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I am starting to find joy with the small things again. I can
actually (finally) sit back, laugh my guts out, have an amazing time, without
feeling like I’m pulling my own teeth and have “he’s dead” constantly repeat in
my head.
For years everything has been.. dull and painful. Everything
has been a struggle. A struggle to drag myself out to do things that are
supposed to be fun, when all I want to do is climb into bed. Very few things
have brought me joy. There was very few times I could forget about the past and
be present in the now.
I am now finding joy in concerts, dancing the night away
with my friends, going to the movies, and I am thoroughly enjoying trying new restaurants
and new foods.
It’s interesting how grief can sneak in and attempt to steal
my joy. I can be at a concert and think wow, Seth would love this! Then comes
the he’s still dead, remember?
I've learned that when I’m enjoying myself and the death
sneaks into my mind.. to sit with it. To let the music fill my ears, the death
consume my brain, but also just accept that my husband isn't here to enjoy it.
I have gotten to where I refuse to let the he’s dead
thoughts destroy my joy. Yes when it pops into my head, it kills me piece by piece.
But I have learned to tell myself I’ll
deal with this pain later. Right now I’m at a concert and enjoying myself.
My husband’s
death will just have to.. wait.
His death will have to wait until I am done enjoying myself.
It will have to wait until I climb into bed or a hot bubble bath.
My husband died because he found no joy in this life
anymore.
I refuse to let his death steal my joy. I still have a whole
lot of living to do and I can’t live in the he’s dead world anymore.
Joy is all I will let in my life now., because my husband
had no joy, I will have joy for both of us.
Beautiful. I have felt similar. I have sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine for both of us. Ridden my bike for both of us. Sipped that glass of wine for both of us. Breathed in the fresh air... looked up at the night sky.. for both of us. Hugs to you....
ReplyDeleteGood for you Melinda. To be able to enjoy yourself with friends, and push aside the grief, even if only til later, is an accomplishment. I am learning to do the same...I just hate when it hits me later, when I'm alone, as it hits with a vengeance. Like I let it build up and eventually the steam (grief) must escape. I live in a resort town, and all theses happy couples and families are always in my face, I just want them to leave my usual quiet places so I can just be. Keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteI wear my engagement ring on a necklace and when those thoughts come in - "He's not here to enjoy this." "Man! I can't believe he's not not here." "He would know the answer." etc... I slip that ring right back on my finger and leave it there for the hour or day or week. When that ring is on, I am still very much his and he is somehow more with me and I feel like I'm sharing the event with him. Then I get past that moment and remember that he's not coming back and I need to start living "my" life (instead of "ours") and I take it off and head into the next event - as just me, as much as is possible. I'll never be the same "me" but with time, I'm getting used to the new one and loving all the influence he has (and probably will always have) on my likes and dislikes, my must haves and all the decisions.
ReplyDeleteI too force myself to do things that is to be enjoyable...yet I really want to just hibernate...literally vegetate other than going to work out of necessity to pay bills.
ReplyDeleteWhat motivates me is I think I am keeping my John alive by doing the things I know he would want to do if he were here and he is not here (for now...yet I do know he is not coming back)....and I savor the memory so I can tell him about it and hope we can do it again..but this time together...Yet I know ..I know none of this will happen. Then I feel crazy thinking such thoughts...and coming back home to an empty house just reminds me of the reality...a big let down....and all the joy becomes what it really was to begin with..false joy...I should have stayed home.
Doing things that you and your spouse did together is hard -- but knowing you enjoyed it also. Coming home after a fun day is now different, but with time for me has gotten better knowing she in thought had an influence of many things around the house. I don't feel alone as much as I use to.
DeleteTrust yourself in decisions, and give yourself room, it does take time.
Peace be with you..
I just experienced this after taking a lovely vacation, surrounded by family, and finally felt some joy. But the minute I returned to the empty house, I was shattered. It took days to pull myself together again. But I won't let that stop me. I'm getting out of town again this weekend. I will be determined not to let grief steal my joy upon my return.
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