Sunday, July 14, 2013
I am starting to find joy with the small things again. I can actually (finally) sit back, laugh my guts out, have an amazing time, without feeling like I’m pulling my own teeth and have “he’s dead” constantly repeat in my head.
For years everything has been.. dull and painful. Everything has been a struggle. A struggle to drag myself out to do things that are supposed to be fun, when all I want to do is climb into bed. Very few things have brought me joy. There was very few times I could forget about the past and be present in the now.
I am now finding joy in concerts, dancing the night away with my friends, going to the movies, and I am thoroughly enjoying trying new restaurants and new foods.
It’s interesting how grief can sneak in and attempt to steal my joy. I can be at a concert and think wow, Seth would love this! Then comes the he’s still dead, remember?
I've learned that when I’m enjoying myself and the death sneaks into my mind.. to sit with it. To let the music fill my ears, the death consume my brain, but also just accept that my husband isn't here to enjoy it.
I have gotten to where I refuse to let the he’s dead thoughts destroy my joy. Yes when it pops into my head, it kills me piece by piece. But I have learned to tell myself I’ll deal with this pain later. Right now I’m at a concert and enjoying myself.
My husband’s death will just have to.. wait.
His death will have to wait until I am done enjoying myself. It will have to wait until I climb into bed or a hot bubble bath.
My husband died because he found no joy in this life anymore.
I refuse to let his death steal my joy. I still have a whole lot of living to do and I can’t live in the he’s dead world anymore.
Joy is all I will let in my life now., because my husband had no joy, I will have joy for both of us.