Friday, January 3, 2014

It's Gone

The following was written in my personal blog  just a few days ago, so those of you who may follow my writing over there, may have already read this. Really wanted to post a shorter version here too, though - because I know that so many of you can relate to the devastation and feelings that this brings up. Nothing has changed. Nothing has been found yet. I keep hoping ..... 

I am in a silent state of panic.
I am staying at my parent's house in Massachusetts,
for about 10 days, over the Christmas break.
While here, something awful happened.
Something so sad and so horrible and so awful,
only other widowed people could possibly understand,
just how awful it is.

I have been walking around like a zombie,
in a silent state of panic,
not telling anyone of the horrible thing,
that happened.
Because maybe,
just maybe,
if I refrain from saying it out loud,
than maybe it didnt actually happen at all.

I cannot find my wedding ring.
My husband is dead, and gone forever,
and I cannot find my wedding ring.
My hands are shaking as I type this.
My fingers feel like someone else's fingers,
without my ring on.
My skin is so naked and wrong,
without my ring on.
I have nothing to latch onto,
nothing to cling to desperately,
in the unbearable moments of missing him,
without my ring on.

It fell off my finger.
It must have fallen off,
because I never take it off.
I have looked all over the place.
Like a detective,
or an investigator,
I have searched every crevice,
and nook,
and corner,
of this house.
My ring is gone.
Just like my husband.
Then gone.

I feel like I cannot breathe,
yet I am holding it inside,
silently wailing,
and screaming,
and begging.
Please just let me have my ring back.
Please, universe.
Please ...

When your husband is dead,
the way that my husband is dead,
you cling to things
that symbolize other things
like your life together
your marriage
your vows
your world
your time
your heart.
You cling to them,
because the person,
the physical being,
is no longer here,
to kiss or to smell,
to hold or to talk.
So instead,
in the still of the night,
you stare into space,
and you run your thumbnail,
again and again,
over your wedding ring,
petting it,
feeding yourself with love,
that feels like proof
of the life you had.
Some sort of evidence,
that we really happened.

I feel scared,
like I somehow failed him,
for losing the very thing,
that sat on my hand,
and said: "We were love.
We ARE love."

I already knew
that I was no longer married,
when he died.
But I could pretend.
I could keep my ring on,
and pretend,
inside my universe,
I am still married.

I needed to pretend.
I still need to pretend.
I am nowhere near finished pretending.
But I cannot pretend,
because the ring that let me do so,
is now replaced by nothing.
And if I cannot pretend,
in my own little corner,
the world around me feels

Losing this ring,
is like losing my voice
my being
my lifeline.
It comes with such a deep sadness,
that I cannot even cry.
I sit,
waiting for something to happen
or not happen,
and I roll my thumb,
again and again,
over the nothingness,
where my marriage used to be.

(Pictured: the ring, on our wedding day in 2006. It is not worth more than a couple hundred dollars, as we were broke and I still am, but emotionally, it is worth everything to me. )


  1. I so feel for you, and wish I could join you in your search. Everything you feel I felt once - panicked, invalidated, needing the symbol, the confirmation that I am loved like I need to be loved. I now trust we're never lost from love; it's just hidden in places we haven't looked. Hugs over the air to you.

  2. I do know that Gowitheflo - but its more about the comfort it brings me to have something physical on my hand, to be able to touch it and roll my thumbs on it when I feel stressed ... sometimes my thoughts inside my heart just dont seem like enough. Thank you xo

  3. Kelley Lynn - I wish I was there to help you find your precious wedding ring. I once found my neighbor's diamond earring in the mud in their back yard late at night during a thunderstorm! My husband passed away suddenly from a Pulmonary Embolism on May 10, 2012. Last spring, about 9 months after he passed away, I started going to a weekly Grief Share Support Group because I realized I had not been able to grieve, heal and mourn because I was still caught up in all the financial and legal items of a sudden death. At these meetings I met other people whose spouse had passed away, along with people who had lost a parent, a child, or other loved one. I really felt like I was getting stronger until the last meeting, when the male leaders (who had all remarried) said that they had both taken their wedding rings off the day after their wife's funeral. I'm sitting there with five other widows, all of us still wearing our wedding rings. At the one year anniversary, I took our dog Oreo to the cemetery and I talked to his grave. The next week, I took off my wedding ring and it is in a special place on top of our dresser. But my husband's tooth brush is still in our bathroom and his suitcase is still sitting in the corner of our bedroom, 20 months later.

    I'm sending you good thoughts that you find your ring today.

