Sunday, February 10, 2013

Suicide Search


Source

Someone found my blog by searching the internet with “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide.”

When I started this blog I knew that someone in despair might find it. That someone, somewhere would feel the need to type those words into a search engine.  

My brain knew this would happen eventually, but my heart never let me believe it.  

Finding out that someone read my blog by searching the word "suicide” has left me shattered.

It scares me. It leaves me feeling that someone out there thinks suicide is the only answer.

It pains me to know there is someone out there that needs help, but I can't help since I have no way of knowing who this person is.

Through my pain I want to share what suicide has done to my life. So if someone searches “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide” they will hopefully find this blog, or find me.

I lost my life to suicide.

I did not lose my physical life or body to suicide. I lost something worse than that.

I lost my best friend, companion, soul mate, and reason for living.

I lost my husband to suicide.

The one thing I never thought I would lose.

My husband’s suicide ended his mental suffering (or so I assume), but it did not end his pain. Instead, his suicide pushed his pain onto everyone who loved him.  I can’t count how many people now suffer from the pain of his suicide.

I know my husband could not see any other option. He had reached the end of his rope with doctors and treatment.

But I firmly believe my husband had no idea how badly he was going to hurt me. Maybe he couldn't see past his pain to think about the pain he was going to cause others. But I know for a fact if my husband knew how devastated I would be, and still am, he would not have killed himself.

His suicide tore me to shreds. His suicide tore my soul out of my body. It shattered my life. It shattered my family and his family. It shattered his friends and my friends.

Suicide shattered our hopes and dreams.

It took away my reason for living. I almost paid the ultimate price for my husband’s suicide. I considered taking my own life.

I gave up on living. The only way I could think of moving on from this horrendous pain was suicide.

But, because I saw what my husband’s suicide did to my family I realized I could never do that to them. My only choice was to keep living. Well, not just live, but be alive and fight the urge to die.  To move on without my husband the best I can.

To the person that found my blog I have this to say - I wish you would have reached out to me. I wish I could have told you how completely devastating suicide has been to me.

I wish I could have begged you to get help. I wish I could have told you that it does get better. Sure, maybe you need some treatment, more than I can give you, but you can get better.

You are not alone.

Your suicide will shatter and devastate more people than you will ever understand. You do not leave this world alone. You might be alone physically when you choose to end your life but you will take your friends and family with you. 

We don't know what happens to us after this life. Sure, we have religion and our beliefs, which give us hope there is more after this life.  But we don’t truly know what happens.

How do you know suicide will end your pain? How do you know you won’t continue to feel the pain after you kill yourself? Then what?

How do we know we are not stuck between heaven and earth?  Or sent back to earth to learn this lesson over? How do you know that you are not forced to see the pain of your friends and family for all eternity?

How do you know your suicide will not cause more suicides because those who were closest to you can’t deal with their loss?

I've heard a lot of people say “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” My husband’s problem was not temporary. But neither was his death. His problem lasted three years before it took his life. 

But his life is over now. There is no going back.  My husband died at 31 years old.

He will never see another rainbow. He will never hit the slopes on his snowboard. He will never go camping, jet-skiing, work or have a hot meal with me after a long day. He will never sit on the beach with me. We can never jump on a plane and go play somewhere tropical. He can't watch me grow and change, and he can't be there in my last days on this earth. He can't hold my hand as I grow old and frail. He can't have children and watch them grow. He will not see his parents age, and he will never feel the warmth of the sun.

He is forever gone. There is no do-over. There is no reset button. There is just death.

So for the person that stumbled onto my blog, I pray you are still out there. I pray you read this blog, and I pray you realize your pain is not yours alone.

I pray you ask for help.

Asking for help does not make you weak. It means you are courageous.  And through that courage you can find the help and desire to live.

41 comments:

  1. Melinda, I have only read what has been posted here, nothing on your personal blog, but I can truly say that your previous blog posts said just what you wrote here. If the person who found your blog is able to take in anything at all, they will know what suicicde will do to those around them. I lost my husband to cancer, and through your postings here I have learned so much about the experience of surviving a loved one's suicide. Give yourself a break, you have done your best.

