Lately I have been thinking a lot about where I have been,
where I am going.. and how lucky I am.
I can’t help but think about my husband.
About how he didn't realize how lucky he was.
I know he had no idea how much he would be missing out on by
choosing to leave this life.
I don’t think he had the slightest idea of how much LIFE he would
be missing out on.
I look around and realize how much of my life that my
husband has never experienced.. and never will.
From things like my “new” house (I wrote about it here).
Things like my achievements in work, life, socially, travel
and experiences that just leave me in awe.
It pains me to know how much of life my husband is missing
out on.
From watching me change.. and age. To camp widow, to taking
a widow retreat in Golden, Colorado (took that trip in 2011), our eight year
wedding anniversary, the invention of smart phones, me getting my second (and
soon to be third) tattoo, pets that have come and passed. All of my best
friends, my husband never met. My husband Is missing out on my family growing
and changing. Our friends getting married and having babies. And some of our
friends passing away.
Eventually he will miss out on seeing me walk down the aisle and give my life to someone.. again.
There is so much of the day to day “stuff” that he is
missing out on.
Sure.. there is a ton of stuff that I have experienced because
I am widowed. But I still want him to experience the widowed me.
Whenever something exciting happens I immediately want to
pick up the phone and call him. I want to bore him with my excitement..
Then I
suddenly remember.. three years later, he is still dead.
Then the sadness hits. Yet again, he can’t experience this excitement.
His life ended.. and so did his chance to experience this
amazing thing we call life.
Knowing my husband is missing out on so much.. missing
out on life.. is one of the saddest things I experience on a daily basis.
Maybe there is more exciting things after this life, but I
still want him to experience THIS life.
this made me sad but also helped me realize that I too wish my husband could see the widowed me.
ReplyDeleteI really like this because it gives me hope by affirming that I still have a life to live. Thank you.
ReplyDeletemy husband didn't commit suicide exactly, but his self-destructive behaviours contributed directly to his death. Whenever I hear the Lucinda Williams song "Sweet Old World" (written in response to her friend's suicide) I think of C and wonder why our life wasn't enough? I think about all that he is missing - all the things she enumerates in the song as well as our own personal ones.
ReplyDeleteEven just in the past 16 months since his death I've done and seen and experienced some amazing things and some beautiful and mundane things that he will never share with me again and it hurts so much. I just wish he were here to share them with me.