Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Am I done yet?

This week, bang in the middle of death-march month, has seen me BEG Greg to come back more than once.
Many times in fact.

Seriously, I have coped with this shizzle for almost 3 years.
I have worked, I have kept the kids on an even keel, I have hit rock bottom on more than one occasion and I have stood up again.
Can I have my medal now?

I am tired of grief.
I am tired of being alone in THIS month .... the month that contains the 20th anniversary of that birthday party where we first met.
That first date.
Valentines Day (and the single time Greg bought me flowers without laughing that you'd swung by the 7-11 on the way home.
His birthday.
....and finally, his death day.

I just want to be done with this and go back to how life was Before.
.....but I can't go back.

I must go forward, even though I hate every year that passes without Greg in it.
I have to ensure I experience joy each day so that yawning black hole of grief is held at bay.
I will move forward in a ways I have never dreamed of.
Grief will not define me.
I will rise again.


  1. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember reading something like "I thought the hardest thing I would ever do was survive my husband's death. But then he stayed dead."

    Thank you for putting into words what many of us feel. My husband died almost 6 years ago, and my life is truly filled with joy again, but the grief is still there. It stays underneath the joy most of the time, but comes out in full force every so often to remind me that it's still there and still powerful.

    Thinking of you.

    1. Wow, that line, "I thought the hardest thing I would ever do was survive my husband's death. But then he stayed dead."
      Yeah. that's it exactly. It's a bit over 2.5 years now. Everyone else in my life has moved on, but everyone else in my life didn't lose Randy as their husband. They lost him as a friend, a coworker, a fellow church-goer, a cousin, brother, son. Different slices of the grief pie. Doesn't make it taste any better
      But that line - that tells it all.

  2. Amanda, thanks for such an honest post! I appreciate your ability and willingness to be so totally open. March 8th will mark 3 years for me. I find myself begging my husband to come back. We certainly recognize that this will never happen but there is something theraputic about just begging.

    Thanks for helping me to feel not so pathetic and alone!

  3. God, I have felt the way that you do so many times! Sometimes, joy seems to allude me even though I chase after it! But I too still move forward knowing that someday this too shall pass!

  4. I beg, and cry, and plead, and bargain, and demand every.single.night for my husband to come home. It hasn't worked yet for me either.

  5. Thank you so much for that post. It will be five years for me in March and I still feel that way so much. I know I must move forward but sometimes I hate it and I too wish it would be over. And life goes on.

  6. I remember begging and bargaining with God to give me one more day, hour or minute with my husband. Twelve years have passed, I've found joy again, but the memories and loss move forward with me. Thinking of all of you and sending you hope for better tomorrows.