Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The fury

After three-and-a-half years, I can cope with most days.
Some days are sad. 
Some days are just part of the grey melange I seem to be constantly wading through. 
Some days are good (not great - nothing is great).
And some days I am Just Furious.

But I don't know where to direct this fury...

I am furious that my life is not what I worked so hard for.
I am furious at God..... on the days I choose to believe he exists.
I am furious that I have lost my faith.
I am furious at Greg for dying.
I am furious that I haven't even had the stability of a job to go to each day..... I am furious that I have had to fight to keep the job I love and am good at (at least this year I have a boss who is actively working to keep me and who argues with the staffing officer on my behalf).

I am furious with myself for not coping like I want to.

I know this is not ideal. 
I should be calmer, and for the most part, I am. 
For the most part I am a kind, functional, rational human being.

But some days, the anger at How This Happened To Me is so strong that I want to scream and shout at the Universe.
...and then the feeling passes and I go back to this new normal.


  1. The fury comes and goes for me also, Amanda. Just last night I was thinking how the past 4 weeks before my husband's 4th anniversary were so difficult. I look OK from the outside but inside I am churning, anxious, fearful. How could this have happened to me?? We were so happy, had so many plans, enjoyed each day of our lives together. Then, miraculously, this discontent, this hopelessness and anger just subsided. It can happen rather suddenly and then I become calmer, more normal, functional. I think that these waves of grief and calm will always be with us. They're part of the "new normal". Thanks for putting this into words for us.

  2. Ditto, Amanda.
    I am totally with you on this one.

  3. Oh my gosh, this is exactly how I'm feeling today. I'm so angry at anything and everything. It's not my style, but it's happening at times since my husband died 372 days ago. I've kept it in check so as to not go off on anyone.. but I sure do want to. Waiting for the calm.

  4. So get this. Its only been 6 months for me.

  5. It will be two years next week. I am irate. I thought I would be doing better. If it weren't for all of the people that write and comment on this blog I would feel nuts. I told someone who did something really great, "if I believed in God anymore I would thank him for you", so I get the God thing. Thank you.

  6. Wow. I too have been surprised at the "anger" and I like your word fury better, because it so describes the internal feelings! I typically have not been an angry person in my old life, but now, esp when overwhelmed with handling too much crap in too short a time, anger is how it manifests itself. Early on I had to find a release and found myself smashing orange crates in the garage and eventually I grabbed the cheapo beapo toaster and took it in th garage and beat it to a pulp - such rage! And oh did it feel good. I have since started the "Badass Toaster Club" - there are two members as of now - me and a widower I met a few months ago. We had met up a couple of times when he shared with me that it was time to go through his wifes clothing - having already done that vicious task myself with my husbands clothing, I knew how much of a heartache it was; so I sent him a $15 toaster in the mail with a card that read, "MJ's solution to times that suck more than the others times that suck....only equipment needed is a flat object such as a bat or hammer....have at it and pummel it to death." Upon receiving it, he later told me he was speechless. His adult daughter that was with him kept saying, "But dad its a brand new toaster." But wouldn't you know it, a few days later.....I got a picture on my phone of the toaster smashed to a pulp with a message "That felt good." YES it's tough. And YES everything is different. All of our beliefs are challenged which makes it even suckier. So sorry we are on this journey.

  7. Going through my wife's clothes was sooo hard. Its been two months since she was murdered but I went through her stuff after a month thinking it would help me heal. Boy was I wrong! I would give her clothes a hug but it was not comforting. I find myself angry at her, cursing her out then asking her to forgive me. They say time heals but I've got a feeling I'm in for one long wait. You can't forget the love of your life.
    Its helping to hear from others like us on this forum because if you haven't been down this road you can never understand