We have a guest blogger today. Thanks to Matt C. for sharing a bit of his journey through widowhood with us.
A friend of mine told me that his 99 year old Grandfather had just died, and that his wife who is also 99 years old is still living. She wondered how long the wife was going to live now that the husband is gone.
“I’m sure it’s not the same for you, but you hear all the time with the elderly how quickly other one dies after the death of their spouse.”
And it reminded me of one of the more startling emotions I dealt with right after the death of Lisa. I did want to die. And it shocked me that I was feeling that way.
Not suicidal. Not like that. It wasn’t that I was searching for ways to end my life or hoping I could end my life. It was a longing for the afterlife. I was missing Lisa and while I was grieving I was still talking to her, still having a relationship with her when I went to bed and my thoughts would be on our life together. And I had this connection with her that was still very strong. It was half in my world and half in her world. And at the time I was missing so much I wanted to be fully in her world to be with her.
I remember at the time being shocked at my feelings as I assumed this was only for the elderly like my friend was talking about. Only when you reach past 75 do you feel this way. I was 39 and I was looking ahead to the next phase.
As time wore on and the everyday chores of the kids and the people I love still around me, I slowly was drawn away from Lisa’s side. The connection became less and I knew I still had work to do here. While I did miss that state of mind of being half in this world and half in another, I knew I couldn’t be with her now.
I felt like I was in a bad mermaid movie where I am standing on the cliff while the mermaid is in the water, “Come join me, let’s be happy forever.” And I cry out in my over-acting voice, “I can’t, it’s not my world. It wouldn’t work. But I will always love you.”
I love you Lisa. I do want to be with you. But you are no longer in my world and I need to stay here and do some things still. I hope it’s a very long time before I see you again.
I completely remember feeling all of these things. Thank you for using words that perfectly describe what it's like to want to be with them yet not be suicidal and then to gradually move away from them. My heart aches just thinking about it but it was a sure sign of healing for me, realizing that I hope I live to be an old woman who gets to play with my grandchildren before I see my husband again. It took me a while to get there, but I made it, while continuing to miss my much loved husband.
ReplyDeleteAs always, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for this post.
I think every widow/er can relate to feeling like you want to die but not being suicidal.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I am confused sometimes about who is writing these posts because it says this was post by MNH but I have no idea who Lisa is and am confused about the actual author's identity.
Pardon me for asking, but who is Lisa ? I didn't realize you had lost your husband and someone else as well, I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the confusion! We have a guest writer today. My name appears on the post since I scheduled it, but the author is Matt C. whose wife Lisa died last year. Thanks to Matt for sharing his journey with us!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I felt too a year or so ago...half of me wanted to be with him, I imagined how it would be like in heaven with him, I talked to him a lot about everything big and small, just like how we used to be...but the other half of me realized and understood that I can never be with him anymore, that I am now single, that I probably won't see him again until a very very long time. But yes, little by little, the remaining half started to get drawn back to this world and this reality. And step by step, you started to learn how to continue your own life journey without him....Thanks again for this great post!
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry to be late to these discussions. I have just discovered you through Matt's Kickstart site for getting his book about Lisa published. I lost my husband in December of 2003, two weeks after our son turned thirteen and six days before Christmas. I cannot tell you how much I desired to cross over and be with Tom, wherever he had been taken away from me. The problem was that Tom was a deeply committed atheist with the belief that we live our lives and nothing else follows. So if he was right, there is no meeting him again later. Which sometimes makes me even sadder. But our son and I tease sometimes about how if Daddy is in heaven he has really got to be pissed off. I still hope he was wrong and eventually we can be with each other again. But not now. Not while I still have to help our son become the man Tom knew that he could be.
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