Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I Miss Touch ......

(It's been a crazy day and I'm suffering from writer's block, so I've decided to do something I rarely do ...... re-post.  I was going through some old posts and this one from Sept. 2009 caught my eye ...... because it still applies ...... almost 5 years later.  Except for the part about having 2 teenage boys at home.  
So I apologize for re-posting, but I hope that some of you can still relate.)

...... for the past week or so one fact has been glaring me in the face ..... and all over me:
I miss being physically touched.
Note that I did not say I miss being sexually touched (not that I don't) but those are two very different things. I live in a house with two teenage boys who aren't that crazy about touching, let alone hugging, their mom. They are normal.
And I am starving.

I miss the small reassuring pat as he walked past me. I miss the hug from behind as I stood at the sink doing dishes, or at the stove, cooking.
I miss the kiss goodbye ---- Every. Single. Morning.
I miss the kiss hello ---- Every. Single. Evening.

I miss holding his hand.
I miss rubbing my hand over his too-short buzz cut.
I miss doing his laundry.
I miss him picking me up and squeezing me hard to help pop my back when I needed that.
I miss his massages.

I miss dangling my short legs over his long legs when we sat in a movie theatre (for some odd reason, that habit started on our 2nd date and never stopped).
I miss crying in his arms when I was upset/frustrated/angry about something.
I miss him holding my face because he loved looking at the smile in my eyes.
I miss him pulling me down onto his lap to just sit and cuddle.
I miss falling asleep with him, hand in hand.
I miss gently touching him to wake him up when he was snoring so that he'd roll onto his side.

I miss hearing the loud clacking sound of his biking shoes as he walked through the house after a ride.
(I miss making fun of his biking shorts before he left for a ride.)
I miss shutting the pantry doors behind him because, as a male, he couldn't manage that.
I miss hearing him thank me for dinner ...... whether it was soup and a sandwich, or a wonderful steak.

I miss the "just because" phone calls during the day to check on me.
I miss the text messages he'd send from the school board meetings.
I miss him opening doors for me ..... and making sure his sons did the same for me and for their sisters.
I miss the light in his eyes when he talked about biking.

I miss him helping me zip up a long zipper on the back of a dress.
I miss asking him which pair of shoes looks best with an outfit.
I miss making eye contact with him from across a room when we were out at a party.
I miss trying to avoid making eye contact with him at a party because I wasn't ready to go home.

I miss his arms ..... he had great arms.

I miss watching him drive the boat at the lake and how much he loved being there.
I miss watching him freak out when the weather turned suddenly and the waves ripped in while he tried to dock the boat with out uttering too many four-letter words in front of the kids.

I miss seeing live theatre regularly with him ..... which he learned to love because I loved it and he loved me.
I miss his deep voice.
I miss his whisper.

I miss him telling me that I'm beautiful.
I miss him, when I would complain about the heat in a room, telling me it was because I was "so hot".
I miss telling him he was full of crap when he'd say those things, but thanking him anyway because I knew that he truly saw me as beautiful ..... even if I didn't.

I truly don't understand how I've managed to stay alive this long with missing him so much, because this list of things I've missed is only a minute fraction of the things I miss. I can't believe that my heart has not just given out.
There are many, many days when I've wished it would, but there are starting ..... ever so slowly .... to be more days when I don't wish for that.
I watch my other widda friends who are further along on this path .... and they give me hope. I read the words of other widda friends and acquaintances who are further along, and they, too, give me hope.
I need hope.
Lots and lots of hope to help take the place of the things I miss.
I want hope.
I want laughter.
I want happiness.
I want to live so that I can encourage others and give them hope.

I want a lot.

And I think that's OK.


  1. Janine, I hope you receive all that you want and hope for. I miss the touch and love too. You give me hope.
    Maria O.

  2. I was just sitting here remembering my husband (he passed away in 2011) how much I long for his touch also. I just miss being loved every second of everyday. I miss feeling protected I miss everything. Somedays are horrible without him. I am also not sure how we all survived the pain. I am sorry for all of us in this terrible situation. No one will ever know the heartache of losing a spouse until god forbid they have to go through it. Thanks for your encouragement & writing what we widows feel everyday.

  3. This so resonates. I am at the 1 year and I so miss his touch and the small things that made us, us. I have been able to hold on because of you and all the others that write here, as no matter where you are in the journey HOPE shines thru with each post. Thank you.

