We all have our times of year that stick out as the most difficult. The December through February time is mine. The list of breathtaking days is long. Maggie’s birthday is December 9. My birthday is mid-February. Our anniversary is February 28 (and, every fourth year, the 29th too.) So there’s those. Now, with this year, I get to add a few more new losses. As of January 1st, I get to add the loss of my grandfather. As of last Thursday the garage has become very empty where Maggie’s Cool Car used to be. Most difficult for me to deal with is that on January 17th of this year I get to add another angel day for Maggie and my only child, our puppy Niko. That’s a loss that has hung over my head as the unrecoverable, the one I couldn’t imagine, the one that just couldn’t happen. Well, it happened January 17th. It was awful.
I’m still here though. I’m not sure how. My meltdown was epic but reasonable. Niko was the one single thing in my life that I just couldn’t imagine I could survive losing. Well, as we all inherently know, nature doesn’t care about our preferences. Nature is efficient and, in this case, strikingly violent. In an instant, my baby – OUR baby was taken away from me.
Niko was the one living thing on this Earth that knew our entire journey from the beginning. She was my last remaining connection to a past that I so, so adore and miss. With her loss, my last remaining deep tie to Maggie was severed. My heart is broken.
I feel like the last several months have served up more than my fair share of losses. It’s like a larger force is giving me tough love – ripping the Band-Aid off without my permission, like I’m being given no choice but to be disconnected from what used to be my life – OUR life. It hurts. Damn it, it still hurts.
I try to be positive. There’s nothing that could have hurt worse than losing Niko. So now, sadly and happily, there’s nothing that will hurt that bad again. Freedom is nothing left to lose. Sure, there are more things that’d be bad. But the freaky precision of picking off the one single thing that was the absolutely most important thing – I suppose that’s my freedom. Now, I can breath easier because the last of the worst is done. Now, I feel like I truly can begin to rebuild.