A new year.
Bringing hopes and dreams for a year brighter than the last.
I remember the first new year after Greg died.
I did not want it to happen.
I hated the passage of time.
I did not want to welcome a year in which Greg had never lived.
Back in Ye Olden Days (ie - before we had children), we had a tradition of going up to a house near a lake just outside the city to celebrate the new year with our dearest friends.
The house was owned by my friend's parents and was used solely as a holiday house.
A party house.
A place where we would gather.
With plentiful food and booze and motorbikes and books .... and the boys would ride off into the hills and my girlfriends and I would chat and read and chat and drink and chat and play pool and chat and dance and welcome the boys home and light firecrackers and roman candles and generally yahoo the night away.
Since the people who owned the house were (are) amongst our best friends, we were always lucky enough to score the second bedroom with its comfy (private) bed and en-suite whilst the others all crowded together in the large downstairs area. ...and we kept celebrating the new year once inside our romantic room IYKWIM.
Then we all seemed to have children within a few months of each other and our New Years celebrations morphed into family gatherings during daylight hours. But still we gathered and celebrated together.
But that first year without him was spent alone.
Through choice.
I know my friends just wanted to support me, but I had to spend that time alone.
(with our children).
Sad.
That was four years ago.
While I still didn't get excited about New Year's celebrations like I used to, I felt a change in my attitude this year.
For a start, some really good things happened in 2013.
My job finally became permanent.
My friends and family remain loving and kind, as always.
I have formed new friendships which have become an important part of my life.
For the first time since Greg died, I actually feel positive about this new year.
In fact, I welcome it.
Hello 2014
May you bring us all Hope, Peace and Love.
I still find the range of emotions in any given day, week, month interesting and surprising. Even at almost 3 years.... I can be upbeat and hopeful one minute and then the next be sad, introspective and lonely as all get out the next. This roller coaster is another one of the hard pieces of my new life. I have lost my "balancer" and it shows. I resent all the ways that my new life lets all my crap hang out all over the place. Yes, New Years Day 2014 I am in a better place than I was in 2013, but is that saying very much? Thanks for writing. I like hope!
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