Monday, July 22, 2013

My Chakras are Messed Up


When I quit my job after Dave died, it was for good reason. I had to move or stay isolated out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, I didn't have it in me to continue to teach. It was too much for me to both teach and grieve.

Starting from scratch, job-wise, has been a test of my personality for sure. Having a steady job that I'd done for over a decade helped me feel settled and anchored in my life. It gave me an identity.

I've fought this lack of identity off and on in the last two years. A part of me gets that it could actually be seen as exciting that I'm starting over. I can technically do whatever I feel like doing (as long as I can continue to provide for myself). The rest of me longs for the security I used to feel. I thrive on security and routine.

And that's where I start to get in my own way. Instead of feeling okay with seeking out that which I love, doing that, and then seeing where it leads me, I fall back into the concept of "I need a job. Any job" and I begin to panic and then feel paralyzed and do nothing. I've put feelers out for a few part time jobs, but no leads yet and I'm vaguely relieved to not have to go through the interviewing and newbie routine at this time.

I've also played with going back to school over and over again since I resigned. Each time I hold one of these possibilities in my mind to see how they make me feel - I feel nothing but mild dread to numbness. Nothing in me says "YES". Is that fear talking or are all the options I've considered just wrong for me?

I saw an intuitive healer the other day. After she closed her eyes to connect to the divine for about a minute, she opened them and said "There is death all around you." Then she said "Someone died recently. Your mom?" After I corrected her and told her that yes, my mom died, but not recently, she went on to describe my chakras.

The crown chakra at the top of our head is supposed to be the place from which we connect to the divine. She said mine was like a storm, black, chaotic, crackling with lightning. She said "You cannot connect with anything bigger than you because you are in so much pain". She said my third eye chakra was "a flatline", meaning there was no way to get in touch with my intuition right now. Too much healing to do.

I don't have any actual experience with chakras. I can't see them or sense them. I have barely even read about them. I don't even yet know how I feel about intuitives or their powers but I was willing to give it a shot.

What I do know is that if I do have chakras, they probably do look or function as just she described them. I'm not able to connect to my intuition or a higher power because of the pain and grieving I'm still doing. So how the hell do I know what to do next with my life?

I understand that there is so much power in just doing. Taking the next step, even if you don't know what that actually is. That I could find a job, any job, if I tried and that I'm not trying that hard. I know that I'm getting in my own way when it comes to working, or at least believing that I can work again.

On the other hand, there may be a part of me that understands that my whole being - heart, soul, body, ALL of it - is under construction. And until the scaffolding is rebuilt (when will that be?!) I might have to think of THAT as my job. Beating myself up about not being back in the working world is intensifying my pain right now and I don't need that either.

I suppose what's really hardest for me is to feel purposeless and unproductive and to long for an identity again.

I feel like I'm taking the easy way out by not pushing myself to do something.

But I am doing something. I'm taking tiny steps. They're tiny because I'm just learning to walk again. When Dave was alive I could leap forward. Now I shuffle along, making progress too gradual to see in my daily life. There isn't a checklist I can work my way down to get me back to where I was before he died. It won't work that way. I'm not the same person.

I'm going to be okay and I'm going to find the right path, including in my career. I'm more than what I do for a living.

One day when I'm working full time again, who knows. Maybe I'll wish for this kind of freedom again.

Right now though I'm stuck and I feel like I'm blocking my own way. Though, maybe that's for good reason. Something in me knows I need a rest.


  1. I quit my job the day matt died. I spent the next two years volunteering on farms, places I could be in as much pain as I was, without being near many humans. I started needing work in year three, and I had the same kind of numb dread you describe. Figuring out wth to do with myself. What I know is that any tiny thing that brings you the slightest glimmer - go with that. The dread, the boredom, the numbness - that's not missing your intuition, that is your body and heart speaking clearly. (i.m.o.)Your chakras may be stormy, but they're still talking.

  2. Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear that more than I even knew I did.