  4. So sorry about your ring! I had to remove my wedding ring this year I could no longer bear the pain of looking at it, only because my husband would always kiss my hand & say "you love your ring don't you" So, I have decide to make it into a new ring for me which still is a part of my husband. It will be three year this april & I hate he is no longer here with me! I remember the summer he passed, I washed the car and his PSU magnet was not on the car when I opened the truck when I got home, I was mortified that his magnet was gone! panicked, jumped in my car & went back to the car wash. There it was on the ground! I just felt this huge relief. Funny how we hold onto things that they represent. YOU are in panick mode, but you will find your ring in time! God bless!

  5. I hope you find your ring, but if you don't, perhaps you can get a new one that would be symbolic of your love though not necessarily the ring you said your vows to. At some point, I took off my wedding band and engagement ring but still felt like I needed a ring. So I purchased 2 stacking rings with our first initials and wear that for now. Other ideas for a ring might be a word ring that is meaningful to you: love, hope, always.. or an infinity symbol ring. These are all ideas I thought about in choosing a new ring. Hope that helps.

    1. THank you anon, these are all great ideas and ones I have considered. Im going to give it some time though, as my whole family is searching in their various homes and things in the hopes it might turn up. Its not worth more than a couple hundred bucks, as we were broke at the time, but it means everything to me. And now - Im even more broke without my husband here - so buying a new ring, even a cheap one, isnt something I can currently afford to do.

  6. Crying for you...

    As a child, would hear my mother say, "Please St. Anthony, come around, something is lost and can not be found." It often works for me...hope it works for you!

  7. My heart goes out to you. I remember the feeling when I noticed the diamond had fallen out of my wedding band. Devastated. Stacey.

  8. Oh KellyLynn I am so sorry. Yesterday I was thinking about my wedding ring, which means so much to me, and I was reading about Patrick Swayze's wife/widow taking off her own ring. My wedding ring broke about a month after my husband passed. It was very odd as I had spent some $$ to have it fixed just about 18 months before he died. Still it had split and I was afraid it would fall off and I would lose it completely so I took it off at that time. It was very hard, yesterday as I was remembering that time I thought perhaps it was Alan's (my love) way of helping me to carry on, I do not know. My mother once, in a fit of rage, threw her ring at my father. It was then lost for 16 years. 16 years later, when their marriage was in a much better place, she found it in the lining of a suitcase. They had moved houses by then and it really was a miracle when she found it. I hope you find your ring, but no matter what remember that your love is true . blessings to you in the New Year and maybe that's it, it is a new year and all is possible. Thanks for your posts.

  9. KellyLyn I'm praying for you that your ring turns up. I can only imagine how panicked and frantic you must feel. Maybe if you tell your parents they can help you look? My husband's wedding ring was damaged when he died and it's scratched and bent out if shape but I could still fit it on my finger. So I started wearing it on my middle finger, next to my own ring, and can't bear to take it off. It's been 23 weeks and I really should let a jeweller fix it before it is damaged further. But not yet. Inside I had engraved R (heart symbol) D with our wedding date as a surprise for him on our wedding day and the engraving wasn't damaged, thankfully.

    1. thanks mrsc. My parents know and my entire family is aware and searching for the ring. I understand totally your resistance to take your ring off xo.

  10. I feel so very badly for you. More than the loss of the thing itself is the incredibly strong meaning we give to it. Things MEAN things. And I know how I would feel if it happened to me--as if the universe were giving me one more kick. Keep up your search, but when you tire, rest. The ring may return to you! Meanwhile, When my dad died my mom took his ring, put it on her finger, then put her own back on to lock it in place. Seven months later when my husband died, I did the same. If you have your husband's ring, can you put it on and lock it in place with your engagement ring, or some other meaningful ring, until you find your wedding ring? Or have it re-sized for you finger? I know that wearing my husband's ring is precious to me. As precious as wearing my own. Just a thought. Hugs to you!

    1. Marty, I dont have my engagement ring anymore (long story, but it was lost / fell off many years ago while we were still married), but I do have his wedding ring, which sits in my nightstand and I only take out on special occassions. Its huge on me, so I would definitely need to get it re-sized, which I will do as a last resort. Im dirt broke, so right now, I cant afford to do much of anything except hope that my ring turns up somehow.

  11. I pray you find it. Remember the ring of your love that surrounds you shaped like a heart. God Bless

  12. After my husband died, a friend of mine, who also lost her husband told me a story about loosing her wedding ring. She searched high & low with no luck. She said out loud to her husband that he had to help her find it & low & behold the next day she did. I hope you find your ring. Like yourself, my ring is not expensive, but to me it is most precious.

    1. THank you Anon. I have talked to my husband many times about this and many other things. I have asked him once again to please help me. He has come through many times before, Im hoping he can come through again somehow.

  13. Sorry about your ring! Have you looked inside your winter gloves or mittens? In cold weather rings have been known to come off when removing gloves.