...... I'm not magically "all better".
By a long shot.
I bought a Groupon a couple of months ago. It was for sending in VHS tapes to be converted into DVDs.
A few weeks ago I loaded up a box with about 24 cassettes of our "home movies" and sent them off.
And then promptly forgot about them.
No big surprise there. I promptly forget almost everything.
Yes, I know that causes much concern and angst for those of you who are behind me on this path and are hoping that your memory returns to normal one day.
But worry not.
I think mine still sucks because I'm old.
But outside of this blog ...... I will continue to blame it on grief ...... and deny with all of the strength I possess, that I said otherwise.
Forever and always, Amen.
But I, as usual, digress.
Where was I?
Oh, yes ...... VHS tapes magically being turned into DVDs.
Yesterday I came home to find a box sitting on my front porch.
And inside it were all of my VHS tapes ...... and 24 DVDs.
(See above picture. And then you'll definitely know that I'm old. Stop snickering. You may be old one day, too).
I took the DVDs out of the box, closed the box back up and set it aside to put it somewhere safe. Yes, even though I had them converted I'm still not going to throw them out.
Even though I no longer own a VHS player.
Don't judge ...... even though that might classify me as a hoarder.
Today I put the DVDs into a cabinet (after I took the above picture).
And shut the door.
And ...... did not promptly forget about them.
Although I'd like to.
But my mind keeps drifting back to that cabinet.
You see ...... I have not watched any of those recordings in over 5 years.
And aside from buying the Groupon and sending them in, I haven't really thought about them in all of that time, either.
That's probably because I firmly shoved them out of my mind.
Or at least to some unoccupied corner of it.
In the beginning, a friend asked if I had watched any of our tapes. Specifically the ones that included Jim.
I said no, with firmness and without hesitation.
Indicating that watching those was NOT going to happen any time soon.
She asked "why?"
And all I could come up with was, "Because. I don't want to." And though she may have asked "why?" again, that was the end of that.
I have no "Whys" that most un-widowed people would accept.
But I know that you ...... almost all of you ...... get it.
Without asking "Why?"
Thank you for that.
I still don't want to watch them.
I can't watch them.
I can't watch Jim, alive, having fun, laughing, and loving our children
Not at this time.
I have no doubt that I will one day pop those suckers into a DVD player and watch them.
One at a time.
But today is not that day.
Although, unlike 5 years ago, I can now say that it might be next week. Or next month.
I don't know exactly when that day will arrive, but it will.
And I'm ok with that.
I'm just not OK with watching them before then.
Or with playing my piano.
But that story is right over here, if you're interested in reading more about my crazy. And how it hasn't seemed to go away.
So yes, I really am mostly happy. But I still have my moments of wave attacks.
And I still have a few, ummmm,
A little crazy can be a lot of fun.
Or so I've heard. :)
And a lotta crazy? Well, ...... who knows what can happen when there's a lotta crazy around?!
You tell me.
After you read the Piano Story.
Again ...... don't judge.
And keep breathing.