In my journey, the big anniversary for me is the March "complications hitting" anniversary. That's the day from which my life was never going to be the same again. Ian's death itself changed the tone of "never going to be the same".
And right now, year three and beyond looks scarier than the first two.
Throughout this journey, I've never been worried about "surviving".
But this week, fear of the future's suddenly risen to the surface.
It's always been there, I guess, but has come into sharp relief this week.
Fear of being alone.
Fear John will grow up, and then toss me to the wind.
Fear I won't re-partner in the future; find someone for simple companionship.
Fear something will happen to either John or I.
Fear of the next 40-50 years that stretch out before me.
I just found this quote, so it's new to me in my nearly 3 year grief journey, and it has been in my hear for weeks. It perfectly sums up my feelings in a way nothing has before. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
ReplyDelete― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
I am in the middle of the second anniversary of the death march. Death day was May 14, 2012. My counselor asked me to find out why I was so angry. The easy answer was that I was angry at Fred for leaving me, but that was not it, After a lot of introspection it is fear that I will never be happy again. Thanks for this post...I am so there with you.
ReplyDeleteI am at 2-1/2 years into this journey of being alone; alone without the other half of me. I realize that I will "never" be the same without Rich nor will my life be whole again. I will never feel his arms around me nor will I be able to give myself completely in every sense of the word. I will never feel as protected without my fighter pilot, my hero, my strong husband. I will never feel his lips on mine nor will he be so close next to me in the night. I will never have the all-consuming love of another man who I feel the same way about. I will never have that special lover who I can joke with and share a bath with. Nothing in my life will be the same; never. With this realization, the tears flow the minute I think about it. I've spent the last week with images and memories of our 16 years together popping into my head 24/7. I exist day by day in an empty world without the love of my life, my husband, my lover, my protector. I feel so alone even in a crowded world.
ReplyDeleteI can relate! April 10th of this year will be 3 years marking the death of my love. I do have the same feelings of fear. Fear of never being happy, never finding the simple pleasures of being in love, never having someone that I love hold me again . Just the fear of being alone and growing old by myself. Widdowhood take all that was wonderful in our lives and makes us experience hell! I guess we can hold onto hope but fear will always be part of our loss.
ReplyDeleteLast May was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death. We had been together for 25 years. He was the love of my life, father to our kids, my soul-mate. I too felt and told myself I would never find that "fulfilling" type of love again and then I realized I needed to quit saying that, as God may have something planned for me and all I'm doing is putting up walls. It was when I started telling myself I may want it all again is when I realized, I loved my husband, my marriage, my life and I do want it ALL again. I don't who, when or if it'll ever happen, but I was able to open my heart up to the possibility. And then it happened, I met a wonderful man who like me was married for many years and then widowed. This relationship is different, yet familiar and truly wonderful, as we both KNOW how important life and love is and we take nothing for granted. We are now engaged and if you told me a year ago this was going to happen, I would have said no-way. Today I say, keep true to your heart, keep your faith and try to live life freely, without the "walls of hurt" for no-one truly knows what God will orchestrate for your tomorrows. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this, Becky. My husband and I were together for 22 years and married for 20. I'm only 46 so I was one year shy of spending exactly half of my entire life with him when he passed on 6/28/2012. I feel as if I'll never be able to find another man to love me like he did and even if I wanted to try, I have no idea how to even begin dating because I've been out of the dating scene for so long, I feel ridiculous even trying. Then I realize that nothing good will come from that attitude if I continue to block my blessings. I don't understand why God chose to close the door on that part of my life but I know that I have to stop staring at that closed door, focus on trusting His will and move forward towards the next door He has opened for me. I think that only a widower is capable of understanding my pain and yet be willing to try a new, loving relationship but then again, I don't know what has in store for me so I have to be willing to step out in faith. I have no idea when I'll have the courage to do it but I know God will be there to guide me.
DeleteI needed to read this, Becky. My husband and I were together for 22 years and married for 20. I'm only 46 so I was one year shy of spending exactly half of my entire life with him when he passed on 6/28/2012. I feel as if I'll never be able to find another man to love me like he did and even if I wanted to try, I have no idea how to even begin dating because I've been out of the dating scene for so long, I feel ridiculous even trying. Then I realize that nothing good will come from that attitude if I continue to block my blessings. I don't understand why God chose to close the door on that part of my life but I know that I have to stop staring at that closed door, focus on trusting His will and move forward towards the next door He has opened for me. I think that only a widower is capable of understanding my pain and yet be willing to try a new, loving relationship but then again, I don't know what has in store for me so I have to be willing to step out in faith. I have no idea when I'll have the courage to do it but I know God will be there to guide me.
DeleteI am just coming to the end of my first year without my beloved husband of 36 years. I know exactly what that fear feels like as I seem to live in a constant state of panic and anxiety. I am very alone as we had no family and depended totally on each other. I feel like half a person now. However reading the messages here makes me realise that I am not alone and I am not mad.!! Thank you all so much and God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteLast May was the 3 year anniversary of my husband's death. I too believed and felt with my whole being that I would NEVER find true love again, nor did I want to. How could I possibly find another man as wonderful as my late husband? I told myself over and over, never again, I'll be okay by myself. Then as time went on, I missed being a couple, having someone to share life with. I didn't feel whole, especially since 1/2 of my being was gone. I prayed a lot and then it hit me, I was praying for help, yet I was building the "walls of hurt" all around me. I needed to tear them down a bit, if I was going to allow God's plan for my life to take shape. I then started to allow myself to feel, "maybe someday," then it went to "I do want it again, I just don't know what "it" looks like," and then I found myself at the point of "I loved what I had before, all of it - and I want it ALL again." I won't settle and I won't allow anyone to play games with my heart - I'll just be patient and it was at that point "it" happened. A wonderful man walked into my life. He too was widowed and understood "life, loss, grief and wanting more." My words to everyone, is we can't predict the future, but we can work on tearing down our "hurt walls" to allow life, love and happiness in again. We owe it to ourselves and to our loved ones. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThis so resonated with me! April 9th will be the 2nd anniversary of losing my best friend, my partner, my lover, my everything. To me it is a blend of fear and anger that I will never have that again - and the knowledge that I won't - if something like this occurs again in my life (which I am open to and hope will happen) it will not be the same - it will be "different" - but I don't want different - I want what was. The anger has transposed from being angry at my partner for leaving me (even though it was a sudden death he was not responsible for - but still, he did leave me all alone) and anger with the world, God, everything (I know it is one of the recognized steps of grief - that doesn't make it any better nor easier)...but it is anger that "we had it all" and now there is nothing - just a big void. I had things under control and under wraps and was exploring a new relationship - but now it is all crashing down around my feet again and I feel even worse as the numbness isn't there to help me through - just the raw, cold, hard facts...
ReplyDeleteI saw this quote while I was thinking/writing this post, and I completely agree. Early on I wouldn't have, but now... yes.
ReplyDeleteAh so many of you are in the same place I am and lost a spouse when I did. THanks for sharing
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