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  2. I also lost my husband to suicide, and I firmly agree with everything you've said here. If he knew how much his death would destroy me, he would not have done it. But being able to see things clearly is not a luxury afforded to those with mental illness.

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    1. I lost my husband to suicide 5yrs ago.
      Every day becomes harder.
      How do you cope w/ your loss?

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  3. Melinda,
    You are such a strong and caring woman. I applaud you for your strength. I also pray that this person and others that are struggling out there find your blog. May God give them strength to reach out to someone to whom they can speak openly and freely with to try to gain more support. Love you my beautiful daughter.

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  4. Melinda,
    You are such a strong and caring woman. I applaud you for your strength. I also pray that this person and others that are struggling out there find your blog. May God give them strength to reach out to someone to whom they can speak openly and freely with to try to gain more support. Love you my beautiful daughter.

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  5. Melinda,
    Please permit me to guess what Seth was thinking ...... only because I've thought it. You're right ...... he had NO earthly idea how devastated you'd be. If he had, he wouldn't have done it.
    He probably had two large thoughts in his head: 1. He could not stand the pain one more second. And all he could see ahead of him ...... was a future with nothing but blackness and that unending pain.
    And 2. He thought that everyone else would be so much better off if he were gone. His family, his friends, his soulmate ...... could get on with with their lives and would no longer be burdened by him. He never considered that he'd be leaving the pain behind, for you to feel. Never. He only wanted you to be happy, to feel lighter, to be better off. And that's how he thought you'd be if he were no longer here.

    I don't write this to excuse the act of suicide, but to hopefully help people understand it a bit better. It's not a decision that's made selfishly. Not at all. It seems like a selfless decision when one is considering it. Because only a person who is drowning in pain would consider it.
    People are too quick to judge the person who committed suicide (not you, Melinda, just people in general). Those people, very much like the people who've never lost their spouse/partner, have no earthly idea what they're talking about. They've either never been in that much pain themselves, or never knew someone who was.

    I am so very sorry that Seth saw that as his only option. And I do hope that his pain is over forever.
    You, dear one, are left here so that you can help others, just as you're doing. Keep writing. Keep telling the truth, no matter how ugly it is. People WILL reach out to you. Your words do (and probably already have) make/made a difference.
    Thank you for being here.
    :)

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    1. So very true, people have no idea.

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    2. I lost my partner to suicide a year and a bit ago, and I've always known in my heart that he didn't do it to hurt us...finding this blog of yours has been a real help and I thank you so much for giving your perspective on thoughts of someone contemplating suicide, I hope you are well and may God bless you with health and happiness and remember what you have given to me and many others like me

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    3. Unknown ... I am so sorry for your loss. Melinda no longer writes for this blog and Widow's Voice has moved to a new location with Rebecca (a suicide survivor) writing on Saturdays. Here's a link to where you'll now find the Widow's Voice blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

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  6. My husband also committed suicide. It happened 3 days after we lost our home in foreclosure. It has destroyed me. I don't have family at all - the few relatives are dysfunctional as all get out, even turning their backs on me due to the nature of my husband's death. We didn't have children. I have been alone through this. I've made several attempts. I do think about it every day. My husband was my soulmate. He had a very loving family and he had me. I no longer live in the same state. I've moved a few time since, searching for something I think. The circumstances are different for everyone. I was with him for 17 years. He IS my life.

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    1. Anonymous 2/15 - My story is so similar to yours. My husband was/is my soulmate and best friend. We were together for 36 years and all but the last 5 were wonderful. I was so lucky and grateful to have this special man as my life partner, even when his anxiety and depression were at their worst. His mental health struggles were ours to work through together. We survived so many horrible events together, always together as a team. We lost our only child shortly after her birth, his previous 2 suicide attempts, losing our home to foreclosure during the recession. I have no one to lean on either. What few family that are left are also dysfunctional. Friends were pushed away due to my husbands illness and the handful that are there really don't understand. We were a team, my person, my life. I am alone and struggle with what to do and how to go on. He has been gone a little over a year now. I too have thought of suicide. I'm so screwed up that I wouldn't even be able to follow through on it. I've also moved, changed jobs, just searching for something but can't find it. The one person I need to talk to who could help me is gone, forever. But as you said, he is my life. I am truly alone and a mess. And trying to function in a world I feel I am no longer a part of. It has been more than 3 years since you wrote your note on 2/15/13. I hope that you were able to find some peace and light in your life. I hope I can do the same.

