Thursday, February 21, 2013
My mom used to tell me that whenever she saw 7:28 on the clock, she'd make a wish. 7/28 is her birthday, and she thought it was lucky. I thought it was silly until I started paying attention and then I started noticing the time when I saw it on the clock too.
Now, though, I always seem to notice the time at 4:34. I don't know why it became so significant to me, but that's what time I sent Jeremy the last text before he died. I only know that because he sent a text at the same time to his buddy and boss, Mark. Only, I never heard back from him so I know he died within minutes of that time. And now, I see that time on the clock constantly and my heart skips a beat every. single. time. I always wonder....did he get that text from me? Did he read it? And right when all this was going through my head today I looked at the clock only to see it again. 4:34.
When I hit the six month mark and saw this time on my clock, I couldn't hardly stand it. It represented the beginning of the end for me. An unknown moment that will forever plague me. The unknown is a horrible place to be. And I think it may haunt me forever. And even when it subsides and I don't think about it as much, every time I see that time on my clock, it will take me there no matter what.
It's odd that 4:34 is the piece that has manifested itself as a symbol of my grief. Surely this must happen in different ways to different people....but I know I will never again be able to put those numbers together and not think of Jeremy.