Sunday, August 25, 2013

Stay, Jump or Live

Last week I wrote about how much my husband is missing out on (I wrote about it here).

The thoughts of all the things he is missing out on has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I started thinking about how I am missing out on life because of grief, depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, financially.. the list goes on.

I decided to start saying YES more often then saying no. Even when I’m depressed. Even when I haven’t slept for night after night. 

I have vowed to say yes.. for the most part.

This weekend was a whole lot of YES.

Yes because I didn't want to miss out. Yes because I have the opportunity.

Yes because I am alive.

Because I am alive I can still experience these things that my husband is missing out on.

Yesterday I ran The Color Run 5k. I knew physically I couldn't run the whole way. I knew financially I should really put the $50 into savings.

But I also knew if I said no, I would be sitting at home doing nothing.. and missing out.

The 5k kicked my butt. But the whole experience was amazing and worth every minute of pain.

Don’t you just love my outfit?
Just ignore my blue teeth.

This morning, with my skin still dyed blue, red and orange, and the wash off tattoos that aren't washing off..

I will be jumping off a side of a mountain.

Yes. Me. Jumping. Off a mountain!

The fear of getting hurt held me back. Financially I was held back. Fear that I would land on my face and be on one of those shows that people get hurt.. and it's kind of funny in a hurt way held me back. Putting my life in someone else's hands held me back.

The song I wrote for my adventure..
At first I was afraid.I was petrified.
Wondering how I would jump off the side of a mountain
With some strange dude strapped to my behind.
But then he said "lean forward"
And I knew it was out of my hands.
I placed my life in his hands.
Let my feet leave the ground.
And I was off.
Flying through the sky.
It was then that I realized...
I will survive.


Because I can. Because I am alive.

And because I choose to live I choose to not miss out on this very slow yet very fast life we live.

I’m learning to let go. To live.

I'm learning to jump.


  1. Beautiful. What jumps out is your SMILE which in itself brings so much hope to those traveling along with you.
    Thank you.

  2. "I choose to live"....very moving words....My husband's missing so much life (due to death related to complications of a bone marrow transplant...very unexpected)...has been on my mind too..he fought so hard to live....while alive he lived a full 56 years....because he wanted more oflife and was not given that chance I feel I need to live my life as he would if he were live the things he is missing...

    Yet "I choose to live" is not so easy to do when the pull of grief is so strong and your tears won't stop and all you want is all that you had...all that you took for granted...
    And all that stops you to act on choosing to live...then you feel guilty once again for taking another thing for another guilt trip of "why should I enjoy life since the love of my life can't?"
    And so the vicious cycle goes on and I try to live life.
    Does any of this make sense?

  3. You are one awesome chickie, Melinda! Keep saying yes! I, like you, am trying to learn to step out into the 'danger zone' and live. I don't know about jumping off the side of a mountain...but, in a couple months from now I am facing a couple of ginormous fears and I am gonna do them anyway!
    xoxo! you keep on with your bad little self!!!

  4. Thats awesome!! Well done! I am not quite at that stage yet but I see if off in the distance a bit. Congratulations for taking the leap! S x

  5. Thank you for this post, I was feeling so guilty for wanting to live, to enjoy this so short life that we have, all because he went home to be with the Lord. He made the right decision for him, because of that decision he was not here when his daughter got married or when we buried her son. He is missing our son falling in love and planning to marry soon. Nevertheless, I am here and for a moment there I was feeling guilty for finding pleasure in the moment. Thanks for this post because I am just so tired of the pain and the grief and all that goes with it.