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    2. I am so sorry for your loss. Melinda no longer writes for this blog and Widow's Voice has moved to a new location with Rebecca (a suicide survivor) writing on Saturdays. Here's a link to where you'll now find the Widow's Voice blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

      Delete
  7. I just want you to know you have helped someone, someone in that dark place, me, I struggle with thoughts that everyone around me would be better off without me, and you help me see that it's not that way at all. Thank you for being so honest about the darkness so that others may see the light.

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  8. Mel, so very true! I hope that your blog does reach many before it is too late for them so that their families never have to live through what we have... Love you girl... So very well said!!! ... @

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  9. At least for another day, you just saved my life. Im a 24 year old homeless veteran with post traumatic stress disorder. The nightmares and flashbacks from Afghanistan are unbearable. Im so far beyond lost and I feel so alone. I need help but the Army just threw me away. I just dont know what to do anymore. Rock bottom was a few miles up from here

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  10. anonymous June 16,2013 10;00
    I also lost my Husband to suicide, two years ago. I was in so much pain that I that i just wanted to die. I was diagnost with post traumatic stress,I was having anxiety attacks I was so depressed and sad I felt crazy. I had two sons that where in so much pain too, so I had to try to get it together even though I felt like dying. Going to church was the only thing that gave me peace.Today I am doing better and so are my sons. There are some days I am even happy, I do not have post traumatic stress and my anxiety attacks are gone thank God. I still miss my husband and cry for him. He is always in my thoughts. After much prayer God has giving me peace and reasured me that my husband is at peace and safe with him. Please try God with this kind of pain and loss He is the only thing that can help,and He will.

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  11. I too lost my first husband to suicide. My heart goes out to all of the women who have experienced this miserable pain. I will not delve into the details and events surrounding my first husband's self destruction, but it was not a situation where I adored a wonderful family man who was tortured with mental illness. This is the story of a man who slowly was descending into hell and bringing his wife and two small children with him. I feel that there possibly two main reasons that someone kills themselves. l. They are mentally ill and tortured, and have a history of problems, drugs, and self destruction. 2.The other reason,...there's a knock at the door. The cops are there, the bill collector is there, the FBI, the attorney is there, the girlfriend/boyfriend/lover "I'm gonna tell" person is ringing your door bell in wait to expose your spouse and destroy your family as you know it. The husband sees death as the best way out. That's what my first husband did. He almost took us with him. I am sitting here writing to you today to tell you that my beautiful beloved children and I (they are adults now) are alive because a neighbor knocked at my door. An angel really...and saved us from being asphyxiated along with him. This happened in 1999. I have grown, moved forward, lived, loved, and have been able to have a happy life. There are times I struggle with first husband's death. But this credo I do remember and use. "let go, and let G-d. I put my first husband's soul into the hands of G-d who is all knowing. G-d knows the truth about my first husband's death and the havoc that he wreaked. I pray for peace and love in all of your lives fellow widows. I have been there.

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    1. I can relate and I am sorry. It is hell. God knows what's best and he saved you and your children

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  12. My first husband was so tortured and paranoid that he could see no other option. We exhausted our insurance coverage for mental illness. I was praying for the strength to survive and take care of my children and protect them as much as I could from the pain. When he committed suicide, I experienced the conflicting feelings of grief as well as relief. I felt guilty for feeling the relief. Sometimes I felt paralyzed. One day I just decided that I had to move on. Once I decided to get out and do some new things, I started feeling stronger. The people around me held me up and supported me. I thought I could never risk loving someone again, but I am now married to someone who is my sole mate. His patience and love have renewed my life.

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  13. I am glad you were able to move on. These men who "off" themselves give us no choice. We HAVE to move on for our children and ourselves. They die, but we keep breathing in and out. We have to pick up and move forward because the children are hungry, they need to go to school, they need their mama to keep her act together. We are still alive!!! I am proud of you Anonymous Sept. 28 for moving forward. You are a survivor and a hero. We all have to just keep moving on. I too struggle with glad he's gone, sad he's gone, mad he's gone. He made his own choice. My choice is to heal, live, love and do the best that I can do in life. Keep going up and up suicide survivor friends!!!

