Sunday, February 17, 2013


I sometimes forget that I am not the same person that I was “before”.

I have over done it. Stretched myself to thin, and have crashed.

In my before life, I could handle a lot of stress, a lot of multi tasking, with little sleep and little frustration.

I no longer can do it.

I forget how much I have changed, and with that change, brings things I am not proud of.

For example, I have been extremely busy and stressed at work.

The old me would be able to work 10 hours a day, go home, cook, clean, go out with friends, sleep very little, and be able to manage just fine.

The new me, can only handle going to work right now.

I have nothing left to give to any other part of my life, other than work and sleep.

There are times through my grieving process that I think I am doing fine. I put too much on myself. Then bam! I crash. All my commitments and responsibilities crash at my feet, because I just can’t give any more energy away.

I don’t know what happened.
Actually, I know what happened - My husband died.

With that I changed. I am now extremely impatient. I can’t handle much stress or much responsibility. I have become selfish, in making sure I am ok before making someone else is ok.

The littlest thing can send me in a tail spin of panic and exhaustion.

The last two weeks, all I have been able to manage is work.

Work, sleep, rinse, repeat. And I am exhausted.

I am hard on myself, and tell myself “You need to try harder. There are people that are struggling far more then you are, yet they cope just fine.”

I beat myself up and curse at myself.

This week, I shattered. I knew I wasn't coping well. I knew I was pushing myself too far. But I kept at it, because after all, it was just work. I was working all day, and resting at night, making sure I wasn't putting anything else on myself. So I should have been fine, right?


I have fallen on my face in anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.

Grief never takes a break. Life doesn't stop because I am struggling.

I feel like all the cracks in my soul are now gaping holes. All the glue I have used to repair those cracks has come undone.

I think of myself as humpty dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

I fell. Or possibly failed. And there is no one to put me back together again.

I am reminding myself that it’s ok for me to be weak. It’s ok for me to be exhausted. And sometimes my best isn't enough for the world around me. I have to remind myself that my best, has to be enough for myself. That I have allow myself to be exhausted, rest, and not take on anymore responsibilities.

This week, I am taking time off work.

During this time, I will buy new glue, and start repairing my cracks.

If all the king's horses and all the king's men can’t put me back together, then I will do it myself. 


  1. I am writing these with tears in my eyes. Thank you for putting into words how I have been feeling lately. LIke about 2 months lately.Very fitting analogy...and I can't find the glue either. But as we all know, life does move forward and carries us with it. {{{hugs}}}

  2. I could have written this glad to hear you are taking some time off. If I could, I would help you glue things back together, and I'd add new stuff, shimmery glitter, funny band aids, maybe some duct-tape for extra strength...a mustache. It is so hard to accept that we are not the same person we were before our loss. I struggle with it every day, just like you do. I have a melt-down if I try to take on one additional task. And I am my own worst critic. Then I step back and look at my loss, and I try to see it as if it were someone else's. Like yours...and I want nothing more than to support you with compassion, patience and kindness. Now if I can only do that for myself, too. Thank you for this honest post. Wishing you healing.

  3. Melinda,
    Thank you for this post. I too am hard on myself, especially where friends come in to the picture. Your words "I am making sure I am ok before making someone else ok" are what I have been trying to find. I feel like I have abandoned needy friends, but totally understand the "breaking point" you speak of. Rest and try to relax during your time off. Again, thanks.

  4. Please take care of yourself. I think sometimes we forget how much energy the grief takes even when we are not consciously processing it -- that little light keeps burning and using up our fuel.

  5. Your angry because your spouse died. You are not alone, but you can't change what is in the past. But only what is ahead. So moving forward day by day is like building blocks, to handle life. God didn't put us here to waste away, but giving to those around us and moving forward.. Future is uncertain, but it is the only way to go. Trust Gof and he will show you the way.

  6. This is the truth. When I'm on the "up" of my grief, riding the waves pretty well, it is easy to put things on the calendar that make it a bit more full than the past 2 years without my Marty; it even "appears" like my old life - HA HA - but with grief comes the unpredictability of how I might be feeling on any given day....causing a meltdown and yet to not book a full day "just in case" I might be doing crappy (which is a reality) seems silly. I have defined it as very hard to live in the present when the past is still present......and I mean that will total love. My Marty will always be present and I have no desire to move him...he will be in my heart forever, but the after effects of grief of what is no longer is very hard to deal with. And so many things require so much of my brain, emotion and energy - there is only so much. All the man jobs I inherited require a good degree of focus concentration. But to only put two things in my day just because....isn't possible either. It seems it's either feast or famine with no way to know. In my early grief it was easy to say "two things on a day and thats it" bc I could not in any way, shape or form handle it; now that I do have some better days, it's much harder to know when to say yes and when to say no. And it doesn't take much to tip my emotional scale creating a puddle of tears. So hard!

  7. I could have written this myself 3 years ago. A lot of "glue" and a lot of hard work and the pieces do start going back together again. It just may take a little sanding of the edges because they don't seem to fit together the same way again. Take the time for you and work to see how the pieces fit together in a new arrangement. Good luck!

  8. This seems to be a rather large boat you have described. I, too, have taken (another) leave from work (the 1st during a complicated pregnancy and the second when my DH was dying). I HATE the fact that my amazing support system has to step in again, my parent come back to the cold north to care for me and my kids. My DH used to say I was trying to be superwoman (and it wasn't a compliment). Now I keep trying an d am even less able to do it.

  9. So many other people are "shoulding on me" ". You should be dating, you should be over it blah blah blah. So I try very hard to pat myself on the back and know how far I have come and how well I have done, but believe me I still crack occasionally. Be your own best friend - because best friends are few and far between. If you are lucky enough to have a bestee, treasure that special friend!! Simplify - and try not to beat yourself up. Treat yourself to whatever indulgence you can afford! Be good to yourself because sometimes it feels like that is all you have! I truly know how you feel! ((((Hugs))))

  10. Interesting how your post appears on the very day I reached back out to my grief counselor...My husband died 3.5 years ago and for some reason these last 2 weeks have found me on the verge of tears and feeling as though I am am free falling much like I did during my first year alone. My question was, "WHY is this happening now and is it unusual to feel like this after all this time?"
    I thought I was managing this journey fairly well and, not so sure. I hate this roller coaster. I want off.

    Take care of yourself...Many blessings.

    1. I too want off this roller coaster. When will it stop?

  11. Thank you for this...

    If all the king's horses and all the king's men can’t put me back together, then I will do it myself.

    Sometimes we all need a reminder, this one is for me.

  12. Good for you for realising you are running on less energy than before. I keep having to remind myself of this. And like you, I can only deal with one thing at a time, and I tire so easily. It's exhausting, this grief-work.