I am nowhere near ready to start "dating" again, or "getting myself out there" again, or fall in love again. I am still madly and deeply in love with my dead husband, and I am just not in that place where it feels right to invite someone new into this life with me. Not now. Not yet. I don't know when.
However, there is something that I do want. Let me rephrase that - there is something that I desperately need more and more each day and each hour, after just passing the 2-year mark of my husband's sudden death:
Human contact. Touch. A little intimacy.
I am not talking about sex. Not at all. I am not talking about sex, because, despite all the massive amounts of sharing I do in my writing since losing my husband, I am actually a very private person when it comes to the intimacy that I experienced within my marriage. That is between me and my husband, and just because he is dead, does not change the fact that we will always share that secret. That is the best part of marriage - the secrets that you share with only each other, that nobody else on earth knows about you. Don't even try to take that away from me. It's not happening. And so, I am not writing this to discuss the fact that I haven't had any kind of sex in over 2 years. Nope. As difficult as that has been, it is actually quite okay with me. Why? Because I am not in love with anyone but my husband, therefore, I do not wish to share that part of me with anyone except him. I am unable to seperate sex from love, and I am totally okay with that.
I am not okay with going 2 plus -years without feeling a man's arms around me. I am not okay with nobody kissing me, ever. Nobody stroking my long hair or holding my hand while we watch a movie on the couch together. Nobody's comforting and safe chest to lie my head upon, and let out a great big sigh of happiness.
Sure, my dad hugs me hello. My brother. Some male friends, most of whom are either gay or taken/in relationships, so allowing that hug to linger for anything more than a few appropriate seconds could easily get awkward. These kinds of hugs are nice, but they dont count. They are not what Im talking about.
Human beings need intimate contact. We need affection from whatever sex it is that we are attracted to. We need this. We need it in the same way that we need air or food or water. We do. When we don't get these things, we start to feel invisible, like maybe we aren't really even here at all. If nobody is touching us or rubbing their hands on our backs or draping their legs over us while we sit on the couch together, then maybe we are like the wind, and we are somehow untouchable. Lost. At least, that is how I feel most days.
So I think there should be a place for widowed people, or people who have lost their partners and their intimacy and their affection, where we can literally rent out someone, the same way that you might rent out a bike or a car or library book. Everything would be discreet and done online, so that we could just type in what we needed, and not have to actually ask the dude for it when he arrives, which would be embarassing.
It would be fantastic. You could rent a guy for say, 3 or 4 hours to sit on your couch and watch a movie with you, and be affectionate, but not in a sexual way. Or you could have him come by and give you a back rub, or tell you that you look pretty, but not in a forced way so that you are reminded that this dude is working for a service. You could even rent a guy to come over and take an afternoon nap with you. That is what I would do. I would use him to nap with, the same way Don and I used to nap together. And it wouldnt be all weird or awkward and I wouldnt have to worry about him liking me or not liking me or what it all means or any sort of stupid dating drama that Im nowhere near ready to deal with. I would simply get comfort , and be able to feel the touch of a strong, safe, cuddly guy.
Oh, and they would be at least somewhat attractive, of course. And they would be volenteers, because Im definitely too broke to pay for this nonsense, and even if I wasnt, you think Im gonna PAY some dude to come over and let me hug him and put my head on his chest? You must be high. Im not paying anybody.
Maybe he could even cook for me while he is here too, and then sit down and eat dinner with me sometimes, so we can talk about mundane things, or not talk much at all. But I would be eating with a man again, and that would mean everything.
I might even give him a nice tip if he would agree to tossing his stuff carelessly around my apartment when he walked in the door - socks on the floor, keys on the chair, jacket thrown in the corner - just like my husband used to do.
But mostly, he could just sit with me, and remind me that I'm still alive.
Amen, Kelley! I've been struggling a lot with this recently and I think your idea is a great one.
ReplyDeleteI've been working closely with a guy this summer and it's reminded me how much I miss male company. It has been so nice to have that casual banter that's so different from what I get from my female friends and relations. Getting the same interaction but with a hug would be even better.