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  14. My husband committed suicide 4 days ago. He left me and our 8 year old son to bear the pain of his choice. He had bipolar I. I am struggling to move forward. He was emotionally abusive and a binge alcoholic. He was on meds, but drank with them. I know that my son and I are free from the torture of living with him. He was so scary at times. But, I loved him and never wanted him to die. I am struggling with guilt. I had recently told him that I couldn't live with him drinking. I basically gave him an ultimatum. Stop drinking or I will leave. I never considered that there was a third choice. He choose death.

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    1. Anonymous, I am so, so sorry for your recent loss. The fact that you loved your husband, and didn't want him to die is clear. Dealing with any kind of mental illness is not, I would be willing to be that you did the best you could under really difficult circumstances. Know that you can come here to find support, to vent, and to be understood. Please check out website for additional support opportunities (www.soaringspirits.org), and know this, you are not alone.

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    2. Anonymous, I am so sorry for your loss. I just passed the 3 year anniversary in July. I know the pain.. I also gave my husband an ultimatum.. it was if he tried to kill himself again, to not come home.. that I won't spend more time in a intensive care unit.. that I won't spend more time in a physic unit. I never considered the 3rd choice as well. I blamed myself for a long time, that the ultimatum pushed him to no other choose. But 3 years out, I know this was his decision alone. After several failed suicide attempts, there wasn't much more I could do to help him.. he had to want to live. I couldn't "make" him live. Please know you are not alone, we are always here.. feel free to look me up on facebook. Just leave a comment of how you found me :)
      Many blessings my dear <3
      - Melinda

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    3. Hi I recently lost my husband to suicide too. I feel exactly you do with the guilt n loneliness because I too gave him an ultimatum with his drinking. He was an alcoholic n I really thought I can help him. With me being a nurse I figured I can beat the disease for him. We fought n fought all the time over the drinking. Then one day we had another fight n when I gave him the ultimatum he said ok I'll never have to leave again n drink again went into the house n committed suicide. It's the hardest thing finding him trying CPR n not being able to help him. I think of hi, n that day everyday since it's happened n have a lot of guilt for it. I thought with time I would lose the guilt n just have the hurt loneliness but no I can't handle this it's just been so overwhelming for me. I don't know how else to handle it so I have decided to see my doctor for help I need. I've tried everything from being with family n friends to keeping busy but all that does not help at all. I just want to be able to feel better n learning how to handle it. I pray for everyone who has lost there spouse to suicide because this is the most hurtful lonely sad depressing feelings to have. God Bless

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    4. Anonymous,
      I am so sorry for your loss. The pain, loneliness and guilt slowly start to trickle away, but I am certain I will never "get over it" or have a day that I don't think of my husband.
      I tried keeping busy. Anything to avoid grieving. I finally fell flat on my face in depression and faced my grief head on. I sat with it. I went to counseling. I tried, failed, and got back up again. The pain and loneliness still creep in, and I've found the best therapy is to just sit with it. To just be sad. To just be lonely. To cry or sleep or whatever my heart pushes me to do.
      Take it one minute at a time. Don't "Should" yourself. Be whatever you need to be, and know you are not alone.
      Love and Blessings,
      Melinda

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  15. my husband committed suicide over a year ago on September 11, 2012 a lot of his family blamed me most importantly I blamed me I should have helped him through his challenges and now all I have is regret I miss him and I hurt tremendously everyday since he left me I really don't know what to do anymore I hate feeling this way and I just wish he was still here with me!

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  16. I no the pain of this everyday I lost my husbands 11 days ago I new he had some anger and underline issues but never to this extent I blame my self for not lookin and paying more attention to him to get the helped he needed. When he had his good days he was amazing and when the days he woke in bad mood for no reason and lasted for a few days I just wrote it off as that's how is but after being together for 7 year married five towards the end I finally sat him down and asked him to see a doctor he was getting the helped he need and we lost health care no meds it took a week for him to flip upside down and week later he killed himself I'm just in the beginng of this and my head spins a hundred diffrent direction a day of the why's and what ifs but we three beautiful children and getting better and stronger for them is the goal. I miss him so much it hurts I just wish what he was thinking to leave us behind

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    1. Prayers for you. I lost my boyfriend and love 2.5 months ago and i feel as if I am the one who died . It has to get better. And I have a child to take care of as well. I'm praying for you tonight .

