I've been going back over a lot of my old journal entries lately and picked one out to share a part of. For some years now I have been doing this inner-child dialogue technique... Basically having a conversation with that deepest, most vulnerable (and sometimes most wounded) part of myself by asking her questions and allowing her to share until I get to the real root of some emotions.
I know. It sounds WEIRD. And at first it felt really weird to do, but the results have always been profound at revealing some very deep emotions that I can never seem to get to so clearly any other way.
This entry was in Nov 2012, just a few months after he died:
"Inner Me: I'm so angry. SO ANGRY. Is it so much to fucking ask to just be able to fucking hear his VOICE again... telling me he loves me. Is it so much to ask?!
Me: I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You've already been through so much... I wish so badly I could take this away from you.
Inner Me: You should be sorry. you told me I was safe with him. you told me he's not going anywhere, you told me I could trust him, I could relax and feel safe. Well fucking now look where I am.
Me: You're right. of course you are mad at me, and at him. how could you not be. you've been totally betrayed.
Inner Me: Well, not totally. I mean, you've done a really good job of taking care of me through all this. You've made decisions for us that have made a HUGE difference and all. And... I know you are hurting too. I know there is now way anyone could have known this would happen. And I know, its not his fault either. I'm just so angry. I just want our old life back, you know?
Me: I know. God, so do I."
Me: I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You've already been through so much... I wish so badly I could take this away from you.
Inner Me: You should be sorry. you told me I was safe with him. you told me he's not going anywhere, you told me I could trust him, I could relax and feel safe. Well fucking now look where I am.
Me: You're right. of course you are mad at me, and at him. how could you not be. you've been totally betrayed.
Inner Me: Well, not totally. I mean, you've done a really good job of taking care of me through all this. You've made decisions for us that have made a HUGE difference and all. And... I know you are hurting too. I know there is now way anyone could have known this would happen. And I know, its not his fault either. I'm just so angry. I just want our old life back, you know?
Me: I know. God, so do I."
This part of the dialogue stood out to me because I knew I was angry at the world and at sometimes even at Drew, but the notion that I was angry at myself was so shocking. I was floored that this part of me had felt so hurt and so unheard by me during all of this.
Anytime I get to a really dark place with my emotions, start to isolate a lot or begin having those "what's wrong with me?" feelings… I always use this exercise to get to the root of things. It's been a while since I've done it though, I'm thinking tonight I may just do another to see where we stand a year later.
Oh wow. This really hit me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Erin, thank you for reading, and for writing... this was SO vulnerable to share so it helps to know it meant something to you.
DeleteIt hit so close. I've had very similar conversations with myself in my lonely home. Thank you for putting it to writing.
DeleteThis technique is truly incredible. It's like channeling. Every time I've used it it's been like having a conversation with an actual other person. It's enlightening and comforting. Good idea! So glad you shared it here.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head Cassie! Yes! Thank you for reading =)
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