Sex is definitely great and I wouldn't mind some, but it's the casual intimacy that you describe that I think we really miss - like that famous Ann Landers survey from years ago where some huge percentage of women said they'd rather cuddle than have sex.
Let me know if you find any kind-hearted guys - I'll be in NYC in an instant.
Yes - I completely understand this feeling of intimate loss. I am 16 months out and I have taken it to the next step - met someone I wanted to be intimate with (I thought)...it happened and I cried (Yes, I am a man...go figure). I was not prepared for the guilt and wave of emotions that overcame me and persist to this day - a friend told me that I just wasn't ready - don't know if I ever will be. But oh how I ache for that intimacy of having someone just be there to hold, drape your legs over as you watch tv...etc. to this day, I still walk in to our apartment and say "I'm home babe" to his picture on the sideboard - unfortunately everything is still exactly as it was when I left...and the silence...oh, the silence...
ReplyDeleteMaybe there could be an exchange program that widowed men and women type in what they want and they match you up with the person wanting the same thing. I went through the asme thing. I missed the intimacy that you talk about, that person you share everything with. It helped a lot when I became good friends with a widowed man. We talk easily about everything. It just helps fill that gigantic void.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) Totally get this!!! I miss just HAVING HIM THERE. But the touch thing....it's skin hunger and it's real. Studies have proven that infants cannot thrive without human touch...I don't think that stops just because we've grown out of infancy.
ReplyDeleteIf only we lived in an ideal world. Even us widowers miss what you describe. It took me a long time to get back to cooking, because cooking use to be shared time.
ReplyDeleteBut I really miss the hugs and the casual kiss or touch in passing.
"I am unable to separate sex from love, and I am totally okay with that." I am totally agreeing with this statement (with regards to myself). It is the same for me. I miss his touch and everything we did together. I am thinking of the future and when I start dating again. Love and sex is something I will never be able to separate which I think is not the norm and it makes me kinda cautious of the dating scene. I just hope I can meet someone who will understand like my husband but I am scared that I won't. Still won't have sex without love though, lol.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Kelley, i love this! I lost my husband 14 months ago and I love this idea. I am at the point in my grief that I miss the human contact so much. Just to have someone who understands what we have to go thru & need. Sounds like we might need an escort service?? (NO WAY)!!!!
ReplyDeleteBefore I started to be really ready to date again, I would just dream of some man , any attractive one really to just sleep in the same bed. That is all. Just sleep next to me. I started dating, probably before I should have, and was not at all into any touching that came my way from that.UGH. I have been dating someone now, who took it sooooooo slooooow and waited until I was ready that I feel good about it now. But I agree, skin hunger is so very real.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Kelley! And awesome idea! I'm almost 2 years into this journey myself and have really started to feel this the second year... but definitely not ready for any of this yet either ... :(
ReplyDelete"Unable to separate sex and love" ... yes, me too. And, I do miss the hugs from my Sweetie. And the just hanging out... cuddled on the couch... Yes, "rent a human".. .
ReplyDeleteI find I go out of my way to hug people now. Remember all the hugs at camp? Certainly no accident. My daughters tease me, when our friends come over its "oh, there goes Mom again... she needs a hug!" Its not a joke though, I'm sure just because we grow older, we don't outgrow our need for human touch.
An exchange program sounds great, but maybe we need to start small? How about a shirt with the message: Hugs Received and Provided
ReplyDeletePaul, the shirts are a great idea, but I dont want to invite just ANYONE to hug me. What if creepy people decide to take part??? You see how screwed up I am? Not only am I NOT capable of casual sex, I am not capable of CASUAL HUGGING either!!! LOL....
DeleteAfter I posted that, I was thinking the same thing. I can see the shirt working at one of the camps, because people would understand and probably have the same need.
DeleteThis is so weird i was feeling this awful void this week. How I miss my husband and all the little things he would do, like a sweet kiss on my hand as he held it. which we did daily, his wonderful smile, a kiss on the neck and the hugs each day. And what I miss the most is someone to hold at night and say I love you and the laughter. I dont think anyone could ever prepare for the loss of a spouse it has been two years four months and I still want him to come home and hold me again. I miss everything!!
ReplyDeleteThis was me and my John exactly!! How I miss EVERYTHING!! Almost 15 months out...