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  17. Tears run down my face as I read these very emotional comments. No one should have to deal with the sudden and tragic suicide of a loved one. My husband died by a hanging 14 months ago. I was on a business trip one day over night. My step daughter and a friend came up for spring break to visit us. As I remember going to bed, all I heard was laughing and giggles. My hubby put on Katie's fake eyelashes she had on for a photo shoot. "What Dad does that"? she laughed. They played Scrabble and laughed and played all night. After I left, he made breakfast for the girls and had them upstairs in my art studio/office doing paintings. He sent me a text saying he just got hired for a new job. So happy! Then Katie called me and said Daddy was drunk. I said why "what happened"? She said they came downstairs from the office and Dad was passed out on the table. She was embarrassed because her friend was there and wanted to leave. I said "What happened? Did you have a fight"? NO is what she said but she had to leave. I said " do not leave him alone Katie, call your brother, if he is drunk and sad he should just go to bed". She did call her brother and Chris said for her and her friend to just leave he would be there in an hour. My husband woke up. Found a book we had on knot tying ( we have a boat). Went on the internet about nooses and sent me a text. " Have Lisa check Roxie (our puppy). Sorry luv bye". I was in a meeting with my manager 4 hours away. I called my neighbor to see what the heck was going on. She called me back about 20 mins. later. " Is Tim Okay"? Lisa was a mess. "No he's dead" What, What What??? She found him hanging in our garage. She got our next door neighbor who was a firefighter, like Tim was, to get him down. He was already cold and gone. WTF. Then I had to call my step son Chris and say "DO Not go up to see Dad"!. I was 4 hours away in a hotel room!!! I threw up twice and screamed like a manic! Those poor people in the rooms next to me, the entire floor. I had to call my parents who loved him so much. They called friends to have me picked up. My life was altered forever that day. Timmy was my best friend and the kindest most loving person. Firefighter for over 17 years. Did volunteer work at burn camps for kids. (He got burns after a big fire). Did every year "Fishing without Boundries". A week-end event that took disabled people out fishing. Who kills themselves? He never showed a sign. HE LOVED LIFE. I will never get it. He saw what suicide did to people and families, being a first responder. He was 53. So handsome and so in pain I never saw. Even the people at the funeral home said, " What a nice looking man he was"! I said, "you should have seen his beautiful Ice blue eyes". Over 800 people came to his funeral. I stood and greeted everyone. My shoes broke but I did not. I was in a bad dream. A horrible nightmare and I was going to wake out of it soon. So I felt ok. Even went back to work. Then the reality set in after 8 months and now I am a basket case. Panic attacks, medications, bad relations with my one step-child. I am worse now and I do not know why?

