Friday, July 12, 2013

The Big Leap

One good step begets another and who am I to not abide.  So since my last post about finally cleaning out the closet I've kept the momentum going.  I quit my job.  Then I joined a new early-stage high tech startup.  Then I put my house – our house since 1999 - up for sale and am making plans to move downtown in about two weeks.  It’s been an absolute whirlwind of chaos.

I can’t say I’m thrilled with all the upheaval.  But it’s about time I sat in the drivers seat.  Today, a friend asked me how I was coping with all the stress of the change that was going on in my life right now.  I brushed off their question with a dismissive statement saying, “Oh, I’ve been through a lot worse.”  Funny thing, though, is that even though I’ve been through days where walking barefoot on salt-coated glass would have been less painful, this upheaval still strikes my heart cold from fear. After what I’ve been through, you (and I) would think such a simple task would be trivial.  Yeah, well, nope.

Wrestling this great big house full of crap into a packing van and subsequent storage space is beyond my comprehension and my capabilities.  But I have this little secret weapon now: faith.  I have a very simple faith that frees me to believe that even without a clear path I know I’ll land on my feet.

So I’m leaping.  It’s time.  It’s going to be a wild ride.


  1. Chris. A lot to go through, but you already gone through a lot and made it where you are. So the changes your going through now - you know you can do with faith and hope..
    Peace be with you..

  2. Good luck, Chris...this is no simple task and it's anything but trivial. I had some friends help with some things, but I was also able to hire some moving guys - don't try to do it all yourself...I had good results using the Pods moving system. They dropped off the Pod, we loaded it up, then they took it to their storage facility until I was ready to move into the new place. I look forward to hearing updates on your move.

  3. Best of luck Chris!

    The 'For Sale' sign went up just three days ago on my(our) house of 18 years. For the last month my heart & chest has been palpably tight with anxiety as I've prepared the house. I've broken down into tears more this last month than I have the entire past year. (In private of course...)

    The man I've been dating commented this past weekend, that I'll remember 2013 for being a stressful year. (He was kindly helping me with some painting & other work.) I bit my tongue. I didn't want to spew the fact that 2010 will ALWAYS trump as the shittiest year on my record books. (I don't think it's easy for him to ALWAYS remember, EVERY second, that my husband died. And I think he 'remembers' a split second after.)

    And you're right, "After what I’ve been through, you (and I) would think such a simple task would be trivial. Yeah, well, nope."
    I just keep telling myself, "You watched Dave fade away and die right before your eyes. And you survived. You can handle this!" But it feels insurmountable right now. The thought of the work that still lays ahead, is enough to suck the air right out of my chest and make me want to crawl under my bed. (Except that I can't even BE at home most of the time because of showings!!!)

    And I don't yet know where I'm going next. I might rent temporarily so I don't feel so pressured, but it's hard to find a decent place that will allow a big dog. (Dave's big dog, that I wouldn't give up for the world!)

    Looking forward to hearing about your ride! Thanks for sharing Chris.

  4. Amen to faith! One of the hardest lessons we learn, so dramatically and painfully in losing a spouse, is how little control we really have over our lives. The path forward may not be clear or easy, but we forge on. I know now I am stronger than I ever imagined and have found support in places and people that have been a complete surprise. I am so grateful for this community and the honesty in sharing your journey, hope and love. At the worst moments I know there are so many, just like me, working through all the good and bad...that I am not alone.

  5. FANFREAKINTABULOUS CHRIS!!! I LOVE your statement that despite the fear, you have FAITH and KNOW you will land on your feet. Grief takes us to places never before imagined and we learn one painful moment/day/lesson/event/ at a time, that we will survive. Faith got mine and friendship too...I wish you the best in your continual journey of trusting in Chris.

    Missed you at Camp (and thus missed your post about "moving clothes day" ONE I've not yet fully accomplished!!) but hope our paths cross again some day.

  6. This post is so inspiring. Congratulations for taking these big leaps! We do all know, and understand, how changes can still shake us to the core, even though we've experienced one of the worst things a person can experience. Sometimes I wonder if the vulnerability - that "soft spot" I "acquired" in grief, will ever go away...probably not. But like you said, there is faith. The posts on Widow's Voice are so meaningful, the honesty about the rough times, and the honesty about having fear, while still being daring, it's where I find hope that I too will be able to face some of these things, eventually. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Trying to do the move too...viewed a condo today, almost broke out in tears at the thought of moving into a new space, the owner would have wondered at that one. Never ever thought it would be so freakin hard to do this. Aptly titled, Chris, "The Big Leap". Good luck to you and all others trying to have faith.

  8. I think we can,t separate the pain, fear and anxiety of the death of our spouse from all those same feelings we have when we have to clean closets, change jobs, sell houses or whatever...the reason is that in most of these scenarios we WOULD NOT be doing them if it were not for the loss of the most imprtant person in our lives. And having to actually make these changes brings back the pain of our loss all over again...Does this make sense?
    I too know that I will eventuall need to make some of the decisions Chris has made...and hearing he has hope and faith that he will land on his feet is encouraging.
    I too look forward to any updates.
    I am so glad I found this has been very helpful...the one place where I do not feel out of has been 14 months for me...thank you.

    1. Makes perfect sense...all this upheaval would not be happening were he still here. The loss is in your face every day more so, at least for me, especially when you start to sort what to keep and not. Lots of tough decisions in your face day after day. Very tiring. Most others are excited to be moving into new spaces, I am dreading leaving my home, our home. I know it is just a space, but I love my privacy in the woods. Not looking forward to being back out there.

  9. Talk about perfect timing! I am sitting in my home at this very moment surrounded by boxes and moving people. Today my items are going into storage for an undetermined period of time, while I move in with my mother who is ailing, nothing serious thankfully, but nonetheless requires assistance. I started a new job 3 weeks ago and with all this chaos in my world, I am feeling overwhelmed, fearful and honestly a little resentful. Perhaps I need to allow Chris' message to remind me that I need to allow faith to enter the scene and stop relying on myself to get me through this difficult time. Thank you for reminding me there are others out there that are dealing with similar circumstances. Good luck on your journey!

  10. As someone once said,"Jump and the net will appear". So hard to do but so exhilarating if we take the chance and succeed. I love your posts, Chris.