  3. Whew...I can really relate to this. Just the other day I told myself sternly: Just do something. ANYTHING. It doesn't matter if it's part of a bigger plan, it doesn't matter if it leads to new opportunities, a new career, just do something. Anything!! Then my mom, who also became a widow last year, said: you don't have to do anything big, there's still so much going on internally. Yet, it's so hard. I struggle every day wanting to move my life "forward", and to feel like it's with "meaning", yet the meaning is still tangled in my loss. But I find your posts inspiring...I have thought about moving back to the Pacific Northwest, Portland is on my list. Moving alone is such a scary thought. Yet, you did it. And if I were to do it, then at least I'd feel like I "know" another widow who I can have coffee with. That sparks a glimmer of hope for me, and hopefully reinforces that you are on the right path, doing what you need to do. - Katja.

    1. Katja - I'm heading to Portland myself... in 7 weeks. There is, and will be, a whole gang of Us.

  4. Great post Cassie. Glad to see you are open to trying new things to help guide, heal yourself and empower you. I saw a medium healer that had reiki background last year, and have been seeing a new medium spirit guide this year. They both have been very profound in giving me clarity and empowerment to move forward. She told me my heart was "black" too. It felt good to hear her say some of these things that I was feeling, but couldn't quite express verbally to others that haven't been thru loss.

    Another thing my spirt guide told me that I've been seeing, is that after experiencing such a great loss, we go through this new "identity" new rebirth phase. It's like birthing a child, we are pregnant in a sense of going through life after loss. She told me that one would never expect a pregnant woman to run a marathon, but as humans, with families, society, others, or ourselves making us feel we need to hurrry up. And in actuality we just need to go slow, have gratitude, be bold when time allows, and realize we are always loved, no matter what happens.

    Lots of love & hugs,

    1. That's a great message. I love it. And I really really needed it.
      Thank you.

  5. Cassie,
    Your words today resonate with me deeply. Over the eight years that I have been without my Dave, I have been trying to heal, find my way, find my career, my joy...all of it I guess. I too find comfort in the security of routine, but also long for change...a grand change where my life is joyful and different. I am so tired today because if feels like I always wind up in the same place, no matter how much I try. I always end up in this stressful place waiting for something to happen. I keep trying to put it out there and here I am again.
    Moments of joy do come, as do moments of feeling like I've made some good steps...but today I'm not feeling it.
    Thanks for your words.

  6. If you're not ready to do something, it won't happen, no matter how much you push. You are just setting yourself up for failure. Are you ready to try a baby step? Can you imagine doing something more recreational? I finally, after almost three years, decided to take a community ed cooking class. It was one evening, in one way a trivial thing, in another way a huge deal. I have been eyeing a AAAS trip to the Galapagos-as a biologist, I have always wanted to go there, and I just remembered that. This is motion, this is something shifting. These are the small signposts we need to look out for, to tell us that something is changing, that maybe we are visiting the land of the living every now and then. Congratulations to us when something catches our interest! Lucky us, if we don't need a job simply to survive, at least for the moment. I am sure that paralysis is something we all do really well. Celebrate the moments when you find the energy to move, and just give yourself permission to move in that direction.
    Want to come to the Galapagos with me?

    1. Thank you so much. And YES to Galapagos. As a biologist, I've always wanted to go there too!

  7. I had several shiatsu treatments( hands on healing) which also focus on the chakras. When she gently touched my heart area at the end of one treatment, I actually went from a relaxed state on the table to almost jumping off of it. Later she mentioned she could "see" a small babe in fetal position, waiting to emerge into the world again...exactly how I feel, not quite ready for this new life. I feel so very protective of my heart chakra, now I know why.

    You are not taking the easy way out by doing nothing, you ARE doing something, that is grieving and finding your way into the world of the living again...that is hard work, as we all know. You are educating many of your friends and followers, both widowed and not, on just what it feels like to loose the most important person in your life. You are there for so many others that you don't even know, me included. Thank You so much.

  8. I too quit my job and moved to start a new life for myself. I moved to San Diego and I do love it however I have been struggling with the work thing. I know kind of want to do big picture but don't know exactly where to start. Then I start freaking out about not having a job too. I have made plenty of little steps but get mad at myself that I am not there but I have got to be easier on myself! Perhaps you too? We are doing the best we can right? Thanks for posting.