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  18. My daughters husband commited suice on Feb 16 3014 using Helium tanks. It was a blizzard, at 10:30 pm she headed home from work never thinking her husband had been lying dead in their bed for the last few hours. When she got home she headed up the stairs to thie apartment above his parents garage, she opened the door to find their little dog and cat in the living room which was unusual if he was already in bed they would be with him. She walked the bedroom dorr to find a sign "don not try to get in, go get my parents they will know what to do to call the authorities. Love you always and forever." as you can imagine she started screaming his name and tried to get the bvedroom door open to no avail. She ran down the stairs across the driveway to his parents front door screaming their names. His mother opened the door and dropped to her knees as I said "I think Eric is dead" His father ran up to the apartment and found my husband, his son dead. He had connected himself to two helium tanks and he was dead, gone forever. The rest is a pure nightmare for her. 4 months later on on her secon counselor, she still cries a lot and has panic attacks if she sees anything that resembles a helium tank or even balloons. She knew he suffered from depression which she asked him several times to get some help for, counseling ,medications or something. to help him. He had tried once before when an old girlfriend broke up with him that time it was pills and it failed. This time did not. She wonders how she will ever stop missing him. She holds on to the good times and is suffering so bad.It kills me to see her pain. I disagree with the idea that it is not a selfish act. I think it is completely selfish. He has left her with all this pain, no note, nothing, They did have some problems that mostly surrounded around him. Suddenly 3 weeks after tbeir wedding he didn't know if he was "in love with her" yet he said he loved her. suddenly he didn't know if he wanted children. He kept postponing building a house. After his death she finds out they were flat broke $135 to their name and $10,000 in credit card debt . She knew nothing about the credit cards, as he manage the money. He wore the best clothes bought expensive TV's computers and all the bells and whistles that went with them. he was a spoiled child and continued living his life in the luxury he was used to. For fun they watched movies, went for occaisional rides. He Seldom came to family events, even when he did he would not socialize most of the time with anyone but the children. He was uncomfortable to be around he wouldn't let anyone in. My heart breaks for my daughter, she is in so much pain, she misses him and their very "simple unproductive life" but she says she was happy and she loved him. There is so much more but how in the world do I help help her, she lives with my huband and I again, she couldn't bear going back to the apartment. His family has spoken to her once on the phone since the funeral. Does anyone think that is strange since they claimed to love her so much and by the way they paid all of my daughter and her husbands bills!!!! He, Eric, had it made and seemed to take advantage of it. will she ever recover and be able to have a productive life?

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  19. I lost my husband 2 months ago. he hung himself in our basement while I was at work and our 3 daughters were at school. Our youngest, 11, came home and found him when she followed our dog into the basement. I called 911 when she called me and beat the police and EMTs there. the 911 operator had me cut him down but it was obvious he was already dead. My world forever changed that day. I can't stand the thought of another basement. I have panic attacks and my dr out me on anti-depressants. Every time I think I just want to end my life and be with the love of my life again, I think I cannot do that to our girls. I go to counseling once a week. I moved out of my house and in with my father. We were married for 16 1/2 years, together 18yrs. He battled depression for 20 years, hospitalized 3 times. I cannot stand crowds or people asking how I am doing. If one more person says " You're young. you can get remarried and start a new life," I think I will scream! I don't want a new life. I want my husband back and my girls to have their dad again. I'm angry at God for allowing it to happen. My mom told me after a month, that I should be over it. Over it! I'll never be over it! We don't speak any more. My girls don't want anything to do with her either after that. I'm afraid to live on my own. I have an appointment to look at a house today and all I can do is cry thinking about it. This was not supposed to be my life or my girls' lives!

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    1. I understand in a way as my husband committed suicide last April 2014. He hung himself in our daughter's bedroom (she is 11 as well) but unlike your poor daughter finding her Dad, my daughter was with me and were weren't at the apartment, we were two hours drive away. I called the police after my husband sent me an e.mail saying goodbye, they waited outside for 20 minutes as if he was going to politely open the door to them, but even though they couldn't hear exactly what he was saying they still just waited and waited outside while he killed himself.
      I am like you and even though it's been a year now it feels like just a month ago. We were together for 19 years. He was my best friend and soul mate. I have gone to psychics in the hope of them contacting him (half of me believes it's all nonsense but the other half is desperate to believe it isn't) but the psychics tell me about my future which I have no interest in at all. I want to hear something from him I am not interested in anything that will happen tomorrow as I don't care about any future without my husband.
      I understand what you said as I know I have to be strong to take care of our daughter and make her strong in the future too but it's so painful when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry all day. There is no time limit on getting over it, there will never be a time you will get over it. It will always be there in your heart and your mind, don't even try to get over it or move onto what ever 'stage' of grief you are 'supposed' to be on, everything will happen at it's own pace. I feel odd replying to you as I feel like it's just happened to me still and I'm not in a position to suggest any helpful information. I am sorry you and your children have had to go through this, but I do hope your little daughter can get past the image of her Dad and finding him that way. Maybe in time she can see a hypnotherapist or psychologist to help her get past that image.
      I'm babbling on now, but your post seemed very similar to the way I felt and still feel and I can connect to what you said and how you feel.
      Take as much time as you want and don't hold your grief in, my daughter sees me cry all the time when I never really cried in front of her before. She knows it's not a sign of weakness and now she has learned to cry more and let her feelings and anger out at her Dad leaving her the way he did. Take care of yourself and don't think of the future, just think of getting up in the morning and getting through the day, when you get into bed at night know that you have accomplished a lot by just getting through and being there for your children. Take care.

