Sunday, February 17, 2013
I sometimes forget that I am not the same person that I was “before”.
I have over done it. Stretched myself to thin, and have crashed.
In my before life, I could handle a lot of stress, a lot of multi tasking, with little sleep and little frustration.
I no longer can do it.
I forget how much I have changed, and with that change, brings things I am not proud of.
For example, I have been extremely busy and stressed at work.
The old me would be able to work 10 hours a day, go home, cook, clean, go out with friends, sleep very little, and be able to manage just fine.
The new me, can only handle going to work right now.
I have nothing left to give to any other part of my life, other than work and sleep.
There are times through my grieving process that I think I am doing fine. I put too much on myself. Then bam! I crash. All my commitments and responsibilities crash at my feet, because I just can’t give any more energy away.
I don’t know what happened.
Actually, I know what happened - My husband died.
With that I changed. I am now extremely impatient. I can’t handle much stress or much responsibility. I have become selfish, in making sure I am ok before making someone else is ok.
The littlest thing can send me in a tail spin of panic and exhaustion.
The last two weeks, all I have been able to manage is work.
Work, sleep, rinse, repeat. And I am exhausted.
I am hard on myself, and tell myself “You need to try harder. There are people that are struggling far more then you are, yet they cope just fine.”
I beat myself up and curse at myself.
This week, I shattered. I knew I wasn't coping well. I knew I was pushing myself too far. But I kept at it, because after all, it was just work. I was working all day, and resting at night, making sure I wasn't putting anything else on myself. So I should have been fine, right?
I have fallen on my face in anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.
Grief never takes a break. Life doesn't stop because I am struggling.
I feel like all the cracks in my soul are now gaping holes. All the glue I have used to repair those cracks has come undone.
I think of myself as humpty dumpty.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again
I fell. Or possibly failed. And there is no one to put me back together again.
I am reminding myself that it’s ok for me to be weak. It’s ok for me to be exhausted. And sometimes my best isn't enough for the world around me. I have to remind myself that my best, has to be enough for myself. That I have allow myself to be exhausted, rest, and not take on anymore responsibilities.
This week, I am taking time off work.
During this time, I will buy new glue, and start repairing my cracks.
If all the king's horses and all the king's men can’t put me back together, then I will do it myself.