My foot - Apologies if you were considering eating something any time soon...
Like many of you, last week I read a facebook post by the fabulous Michele in which she confessed to being irritate with her dead husband (not her lovely, living one....)
Went for a run this morning, and my legs were feeling heavy and slow. Phil is never far from my mind when I run (especially in August), and as I struggled with the miles I silently asked him for a little mojo. I picked up my pace a bit, and heard his voice so clearly in my mind say, "No whining." I responded (yes, all this IS going on in my head!) "Could you be a bit more positive?" He said, "Sheesh, I wasn't even pushing you that hard." I continued my run, irritated with my dead husband.
And you wonder if I am normal.
Well, I'm here to tell you Michele (and everybody else who may be wondering) that I think you are completely and absolutely normal.
The following is a run-down on my week as told by me to my dead husband.....
Why this is SO YOUR FAULT!
If you hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have had to fight for insurance money to help care for our children.
If I hadn’t had to fight for insurance money, I would not have been sent the forms that had to be witnessed by a Justice of the Peace.
If I hadn’t had to have my signature witnessed by a JP I would never have been bitten (“mouthed”) by his dog.
If his gumby dog hadn’t clipped my thumb with its tooth when I bent down to pat it, I wouldn’t have got an infected hand.
If I didn’t have an infected hand, I wouldn’t have had a fever.
If I didn’t have a fever, I wouldn’t have taken a day off work.
If I hadn’t taken the day off work, I would have been rushing to get ready instead of going outside with the rubbish that morning and in doing so, spraining my ankle (badly) by falling down a single step.
If I hadn’t sprained my ankle, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor.
If I hadn’t gone to the doctor, she wouldn’t have asked about my infected hand.
If she didn’t ask about my infected hand, she wouldn’t have given me antibiotics.
If she hadn’t given me antibiotics, I wouldn’t be sitting here with nausea, intermittent diarrhea and expecting the third side effect to be hitting me any time soon.
So that’s why being beached on the couch with a buggered ankle, vomit bucket and intermittent mad, limping dashes to the toilet is YOUR FAULT.
At least my hand is not infected anymore.
I miss you.
I love you.
XA
See - normal. Completely and utterly normal.
All of those statements are absolutely true! My gall bladder coming out yesterday is another reminder that I am alone. My kids took care of me in the daytime but they have families to take care of so there was nobody to hold me while I vomited all night and couldn't sleep. We will get through these things but we don't have to like it.
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome, and I SO can relate to all you have stated.. Nothing has been "Jim" normal since he died.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the smiles
Rebecca Zimmerman
When I fell off a ladder and broke my hand during Hurricane Sandy, I screamed into the night, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" as I lay in excruciating pain on the floor. I. so. get. it.
ReplyDeleteYep, I have these conversations myself. The only problem is - Steve still gets the last word!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to these thoughts & expressions - TOTALLY! After my partner passed away very suddenly I often had those common feelings of anger and bitterness that we all know too well. One day I was doing something in the kitchen and having a glass of wine (to drown my sorrow - alright - a bit of a pity party...), thinking about all the lost adventures/future, etc. and I spilled my wine - all over the counter, floor, etc. The first thing I muttered out loud was "Damn you Ron - this is your fault!" then I was immediately angry at myself for blaming him and the feeling of guilt became overwhelming. Then I burst out laughing because I could envision him standing there looking at me with that sly smile of his and twinkle in his eye (oh how I miss that) and I was immediately apologizing to him... These emotional roller coaster rides sometimes can be so overwhelming...
ReplyDeleteLove this, Amanda.
ReplyDeleteAnd boy, could I add about 100 items to that list!!
:)
I was thinking these thoughts today but instead of blaming my husband for passing away suddenly from an undiagnosed medical condition, I am angry at his family. My husband always told me that if anything happened to him, our two daughters and I would be taken care of because of a trust. Over a year later, one of his family members has benefited from the trust, but I am still waiting. This family member has paid for a few things for my daughters (using money from the fund) but has not contacted me in months. As I said the other day in another post on this website, it's hard to try to move forward when I'm in limbo from outstanding legal and financial items from his sudden death. I learned from a Grief Recovery program last year that I can not take on the grief of his family members and to stay far away from negative people. So that's what I'm doing while I'm waiting. I'm so glad I found this website.
ReplyDeleteI understand your place in the family. It just make you that much more alone doesn't it? I guess it makes us that more attuned to what "WE" leave behind someday......God will be us......
DeleteMy partner died very suddenly also. I had been supporting him for a few years (to the tune of about $150,000.00)due to some difficulties he was dealing with and his family had turned their backs on him. We were planning to be married 12/12/12. We were a same sex couple and some were downright ignorant to and about us. He had recently inherited some %s and we were getting things sorted out (although we had not got around to wills). As he died without a will, his mother became executrix - and has signed legal documents attesting to the fact that her son was not in any relationship on his death. So, long story short - I don't exist and our relationship never existed (in his families eyes). That cut me so deep - it's not about the money - it's about total denial that we were a couple. I investigated legal routes (cost me another few thousand dollars) and decided it wasn't worth spending more money - that I would "take the high road" and not pursue any further...but the hurt, on top of losing the love of my life, losing that recognition of "us" not having even existed cuts me to the bone...
ReplyDeleteIf she hadn't given you antibiotics, you might not have a hand... and that would really suck
ReplyDeleteSo maybe that sprained ankle was your dead husband's fault :)
I loved this post! My husband's memorial ceremony was held last week and after having to deal with all the stressors involved (his family, friends, employer, etc), I ended up with a badly sprained ankle. I can so related :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, I curse out my late wife too and I loved the ending where you tell your husband you miss an love him. After lashing out at my late wife I say the same thing and ask her to forgive me. Your post made me cry, it so hit the point
ReplyDelete