Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The death march

5 First bars of Beethovens Funeral March (Sona...
5 First bars of Beethovens Funeral March (Sonata 12) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

..... is here.
Its now February - less than a month until the 1st of March. 
The last few weeks of year 3 are here before we tick of the 3rd Sadiversary and enter year 4 of this madness.

My internal monologue is stuck on repeat: "He's dead.  Can you believe he is dead?  This makes no sense.  How could GREG be dead?  He is so alive.  So young and fit and healthy.  So adventurous.  So full of energy.  How can he not be here?"

February is the month Greg should have turned 50.
I've just invited a bunch of people to mark the occasion with an informal picnic at the beach.

I had to track down the e-mails of the men he had been friends with since his university days. 
Funny - Before, when life was good, I thought I would be able to count on these blokes if I needed them for any reason. 
They were Greg's oldest mates. 
They were solid.
But they turned to dust within 6 months of Greg's death and have rarely, if ever phoned.
Maybe they don't know what to say to me .... but anything would have been better than the complete silence of the last 2+ years.


On the other hand, other people have been here the whole time. 
The friends who had Greg as their Best Man at their wedding - always checking on us, and coming over to help with those handyman jobs that are beyond me. 
Greg's workmates - phoning, facebooking, sending through new photos as they are found. 
My friends who have always been there, never drifting away from me and my grief.

....and my family.  My family are awesome.  They make life good.

...and as I look back over the past year's death marches, I think (hope) I can say that  - so far - this one is a little bit brighter than the last two.

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  1. tiny brightness. Oh how I love tiny brightnesses. And you. How I love you, too.

  2. Oh my gosh! This is what I have been calling my past few days - my "February death march" as I walk toward the second Sadiversary for my beloved Marty on 2-15. He was 50 years old. So much of what you write resonates with my soul.....men who you thought would be there - GONE! Other men who I never expected to be here, are! Friends, Family. For me the hardest thing about these couple weeks is reliving our last days together - the places we went, the things we did, what was said. I have them etched in my brain in an effort to preserve a teeny bit of what was lost....as if that were ever possible. Marty died suddenly, left for work and didn't come home due to an undetected pulmonary embolism, so I never got to say goodbye other than the kiss on the top of his head when I left in the morning...but that wasn't meant to be "goodbye forever". We never had last conversations.....we never knew he was going to be dead that night...ever! My death march is hard as my heart tries to make sense of something that makes no sense. While I have been making forward strides, this time of year causes me to side step for a while and that is no surprise. I'll receive it and live it knowing full well, I can do it; but what I've learned more this year is that I can honor him best by living my life to the full, as I am able - thats what he would do and thats how he lived. Love my guy!

  3. Dearest Amanda, you took my thoughts and put them to paper. I, too, am heading into the final weeks and year 3 and feel exactly as you do. Yes, the "his" friends did disappear and so did some of mine. I guess that was to be expected. But unlike you, my siblings and mother have criticized me for my inability to move through the grief at a faster pace. This has been more disappointing and heart breaking then the disappearance of the friends.

    I wish you peace as you travel toward the "day". Hugs and thanks my friend.

    1. I'm sorry that your family is criticizing you......as I once heard in a sermon "Doesn't take much size to criticize." One thing my brother in law told me early in my grief, "Don't let anyone tell you how much, how long or how you should feel or what you should do. This is your own loss, live it the way you need to live it." Perhaps that will help. So hard when family does not try to understand and let us live our grief the way thats right for us. My mom struggles with my sadness, so much so, that I quit sharing the times I'm sad (which used to be every single day), so our conversations became very superficial...but the pain was just too much for her. She has never dealt with her own feelings, there is no way she would be able to manage my gut level, honest, tell it like it is kind; after being "shut down" the few times I was honest, when I would say "I just don't care...." and she would tell me, "Oh yes you do...." Well, you get the picture. Now I don't share as much and much of the time I can turn a deaf ear to anyone who doesn't get it. The loss of friendships has been very hard and required way more emotional energy than I have to give. So I have had to relinquish those. This is your journey and nobody can tell you how it should be done. May you process it and move through at a snails pace when you need to and as a gazelle at other times, but you decide.

  4. Thank you for this. Why do the men friends of our husbands completely abandon? I would've loved to hear the funny stories. I NEED to hear them. Approaching the end of year 2. It's becoming more and more a reality. Forever - never - wife - husband - marriage. These are all words that were used so casually before he left. Now they send a shock wave through me. I hate them. I hate cancer.

  5. The Death March is such an appropriate title for what occurs each year before the Sadiversary! I'm marching now as I approach the Angelversary of my husband's death on the 11th. He would have been 60 had he not failed to wake up that morning. My death march is filled with strange aches in my chest and unpredictable emotions, even though I thought I was doing ok. At first I had no idea why these pains and emotions were happening....and then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. THe Death March! Will it ever end?

  6. I just wrote about the start my first death march a few days ago. One of his high school friends (and his wife and kids) have been fantastic, most others have generally disappeared. Some were a surprise, but in many cases we were not that social with some of his friends in the first place, so that they've not really stayed in touch isn't too much of a surprise, but it is disappointing.