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| The way Seth looked at me, reminds me that I was his entire world. |
Since my husband’s suicide in July 2010, I have struggled
with feeling like I was not enough.
I was not enough to keep my husband alive.
I have felt that if I was a better friend, a better wife, a
better support system, my husband would still be alive.
Realizing that sometimes love is NOT enough.. is devastating.
What happened to all we need is love?
Three years later I
struggle with feeling like I am not enough for the world around me.
Until recently I didn't realize how shattering my husband’s
suicide was to my self esteem.
It now keeps me from being able to have a new relationship.
Because I’m not enough.. they will leave me, in the ultimate
way.. suicide.
Feeling like I am not enough for anyone has left me looking
at my future.. looking at a future that is alone and empty.
I remind myself that Seth did truly love me. Anyone that
knew Seth always said I was his world. You could see it in the way he looked at me.
I remind myself that we loved each other deeply.. that our
love was not an illusion.
What’s hard to swallow is that bipolar had a stronger grasp
on my husband then I did. No matter how hard I pulled and pushed, bipolar
always had the upper hand.
Tomorrow would have been our eight year wedding
anniversary. Instead of showering my husband with love and affection, I am left
with just the memories and broken dreams.
I want to love deeply. I want to give deeply. But how do I
break the broken record in my head? The one that tells me you are not enough.
How does one “forget” and move forward?
Melinda....we have a lot in common...I too am a widow...not as long as you..15 months....my husband did not suicide....however my father did....I found him...he suffered from bipolar too....and for years I thought that I was not enough to keep my father wanting to live....if I was then he would not have taken his life....he knew I would be the one to find him...he must hate me...I was only 18 at the time.
ReplyDeleteAs a result I studied about eveything I could about suicide and bipolar....I learned that the immense pain my father felt mentally also hurt in terrible physical exhaustion.... was so real..so intense that the lack of certain chemicals in the brain prevented him to be able to truly understand that there were other options...including the fact that he had a family who adored him and loved him so very much...the lack of ability to see beyond suicide prevented him to recognize this love and what his suicide would do to the family that loved him so much.
So it was the disease that did this to my father...not the essence of the true man he was...the man that knew he was so loved and he loved us....My father did not die by suicide because our love was "not enough"...he died because a physical chemical imbalance in the brain made him truly believe there was no other way to go.....
Your thinking that your love was not enough to stop your husband's death is like me saying my love should have been enough to cure my husband of the rare complication he died from18 months after a sucessful bone marrow transplant.
In reading your other posts it seems as though you made sure your husband knew you loved him and he loved you.....I find comfort that the last thing my father heard from me was "I Love You, Daddy...and he said it back...he knew I meant it and he did too.
Every time that voice says your love was not enough say to yourself "No...that is NOT true...my love was bigger than life itself...it goes on forever in my heart and to my husband's spirit. I will not let the ravages of my husband's illness also take away our love we had for each other....it already took my husband's precious life...it WILL NOT take my life too.
So in that effort to not allow the same disease that took your husband away from you, to also take your ability to live your precious life to the fullest...you refuse to believe the lies it is telling you because you truly know differently...and you never forget this yet you slowly take one small step at a time...because You are more than the after effects of the disease of bipolar....You have a reason and desire to live.
God Bless...Linda
Melinda. You will never forget, that is part of our mind, but learn to live alongside in your life. All of us here WV, have the memories and pain of what happened. Now to "Reset" our life and go on finding that peace that we long for.
ReplyDeleteOur church service topic was wheel of fortune today. Everyone is on that wheel. Married, widowed, single, etc. We flipped from married to widowed, but still on that wheel. Life is that way, making decisions to spin or solve with dangers in the way.
We need to take our chances of what we have, moving forward will have it's bumps, but it is the only direction for peace, joy, and love again.
God Bless
Melinda, my heart goes out to you. My husband went that way too - only 9 weeks ago. It was 2 days before our 6 month wedding anniversary. I feel the same way - I wasnt enough. I couldnt take his pain away. I couldnt love him enough. I couldnt have loved him any more than I did and I know that he felt the same way. I know I brought him the only or very rare happiness that he felt in his life but the fact that it wasnt enough for him to stay with me and live the life we had planned makes me so sad. I hear you and I am sending you cyber hugs. S xx
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