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Well, things around here never seem to quite slow down. And lately, in particular, they've sped up into super speed! Steve accepted a new job position in Parkersburg, West Virginia. Oh, and we move next week! We are taking a ride on the crazy train and loving every minute of it. Well....almost every minute.
While I am thrilled for this new opportunity for our family and ready to start fresh together somewhere, I will be honest and say that initially, I was not ok with moving so far away. There are a lot of different things that factor into that, but one of the reasons is certainly because this place is home to me. I've lived in Michigan my entire life and this area in particular is where I went to college, it's where my children were born, it's where I've worked, it's where my friends are, it's where I discovered who I am.....it's where Jeremy is.
This is where he was and always will be. There will be no more moving for him. This place will always be associated with him. His memorial stone is here, his job and church is here, his friends are still here. And leaving this place sometimes feels a lot like leaving him.
I will say that I've been through enough transition over the past few years that I know this is not the case. I won't be leaving him behind. I will carry him with me wherever I go. It will be difficult to make new memories in a place where Jer will never step foot and to make new friends that will never know of my life "before" but I know I could never completely leave this place behind. I will be back often.
I have found so much peace about moving since that initial idea hit me...I don't know where it came from. I'd like to think some of it is Jeremy's blessing to keep moving forward with a life he always wanted for me. Either way, I am jumping into the great unknown leaving a piece of my heart here in this place, but looking forward to filling more spaces in my heart with new experiences and new people.
My thoughts are with you. You are right, you carry Jeremy wherever you go. It's almost 2.5 years for me and I recall a few months ago realizing that I was crossing over into people in my life that will never know and never knew my Martin. They would never have the beautiful opportunity to spend time with my wonderful man. At the same time, I knew that entering into new relationships with new friends who did not know him and at times, did not know my "story", was a sign of growth and ultimately healing. It is much more comfortable to stay "in the old" esp as widows, we LONG for something, anything that seems familiar since we have lost so much in the death of our spouse. So familiar is often old relationships that provide us some of the comfort of the familiar that we need. But there comes a time, if we are moving forward, that people begin to come into your life that do not and will not ever know our special spouse. Hard, very hard. It is difficult enough with events, as the calendar pages keep turning and things keep happening and everyone else goes on with their lives while it seems that the widow does not. But as widows we have a choice, when the time is right, to take baby steps and move in a forward direction, however that looks for each person. Scary, yes. Awkward, yes. Difficult, yes. But at the same time as much risk as there is in stepping out, the risk to stay in the old and familiar is just as great. I'd like to think that "love waits around the next corner" - whether that is with another significant person, or in my grandkids, or a new job, or exciting adventure. Don't get me wrong, I don't embrace any of that, I just force myself to do it. The best way for me to live out my mans legacy is to go on living life and when possible, to the full, just like he taught me. I just never expected to be doing it without him; and boy it sure looks and feels a ton different and for that I am sorry. Gods blessings on your new adventure. I admire your courage to jump off the cliff.
ReplyDeleteMjay..Like your comments..After a period of adjustment, we can do a lot if we put our minds to go forward..
ReplyDeletePeace be with you..