  4. I don't know if this makes sense, but there are times when I miss touch so much that my skin actually feels like it is hurting. Fortunately, like most other things in grief, it comes and goes so I'm not dealing with it all the time. And Janine, you gave me hope way back when you first posted this, and continue to do so. And look where you are today - herding us regional leaders into a group who can, at least attempt, to pass that hope on to others. Love you my friend.

  5. I miss it all, too. It still amazes me to never have an inkling of it (widowhood) until it happens to you. Just as babies need touch to thrive, we do too. I take any hugs that are offered, and have learned to be the instigator of them just to get them. Hope is a poor substitute for all the things we miss, but I totally agree. Thanks for giving us hope, I'd be lost without you all.

  6. I miss touch too...ALOT. One thing that helped fill this gap - by no means the same as my husbands touch......early in my grief, I had a massage, 60 mimutes, like I used to do once or twice a year when he was still alive. He also got massages too. Our massage therapist knew us, she came to his funeral. So when I went for my first one, I felt connected to this massage therapist, and felt she understood my heart. As she ministered to me through the powerful feeling of touch, I felt able to "lose myself" for just a few minutes. I wasn't in control of my thoughts or my grief. I have chosen not to use alternative substances to process through my grief and this massage gave me what I thought would be a similar feeling. Must say that I sobbed when she was finished and walked out of the room. Sobbed. A few weeks later I had another 60 minute massage. It was that week that I asked the difference in price, between a 60 and a 90 minute massage and it was only $10 difference, so at that point I signed up for 90 minute massages and had them every other week. Truly it was one of the few things that sustained me in my grief. Truly healing to my soul. And honestly, my beloved, my Marty, often met me there once she left the room. It was as if he'd take up residence in the chair that sat there and we'd have a chat, heart to heart. At first I thought it was weird, but then decided to just receive it. It was during one of these massage times that I decided it was time for me to take off my wedding rings - not easy nor delightful, but very very clear. After two years of massages, I decided to change up my budget and now only get them once a month and sometimes only every 6 weeks. For me, massage has made a difference. Though my friends and family hug me and I appreciate it, it's not the same as the deep touch received in a massage. Again, different than my husband of course, but healing nonetheless.

  7. Thank you so much for this post! You express exactly what I have been feeling for this past 4 months.....

  8. Thank you for this post. It expresses so much of how I feel all of the time. Many good days with a few bad ones sprinkled in between; but always aware that I am missing my precious husband in so many ways and especially missing his touch.

  9. I miss the way he would pat my hip when I was almost asleep and he would say " i love you mrs. J " even though I did not legally change my name when we got married. every night he did this. if he had to work midnight shift he would call me ask me if i was tucked in bed and say it.even the night he died in his sleep 14 months ago he said it

  10. Thank you, I feel this what you are saying so much. It will be 5 years in March & I miss Charlie so much

  11. Thank you for this post. 6 months into my grief process. The loneliness can be debilitating. The depression unbearable some days. The skin hunger starves my soul. Reading this I cried because I too miss so many similar longings. Just that soft pat on the butt, that hug from behind, that kiss on the hand, the look from across the room, the smile on his face. Anything. I would give anything for one of these touches again.

  12. A couple of days ago, I was looking at all the framed photos of my husband and I throughout our 16 years together. What I realized was that Rich had his protective arm around me in almost all of them. He was showing me and the world that I was his and he was mine. My beloved hero and protector has been gone 2-1/2 years and the pain and longing for his touch clings to me still. When I think of not seeing him again or feeling his touch, I literally cannot breathe. Despite how far I've come on this lonely journey of grief, I know that the ache in my heart for my beloved husband will never leave me.

    1. I see the same thing in our pictures and I miss it very much...the hole in my heart and its ache will never leave me.

  13. I wish I had found this site 3 years ago when my husband had to go.... I just miss everything....

    1. You are here now..and that is good...sorry get it

  14. Thank you so much for this post. I am just over 3 years and I so miss his touch. I only have my kitties touch I could go weeks without touching another person.

  15. Although my heart hurts for all of you in reading all of this I am relieved to know that I am not the only one..Six months and I miss everything about him..People around me just don't understand...Many seen our relationship in the last few years as a burden and I see and feel it as something I truly miss...Not just his touch but his appreciation and love...No one seems to remember it was 25 wonderful years for me ..Three beautiful kids that no longer have him....He was an excellent father who played a big part in each of their lives...Again I'm sorry for all of you ...Just. writing this makes me feel a little better different ....