DeleteI love this rent a human idea.
I was trying to convey to a friend just the other day exactly the sentiments and desires you spoke of. I am totally starved of 'intimacies' (and as you said not the sexual type) that's a completely different issue.
ReplyDeleteI see couples take their intimacies for granted and sometimes I am ashamed to say I am just plain envious. I'm ten years down the track and I believe, if I'm objective, the loss of intimacies is even more acute now.
Feeling for you.....
Rose
This is probably going to sound awful, but I've found that I CAN separate sex from love. I did love my husband and he's only been gone 6 months. BUT... as fate would have it, I have "hooked up" with a few men (not strangers though, men from my past before I met hubby..well 2 of them anyway, one I knew for a couple years...the brother of one of his freinds). I guess I was just craving attention so much that when I got it, I really ran with it. I didn't cry and I have no regrets. Not ready to "date" either but just really needed the intimate physical contact. No one knows my journey or exactly what I've been through. I suppose it's just part of my own personal grief process.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it sounds awful. It is honest and I would give anything to have what Kelley describes and/ or what you describe...instead, I had an online affair with an old boyfriend who is married because my husband's best friend told me my desire to lay beside him was inappropriate and he didn't want anything to do with me ever again. I am only three months out. But my sweetheart had cancer for three years and contact was nearly impossible for the last 5 months...thank you for sharing.
DeleteMy wife had uterine cancer. She is in remission now for three years, but the radiation did such damage to her that intercourse is impossible, she has no vagina to speak of and now has urine incontinance through a hole from her bladder to what is left of her vagina. She is almost always in pain.
DeleteI hate to complain...she IS alive and I'm thankful for that, but my skin aches for the intimacy we can no longer have, complications of another medical problem cause her joint pain, oral ulcers. Its like my wife is gone and now I have a roomate that looks like an echo of the girl I love that keeps reminding me of what we used to have.
I know most of you would give anything to have your husband or wife back even if you has not made love in years and maybe never could be able to again, I don't compare my loss to yours.
I mourn what feels like the death of my lover, but at least I still get to comfort and cuddle whats left at night.
Exactly
ReplyDeleteYou really hit the nail on the head, Kelley. I am 2-1/2 years into my journey and I can't say enough about this website. I feel so validated, especially after reading posts like yours. I find myself mentally screaming at the "uninitiated" to just reach over and hold hands once in a while. It's a luxury too many of us take for granted.
ReplyDeleteI read your post first thing morning. I Knew right out of the gate you would get the comment you got.I guess it's just part of the journey we must travel until our hearts are ready. I Know its not the same but I want to give you a huge electronic huge. GOD BLESS YA! !!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKelley,
ReplyDeleteIts as if you read my journal - or my thoughts. I'm 26 months into this awful journey and recently I received an invitation to a wedding. My first reaction was positive - being invited anywhere - especially big and fancy is rare. This will be the first wedding I've attended since before my husband was diagnosed. I thought briefly "I'd love to have a date for this" so I won't be all alone - once again - feeling I'm the only single person - at, of all things, a romantic event like a wedding. But I'm still going. Thanks for your blog - you nailed it. Affection is necessary - intimacy is a human need. But I'm in love with my husband and I can't think of anyone else in that way.
Yes please. Where do I sign up?
ReplyDeleteYes, please. I have a good friend that I watch ballgames with, and one time I asked him "Is it okay if I lean?" just because I wanted the physical contact. Nothing romantic, nothing sexual, just physical contact with another human being. It's something that too many people take for granted.
ReplyDeleteKelley Lynn,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this entry today! I actually know how you feel. My husband passed away suddenly 14 months ago and I'm still dealing with all the financial and legal matters of his death. Our two daughters are now 20 and 16 and keep busy with many school activities. I recently celebrated my 12 years cancer free remission anniversary by attending a concert by Darren Criss (of the TV show Glee) with my 16-year-old daughter in Dallas. We are big Glee fans and the only way I made it through my husband's funeral on May 15, 2012 was knowing there were two new episodes of Glee to watch that night. Anyway, we have met Darren two times before at other events, but at his Meet and Greet at this concert in June when I walked up to him he smiled at me, called me by name, said he remembered me from the previous events and gave me a big hug! I didn't realize then how much I missed having a hug that I blurted out that my husband passed away last year and listening to Darren's music and watching Glee episodes helped me through tough times. He then immediately gave me another hug, talked for a few more minutes and then hugged me one more time. So I later told me friends that receiving 3 hugs from Darren Criss this summer was great!
