Sunday, July 28, 2013

Bring On The Rain

Yesterday was my three year sadiversary.

I woke up yesterday and look outside. Of course it was raining, just like it has on July 27th for the last 4 years.

My brain took me back to July 26th, 2010.

This memory has been forgotten or locked away in my brain, for my own protection.

July 26th, 2010 is the day my husband went missing.

The detectives had called me and told me they had pinged my husband’s cell phone, pulled video surveillance, and knew my husband was up at the top of Snowbird (a local ski resort) somewhere. It was early in the day when they sent out search and rescue.

However, they told me they considered my sweet husband armed and dangerous..
That they could not use normal search and rescue… they had to use SWAT to look for him.

As the day wore on, no news came. I was hoping no news meant good news.

They called me that night around 8pm and told me it was snowing very heavily at Snowbird and they had to call off the search for the night.

I remember going to bed that night thinking about how my husband was in the mountains somewhere… getting snowed on in zero degree weather.. I was especially concerned because I had seen the video surveillance. My husband was wearing a light shirt, shorts and flip flops and was not carrying anything.. I knew he was not prepared for this weather.

I suddenly woke up at midnight. I sat up in bed, and instantly knew my husband was gone.

As weird as it sounds, I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew he wasn't suffering anymore. I was okay with the fact that my husband was gone.. because I had watched him suffer for so long. I felt selfish for asking him to fight for so long.

The next morning around 9am the detectives called me and said they needed to meet me. In my heart I already knew my husband was gone.. but hearing that the detectives needed to meet with me, cemented my gut feeling.

They came to my house and told me they had found his body.

The pain and screams that were released from my body.. scared me.

When the medical examiners report came back they ruled the day and time of my husband’s death midnight on July 27, 2010.

The same date and time I woke up in middle of the night and knew he was gone.

Every year since then it has rained or snowed on July 27th.

When I woke up yesterday and saw it was raining, I couldn't help but think about how ironic it is that it rains every year.

The rain brought back this memory.

Now I look at the rain on July 27th with a sigh of relief.

I miss my husband dearly but I do not miss seeing him suffer.

No one should have to suffer that badly.


  1. I'm so so sorry. For the rain, for the pain, for your loss, for your husband's suffering, for all of our losses... but thank you for sharing your journey....

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and for the tremendous suffering your husband endured. You are so brave to use your story and grief to help others.
    P.S. My Pastor (at Saddleback Church) lost his son to mental illness and suicide 3 months ago. He came back today to talk about his son and the sigma of mental illness and "marveled at their courage to fight relentless pain."

  3. So sorry for all of this. The pain, the suffering, the loss. Mel, we met at CWW, during Flash Mob, I was the one in the brown shirt to your right :) Thank you so much for sharing. <3

  4. I am so sorry. A friend of mine experienced a very similar situation and her husband a similar fate...lost in his own world for so long...until he was so lost in the real world that he stumbled and fell and passed away...the situation was terrifying and horrifying for her...and the "I loved this darling man but felt relief on some level" sentiment of hers was shared with just a few close friends as the world does not understand this. I applaud your openness around this and wish you healing and peace. Thank you for your share.

  5. My husband died of cancer 3+ yrs ago.
    And I was thankful that his pain had ended as well.

    You're right. No one should have to suffer that badly.

    Selfishly I wanted him to live. But he was in so much pain. It's so not right.
    And I think I've come to grips but then it never seems to end!

  6. We want them back... but not suffering from physical or emotional illness. We are mourning for the life that we thought we were going to have with the person BEFORE the illness.I want the life together that we were gypped out of.
    I remember thinking that I was relieved that he didn't have cancer anymore.
    July 30th is 4 years for me.

  7. I would like my husband back too..but I would want him back knowing that he planned on committing suicide, then I could have tried to help - help better than I did. Because I look back (9 months ago) and as depressed as he was, I never ever contemplated he would kill himself. Ever. But on some level I must have considered it - because on the night/day my own husband went missing, I contacted the troopers. They asked me "does he own any guns?" No. "Were you having marital troubles?" Yes. So? Would that be the end result? Suicide? In my case, yes. Yes, with all of the ramifications and details that make up a story. A story that ends with our loved one gone. 9 months out, my sadiversary is coming in October. Our 27th wedding anniversary will be 8/2. I used to love this time, I think I'm going to hate the Fall. The trooper came to my door on an indian summers day and asked me to step outside. I thought he was going to tell me that they found my husband, and he just didn't want to come home. Even when I heard "there is no easy way to say this" I thought that is what he was going to say. Then he just said "your husband is dead." Your husband is dead. 4 words that still, when I see them, or write them, it's like my mind is saying "Are you getting this? Are you taking notes? Do you believe it NOW??". Yes, I believe it now, but those 4 words are something no one can really prepare themselves for, even if on some level you think you might hear them someday. Peace to all.