Sunday, August 31, 2014

A Powerful Irony

Dearest Pepe,

This week you’ve been on my heart minute to minute as the anniversary of our final kiss has loomed large. Flashes of the last week we shared as husband and wife have been spontaneously popping into my head with surprising clarity. There is no rhyme or reason to these recollections, and the bittersweetness of memory has both plagued and comforted me as the anniversary of your death has arrived with its usual inevitability

There are still times when your physical absence takes my breath away. It's surreal, even nine years later, that your death was the tragedy that escalated the local conversation about how motorists and cyclists can safely share the road. The image we use for our Share the Road campaign is an athletic, confident man in the prime of his life riding his bicycle on a gorgeous autumn day. When I stumble unexpectedly upon the photo hanging in a store-front window or on a community bulletin board I’m shocked every time that the athletic, confident man is you. I know, I can hear you laughing at me because I created the damn poster! But boy does it still hurt to see you smiling at me from a foam board instead of across our dining room table.

As time marches on my imagined ability to know how you’d feel about any given topic has decreased.  I wasn’t allowed the privilege of knowing the you that would be turning fifty next year. How would life experience have changed you? What surprising opinions would you have developed as you aged? Which long-term plans would have played out as we imagined and which would have evolved into new dreams? And yet, these questions don’t haunt me as they once did, because surviving your death has taught me that no dream is guaranteed. While that reality may seem a deterrent to creating new dreams, the contrary is true. Understanding the shortness of life has helped me acknowledge the value of the now in a way that was never possible for me before your death.

While you were alive, my life was incessantly driven by long-term goals, and far-off ambitions. I loved the life we created together, but often imagined how much more fulfilled I would feel when XYZ was achieved, or when we were able to check-off the next goal on our ten-year plan.  My head was so full of plans for the future that I didn’t take enough time to revel in the joys of the present. My one regret regarding our time together is that I spent too much time goal-setting, and not enough time life-living. No dream is guaranteed, which makes today an incredible gift. Saying good-bye to you taught me the true value of this moment, the only one we are assured.

For many years I have feared that the passing of time would slowly steal even more of you from me. I wondered if being unable to recall the timbre of your voice would lead to losing the ability to conjure the feeling of safety I felt in your arms. When I fell in love with Michael, I worried how larger-than-life you would find a comfortable place in my new life. As our family has grown, and new members added who've never met you, I felt a nagging concern that you’d be lost from our family history. Thankfully, your final gift to me has walked me through every one of these fears. I can almost hear you whispering in my ear, “This moment is the one that counts babe, don’t waste the joy of now by worrying about the past or the future.”

This may sound strange, but somehow you seem less ‘gone’ to me now. Not a day goes by that you aren’t part of my thoughts or conversation. You are everywhere instead of nowhere. As the memories of our time together get woven into the narrative that is my life, they become more colorful, not less. The memory of you has become a warm embrace on which I can count day in and day out. Your tall tales are legend in our family, and the story of your death provides the explanation for how Michael came into our family. My heart is so full when I realize that the two of you are connected, each with your own unique and important place, in our family tree. Stories about you come to me in the strangest ways, and the impact you made on the people around you is more obvious as the years pass. The love you showed others is a gift that keeps on giving, and I am just one of the many beneficiaries of your amazing spirit.

The irony of the fact that your final gift to me, the reminder to live in the present, was first imparted when all I wanted to do was live in the past, is not lost on me. I’ve spent years longing for one more chance to live in the past with you. Then I spent more years worrying about what pain and disappointment the future might hold, afraid to dream and afraid to plan. Years of my life have been spent not recognizing that for every moment I wished to live in the past, or feared the pain the future might hold, I was wasting away the only moments that are guaranteed.

My love, I want you to know that your final gift to me has not been given in vain. Nine years after you left this earth, I have come to understand that living for today is the best way to honor the past, and also to pave the way for a beautiful future. Irony at its best.

You are loved. You are missed. You are one of the most beautiful parts of my life story.