My husband died 368 days ago. So so hard, I was hoping it would be automatically easier at 365 days. ha! I miss the hugs. he was a great huger. I had a dream on February 5th and I know he came to me in this dream and hugged me. I actually felt it. Needed it so much. would love him to come back even in my dream for another hug, but I think that may have been the last time. The dream was so real. Out of everything I miss about him, it's the hug that I miss most. Thanks for the great post.
ReplyDeleteI also had the hug dream, where hubby came back from the dead just to hug me again. I had it early on, about 3 months after he died, and it was real. I FELT him there, and I felt his hug. I never had the hug dream again after that one time. WHat I wouldnt give to have it right now. Thank you, everyone, for all your wonderful comments. Glad to know Im not the only one struggling through these complicated and sucky feelings.
DeleteWow, love hearing others had a dream in which the spouse came back one last time. When my husband passed 2 1/2 years ago I was so upset because I did not kiss him goodbye that day we did that morning but not when I ran to get my granddaughter's easter dress. I remember telling him I would be right back & will see him soon unfortunately he passed away from a major heart attack and I was sick to think I did not give him one last kiss. A week later he was in my dream I was crying in the dream and he held my face and kissed my lips for the last time and he said he could not stay & that he had to go. I will never forget our last kiss because he was able for a moment to reach me and say goodbye. Death is horrible for the loved ones left behind. I will love him forever!
DeleteI have read this post so many times already (laughed and shed tears)....you really hit all the right spots with this one and articulated what so many of us feel! Thank YOU! I have also shared it with others. Your post will make a difference to many...letting us know we are not alone in our thoughts/need for the human touch...someone to just 'be' with and without any added pressure. I fear I hug some people a little too long these days! ;)
ReplyDeleteI worked in the 'touch' industry for awhile as a reflexologist and healing arts practitioner, before I became a widow. It was very apparent to me which clients of mine, usually single or widowed, would come to me for safe touch. They soaked it up. I nurtured them with everything I had understanding this unspoken request. It is a beautiful thing to give someone. Our elderly deal with this same thing every day. People who've never had children, etc. Some seek it out in safe ways, some seek it out in unsafe ones, some live without it. God Bless us all and the journeys we are on. What we've come to appreciate in such profound ways.
ReplyDeleteKelly Lynn you really did hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you because this is something I really needed to read today. I love the idea and think it is awesome.
ReplyDeleteYes, we all need that human contact and the intimacy and not the sexual kind either. You have really helped me to understand what I am feeling right now and missing in my life. I just could not put a finger on it or put it into words.
I'm a widower and I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI'm not ready for sex or a relationship.
But I do miss - and long for - human contact.
Going off-topic, I would also love to have some female friends to just go out for coffee!
~Ed
Thank you so much for writing this post. This was exactly what I was thinking about this week. At least I know I'm not the only one with these feelings!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say that as a widower I feel much the same way; I've gone 4 and a half years having been hugged only once by a woman who was not family. I miss it very much and would be happy just to have female friends to talk to.
ReplyDeleteDo you happen to live in the NY area? Maybe if some of us widows/widowers live in the same area, we could hang out now and then with people who understand this need , without it being weird or creepy lol. Its actually comforting to know that the men feel the same way and that you miss it too.
Deletewhenever I have "contact" (touch) with someone, it stops me in my tracks. I guess I miss it sooo much that that is my response...just stops me and makes me focus on all that I am missing. not sure how long one can go w/o touch, just missing it so much these days. "skin hunger" describes it aptly.
ReplyDeleteI'm in good company here. It's so good to be where everyone understands.
ReplyDeleteThe more I think about it, the worse it gets.
Sometimes it's the smaller things.
Holding hands. A cuddle on the sofa.
