Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Floundering ....

.... in a sea of change. That's the name of this picture I found on the internet and it describes me perfectly .... this week.

I live in a sea of change. Sometimes it's a peaceful sea, sometimes it's choppy .... and sometimes it's so full of storms and waves that it threatens to drown me.
Thankfully those times are fewer than they used to be.

I feel like I'm floundering. It's like I'm at a cross road in my life and it's time to choose what I want to be when I grow up.
Jim is gone. And sadly, he isn't coming back.
My children are continuing to grow and leave the nest.
What do I want to do with my life?

People encourage us to follow our passion .... but I'm not sure what my passion is anymore.
I used to know what I was passionate about. But Jim's death seems to have changed so much in my life that I don't know this new me. I don't recognize her and don't know what makes her tick.
I'm clueless to know which way to turn.
I'm floundering.

It's very frustrating .... and yet also a little bit exciting.
I can do anything (well, almost anything) that I choose. I have so many choices .... so many possibilities.
I just wish that I knew in which direction to head.
I wish I knew myself better.
I wish I could firmly move straight ahead and not sometimes wistfully wish for my old life .... my "before" life instead.

I wonder how long this "floundering" will last and if it affects many widowed people.
I wonder how, or if, I'm going to discover my passions in my "after" life.
I wonder if I'll ever feel firm again.

And while I'm wishing and wondering ... I'm also feeling thankful.
Thankful that I do have choices.
Thankful that I have love in my life .... in so many places.
Thankful for everything Jim gave my heart.

Thankful that even as I flounder .... I feel blessed.


  1. yes, it most certainly does affect others're not alone.

  2. I most definitely feel like I am floundering. How do I figure out what my passion is, what path am I supposed to take now. It is good to know other widows struggle with "what now". Thank you for sharing.

  3. you articulate so well how I've been feling since my husband died almost a year ago. When someone asks how I'm doing I always picture myself treading water but barely staying above it, i.e. Floundering! I too have trouble with passion but helping others through random acts of kindness tends to spark my passion temporarily at least. I recently read how a woman felt she was overcoming her grief and for the past two years she felt like she was a flower stuck in frozen ground but she was finally blooming in the sunlight. Hopefully we will bloom rather than flounder at some point ourselves!