Sunday, July 21, 2013
A Case Of The Bothers
My husband has been gone for 1090 days.
6 days from now I will be walking into the 3 year anniversary.. even though I don’t want to.
It’s insane when I think about it being only 3 years.
It feels like all this happened to me in my last life.
It feels like a horrible nightmare. It doesn't feel real.
I guess I am starting to disconnect from my before life. Or maybe I have disassociated from my husbands suicide.
One thing I still struggle with is there will always be a hole in my heart where Seth belongs. It bothers me that I will never “get over it.”
It bothers me that I have another 40-50+ years to live with the pain of losing my husband to suicide.
It bothers me that I suffer because of my husband’s decision.
It bothers me that I know how badly suicide hurts.
It bothers me that every July 27th will be another year that he is gone.
It bothers me that I will never forget.
Knowing and realizing that I will never get over it is unnerving and makes me feel like no matter how hard I try to move forward.. it’s not enough.
I hate that my memory is losing the sound of his voice. I have to try really hard to envision his face.
I hate that when I do try to remember his face, I see him in the coffin.. with the bullet hole..
I hate that I am losing our memories. The good memories. The years and years of memories are slowly being forgotten.
It bothers me that the 3 year anniversary feels more painful than the 1 year anniversary.
It bothers me that it has been 1090 days.
It bothers me that I know how long it’s been.
It bothers me that all of this.. bothers me.
It bothers me that…
I am widowed.