Thank you for choosing me,


Your Lolita

***Special thanks to Sarah for sharing her writing day with me so that I could post my annual letter to Phil on the anniversary of his death. Sarah will be back next week. Also, many thanks to all of you for allowing me to share my journey with you. And in case you are wondering, Phil's favorite alter-ego was Pepe and his favorite nickname for me was Lolita.***

13 comments:

  1. What a beautiful letter. Your heart-warming words are touching and inspiring, as ever. I'm sending a HUGE hug from Down Under. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and will take a moment tonight to send some love to Phil xo

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  2. Beautiful. Sending you lots of love.

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  3. Michelle. .it has only been 2 years since my John died....and I too started to realize the importance of now. ...and since I have been doing more of this. .the more John is part of the now while I refocus my life. ...explore a new love....
    I totally agree that to honor the past. .to honor John's life I need to embrace the now...as the now is the only sure thing. ..we must honor not because our Johns and Phils nows were taken from them....so we live our nows for them.

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    1. What a beautiful and warming story. There isn't a day where my husband's memory is shared with joy and love with me and my kids. He been gone almost 2 years.

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  4. Beautiful words from a beautiful soul. You will never know how deeply you have affected my life and the lives of many others walking this road behind you. To say "Thank You" seems so inadequate, such small words for such an enormous gift, but your courage to share your life and loss and love has changed my life forever. Love to you today and always!

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  5. Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my husband Joe's death. I really needed to read your post today. Thank you.

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  6. "My head was so full of plans for the future that I didn’t take enough time to revel in the joys of the present. My one regret regarding our time together is that I spent too much time goal-setting, and not enough time life-living. No dream is guaranteed, which makes today an incredible gift."
    Such powerful words that resonate in my soul! My husband always told our sons to have a 5 year plan to keep them focused so they wouldn't get lazy but I think we planned a little too far out. We were going to push our plans into high gear once our youngest graduated high school and went off to college but the cancer lurking in his body had other plans.
    We did have lots of good times together but at two years out from his death, the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" have me wishing we'd spent more time life-living.
    Thank you so much for sharing your letter. When I'm ready and if I find love again, he and I will definitely do a lot of life living and my deceased hubby will be in my heart smiling along with me.

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  7. Your whole post was beautiful, but these sentences, "I’ve spent years longing for one more chance to live in the past with you. Then I spent more years worrying about what pain and disappointment the future might hold, afraid to dream and afraid to plan. Years of my life have been spent not recognizing that for every moment I wished to live in the past, or feared the pain the future might hold, I was wasting away the only moments that are guaranteed." hit me on a day I needed to read them. It was three years for me this month. My husband was also killed while riding his bicycle. This has been my last three years, wishing for the past and in horrible fear of the future. I know I need to try to pull out of this. Reading that you went through this too and then went on to create something so important and helpful to others gives me hope that maybe I can do something with this mess. Thank you for giving me hope and a place to find it.

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  8. I too lost my wonderful husband in a motorcycle accident...22 months ago. Your words resonate like a never ending bell in my life. Though I will never forget his sparkling green eyes or his delighted laughter or his wisdom, I also long for his warm and comforting hugs and assurance of his prescence every day. ..both which I know are gone forever. We do treasure our memories and yearn for that moment when we will see them again. And yet, we must live for now.

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  9. August 30th was the 1-year mark for my husband's accidental death. Reading your beautiful letter to your husband after 9 years gave me hope that I will be able to keep him in my life whatever comes in future. One of my biggest fear is that I will forget..not him, but the small things and the emotions. When you say he seems less gone now, that really makes me feel hopeful. Thanks you for inspiring all of us to continue living life meaningfully.

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  10. Thank you, Michele, for showing us how to accept what life hands us and learn to move on, and yet keep the past and all's the memories alive within. I am trying to live in today, and yet am still drawn to what was, almost 5 years for me. Everyone thinks I am doing great, in reality I struggle every day to remain here. I am so drawn to being with him .. the darkness looks so peaceful ...so tired of facing all the challenges on my own. Just knowing you and others have done the same and continue to live fulfilling lives gives me a spark that I can, too. Thank YOU for sharing your journey.

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  11. Hello, 6 yrs out now. Motor cycle accident. 34 yrs married. Forget the retirement plans.. All gone. My world changed forever.. I misssss himmmm

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  12. HI everyone 6 years for me.My Gary all he talk about was to retire and take life easy.But we were rob of our second chapter in life.So unfair.I see old people holding hands.And so old..Why? Heart 1980 .

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