There's a Certain Light ......

...... that leaves your eyes the moment your loved one dies.

It's like that part of me, the light that lived in my soul and lit me up from within,  left with Jim's soul as he took his last breath.  I wasn't in the same room, so I didn't actually see this happen, but I certainly felt that light, that energy,  leave my body.

For the longest time I hated looking at pictures of us ...... of me.  Both "before" and "after" pictures.
I hated seeing that light in the "before" pictures, but I felt something worse than hatred when I looked at "after" photos and saw that it was missing.  I felt hopeless.
There are so many photos of me over the last 5 years that are very difficult to see.  There's definitely part of me missing.  And my eyes look, well, for lack of a better word, my eyes look "dead".

I know I can't be the only person who noticed this.  I know I'm not the only one who's eyes looked dead after the love of my life died.

But here's something that I started noticing in the past year or so:
My eyes are starting to shine again.
It might not be the exact same light that was there "before", but once a light starts to shine, it's difficult to distinguish it from any other type of light.

And not only do my eyes have some light back in them, but so do the eyes of people I've loved these past 5+ years.  People who's eyes also looked lifeless several years ago ...... for the same reason mine did.

I'm sharing this Hope with you today ...... the Hope that light will return to your eyes.  I don't know when, or why ...... I think everyone's timeline is different, and so is the reason our light returns.

But here's proof of the Hope I have ...... and the Hope I want you to hold on to:

Every single person in the above photos lost their light several years ago, just as I did.  I knew them back then ...... back when all of our eyes were a lot more dim.

But I started noticing over the past couple of years that each one of us looked a bit different.  It wasn't just a change in makeup, or hair color ...... or even adding a relationship.
It was just ...... time.
And love.
And Hope.
And joy.

They don't all arrive at the same time, but they do come wandering back ...... little by little, bit by bit.
And once they start congregating inside of us ...... they can't help but put off a small spark of light within us.
No, that light isn't there every day ...... not at first.  It's just a spark so it has to learn how to survive and hold on to its energy.
And it does.

You don't have to believe me.
But pictures don't usually lie.
I have loved these people for over 5 years.
And I've seen that light grow in each of them.

I've seen it grow in some of you, too.
You'd be surprised at how very different the eyes of someone coming to Camp Widow for the first time ...... look when they come back the next time.  And then the time after that.
It's wonderful to see the light starting to glow in their eyes.
Most of us don't even notice it at first.
Not until someone points it out, or we're surprised by a picture of ourselves.

Keep breathing.
One breath, one day, at a time.
And keep Hoping.

I can't wait to see your eyes in the near future.
:)