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    2. I am so sorry for your loss. Melinda no longer writes for this blog and Widow's Voice has moved to a new location with Rebecca writing on Saturdays. Here's a link to where you'll now find the Widow's Voice blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

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    3. My husband of 21 years committed suicide one year ago on 6/28/2014. The anniversary of his death has brought back so many memories and depression. I thought that I was making progress, but now I am not so sure. Someone told me the second year was the worst. I do not think that I can bear another year like the last one. I sleep a lot on weekends and sometimes it is all I can do to get up and go to work. I am still in therapy and probably will be for a long time. I did not actually see the suicide, but I heard the gun shot and saw some of the carnage although I could not bear to go into the room. My step daughter blames me and actually accused me of having something to do with this because she did not believe her daddy was would do something like this. I know she just wants someone to blame, but she is married and has 3 kids and lives in FL while I am in SC. She and her father talked on the phone a lot but we did not see her but 2 or 3 times a year. She was left in the will and now is wanting money from me which I do not have and would have to borrow to give to her. I just do not understand how she could do this knowing how hurt and alone I am now. Please say a prayer that she will reconsider.

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    4. I'm very sorry for your loss and issue with your step-daughter. Widow's Voice has moved to a new location. Rebecca, a suicide survivor, writes on Saturdays. Here's a link to where you'll now find all of the Widow's Voice blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

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  20. I feel all your pain xx my beautiful tormented husband of 32 years took his own life 6 weeks ago we have 5 grown up children 8 beautiful grandchildren he was surrounded by love and forgiveness and he still thought we'd be better of without him , how wrong he was we are all absolutely devastated sledgehammered to the floor and expected to get up and carry on ! I can't I so much want to go to sleep and not wake up until I'm back with all I've known and wanted for 36 years our pain is unbearable .. The future scares the life out of me what future? I have no strength to pick myself up I'm penniless no life insurance left to deal with finances mortgage funeral costs etc and just cannot face the days xx help me someone x

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    1. Hi Comingandgone, Melinda doesn't write for this blog any more, but I lost my husband to suicide also.

      I'm so sorry for that pain and shock that you are experiencing right now. Have you connected to the Widowed Village community yet? You can find it here - http://widowedvillage.org/

      There is a group specific to suicide loss and it is a safe place, to talk about what you're going through with others who have shared this experience.

      Are circumstances are different but I remember feeling utterly hopeless at the 6 week mark. Even the 6 month mark. It has gotten easier as time as passed but it is a long, difficult road. You don't need to walk it alone, there are many of us here with you.

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  21. I lost my wife five days ago.we got married in California almost two yrs ago,when same sex marriage wasn't legal yet in Arizona. she bought a gun and ended her life in our home. It is emotional rollercoaster, angry,hurt,what ifs,sadness, lost,crying every type of emotion. I realize she made her choice and there was no way me or anyone else could stop her this time. Please understand that things get better with time and patience,so many are effected after one commits suicide, the pain will always be there but the person will not. Please realize that it effects every one around you and please get help and do not commit this act. Please. Everyday will get better and you can seek out help and professional help.

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    Replies
    1. I'm very sorry for your loss. Widow's Voice has moved to a new location. Rebecca, a suicide survivor, writes on Saturdays. Here's a link to where you'll now find the Widow's Voice blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

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  22. My husband killed himself, four months ago and I feel so guilty because I didn't do anything to help him. This came to a surprise to me and to everyone that knew him. We have 5 kids and now I am so alone and feel empty and worthless. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy again as I fail him as a wife and a friend. I didn't see this coming. How as his wife and as his BF that I proudly use to tell him .. didn't see this coming. I was so busy all the time with kids and a full time work.. but still think I should have been able to see signs... I hate myself for this. I love my chidlre and only for them, I know I must keep going.

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    1. I'm very sorry for your loss. Widow's Voice has moved to the Soaring Spirits web site: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also wish to join us in Widowed Village, where we have a private group for Suicide Survivors: http://widowedvillage.org/

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