2 years ago today, I held my brother's hand as he took his last coma-induced breath. And I remember the horror of that moment and feeling ever ounce of grief I had ever experienced release from my body in one instance.
2 years doesn't seem like a long time, and yet in some ways feels like an eternity- I am constantly baffled at how much life can change in such a short amount of time. There is almost nothing that is the same in my life as it was 2 years ago. And yet, with every minute/day/week/month that has gone by, I have slowly and agonizingly learned so much about myself, those around me, and life. And with moments like the one I experienced next to my brother 2 years ago, life flips upside down in a way that only life-changing moments can make it do.
Today, I just really wanted to spend reflective time remembering my brother, and the all too short life he lived. To be thankful for the life lessons I've learned from him, to hold my children tighter because he can't anymore, to appreciate every moment I'm given. Easier said than done, I know. To remember and understand that no matter what chaos goes on around me, hang on to the things that really matter, because 2 years can be an agonizingly long time that will flash before your eyes.
Boy did this resonate with me. It was 1 year ago on April 9th when I held my partner's hand as he took his last breath 10 minutes after I had given the OK for disconnect from life support. The emotions that overcome me as I relive that moment and the time leading up to it and my "after life". I had/have such mixed emotions - the weight on my shoulder to give that OK, and the thankfulness and demonstration of complete love and devotion that he entrusted me to do what was right for him. Like you, my life has been turned completely upside down and inside out since that moment. The emotional roller coaster can only be balanced in my mind by the fact that I have been provided a tremendous gift to have shared his life up to that point, but also a tremendous responsibility to ensure I "pay it forward" on his (and my) behalf to enjoy and treasure any and everything - the good, the bad and the ugly - to "walk the talk" of living and loving deep and hard and unconditionally. It's tough, and at times seems so unfair, but those are the cards we have been dealt with and it is up to us to do the best we can with what we have! Take comfort in remembering your brother and being thankful for what you did have (and do have still to this day) that truly matters (and mattered to him).
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