Giving & receiving head / shoulder massages.
And at the risk of sounding a bit weird, my late wife used to stroke my arms while we were talking in bed.
Now my body aches for those things and more.
~Ed
My husband used to stroke my hair and back...I miss him every night and every day.
DeleteEd, my husband used to do something similar. Whenever we were lying in bed, he would run his fingers up and down my arm, 2 fingers, like it was a person "running" down my arm. He found that funny for some reason, and I used to look at him weird for thinking that was funny. But I miss it so much. He was also very into music and played guitar for fun, and he was always using my legs and knees as his imaginary guitar or drumset when listening to music lol.
Delete@Yvette
ReplyDelete@Kelley
Thanks for replying.
I've sat here for a few minutes trying to think of how to respond. I'm just glad we can share some of this stuff. It's clear that we all miss physically giving and receiving in our own unique and special ways.
@Kelley - Sounds OK to me! :)
You'll probably think I'm really crazy now, but sometimes I used to pretend that my fingers were like little people that would pretend to talk to, and kiss, my late wife's fingers! They were also good at bringing up difficult subjects lol!
I suppose what I'm really saying is that I miss being able to show my silly and childish side without ever worrying what she'd think of me. That side of me has got to hide again.
~Ed
you touched on a topic that makes people uncomfortable who have not experienced this type of loss.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I have finally found a place that speaks to the loss of the intimacy and whatever that means to you.
For me it just doesn't include the touch, it also includes wanting to make that special dinner, put on a little extra make-up, "crack" that special smile while he glances over my way.
I am at 16 months without my soul mate. I miss his kind words and gentle touch. I cannot even think of being with someone else. I have been asked out a couple of times, but declined because I know its not time. I think about how my relationship with my deceased evolved and it was over a year that we were friends before we decided to take the next step to couple. If Imeet someone and a romantic relationship develops fine, if not that is fine too. I realize even if I meet someone they will have to accept I will always love Doug, and them too. Just because death separates us we don't stop loving them.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you! What do I miss most - besides everything about my Don? - Being held. Just being held. And yes, I miss sex - but sex with Don. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. And those little "private jokes" that only he and I got.
ReplyDeleteMy answer to physical touch? Getting a massage. It is completely professional; there is no hint of sexual intimacy, but the human touch, the relief of stress and the aid to my tired and sore body helps. I always think "oh, she's going to hit a trigger point (an emotional one) and I'm going to lose it right there on the table...) but it hasn't happened yet.
I have been having a friendly on-line "friendship" with a man from a FB group I belong to. Just having the conversations, even tho they're on-line, and we've made them private by messaging, has given me some kind of "intimacy." I have no desire to enter into a relationship that is more than friendship, but it is nice to have that male energy.
I wrote this almost same thing in my journal just a while back. I never think I want what my husband and I shared, but I am so darn lonely and feel I will go crazy if I don't get some human contact. God said "it is not good for man (or woman) to be alone". It isn't. The thought that I have to spend the rest of my life with no hugs, and touches, or just companionship from a male is hard to sink my thoughts around. I get plenty of hugs from family and friends, but it is not the same.
ReplyDeleteI read all the above comments and I too share the desire for human contact. Only not just a rent a human! I have been on a few dates in the past year, my husband passed two and a half yrs ago. We were very much in love.Love making waned due to his health, however we still had contact in hugs and kisses. They were wonderful! Have not had any quite the same. His hugs made me feel so protected. Life will not be spent alone,there is a man out there who will provide a similar not the same.
ReplyDeleteAmen lady, you hit it on the head-it's been just over 2 years for me too-and you do miss the male contact, and not in a sexual way!
ReplyDeleteAmen, amen! My husband was sick so the sexual contact diminished but the hugs, kisses and quiet cuddle time were enough to sustain me. I don't see myself having (nor do I have any desire for) sexual contact any time soon but I do miss having a companion to share my day and cuddle with. I tell everyone that I'm a "none" now as in "When it comes to sex, I want 'none' of it"
ReplyDeleteI, too, know that there's a widower out there who wants the same thing I do - companionship without a sexual relationship. Maybe my beloved deceased husband will guide me to the right person.