remember his face, I see him in the coffin.. with the bullet hole..

I hate that I am losing our memories. The good memories. The years and years of memories are slowly being forgotten.

It bothers me that the 3 year anniversary feels more painful than the 1 year anniversary.

It bothers me that it has been 1090 days.

It bothers me that I know how long it’s been.

It bothers me that all of this.. bothers me.

It bothers me that…

I am widowed.


  1. oh mel honey , i so get this. not the suicide part, obviously, since i have no clue what thats like, but the bothered part. I, too, see my husband "in the casket" constantly, no matter what i try and do to stop the image, its just there, and always stronger around july 13th. im so sorry , and i get it. it sucks to feel like its never enough progress, cuz it will always be there, inside us.

  2. I'm bothered that it is two years and that I can't understand how it's been so long already when so often it feels like just yesterday that he died or that he might still wander in the front door. For the first year every time I thought of him whatever thought I had was pushed aside to take me through the last horrible weeks of his illness so that I rethink every decision, every choice, every question not asked or answer not challenged. It's where I went every night, all night.

    In the second year it hasn't been EVERY time or EVERY night that has taken me back to that place - just most of them. I'm bothered that those weeks are just a tiny fraction of our time together and yet are almost all of what I remember. I'm hoping that each year gives me back more of the man I love and turns my thoughts of him from a living nightmare to recollections of the true joy and happiness we shared for so long.

  3. What a wonderful way to describe this horrible crazy circular journey that is a circular journey that never ever ends. I read about how others are restarting their lives while being on this circular grief path..
    How do you even start to do that?
    Yet I do not want to do that...then again I know that it is too painful to stay here...yet too painful to think of a life different than the one we planned as Linda and John.
    I don't know how to build a life without John.

  4. I call it an itchy sweater that I can't get off of me. I wear it all of the time. Sometimes it itches and drives me insane. Sometimes it's just a mild irritation. When it's on the low end, I know it can get out of control anytime it wants to. My husband was found dead in his car of carbon monoxide poisoning, exactly 9 months ago, to the day: 10/22/12. I still recall the trooper coming to my door, telling me there was no easy way to say it: Your husband is dead. I learned later they are trained to just let you have it.
    Nothing will ever be the same, I think we all agree upon that. The Bothers...well, I have a pantload. I argue with myself, talk to myself, chastise myself, encourage myself, compliment myself, cut myself down..all regarding my Bothers. I'm relentless.

    Our wedding anniversary is 8/2. Happy Half of One to Me.