Sunday, June 2, 2013

Snap and Bam

Ironically, a friend posted this right after my meltdown.

I had a meltdown. A bad one. I haven’t experienced that bad of a meltdown in probably a year.

It was getting ready to take a bubble bath, then BAM. It hit me. It hit me so hard I seriously thought I had been hit in the face.

My knees started buckling underneath me. The room was spinning. Panic set in. And the gut wrenching tears started. I crawled into bed and just cried. Cried so hard I was dry heaving and gasping for air.

I didn't see it coming. Nothing triggered it. It just came out of nowhere.

The melt down was so bad, it scared me.. not in a - I’m going to hurt myself way - , but is this the  breakdown where I finally snap and never recover? Will I end up in the hospital? Will I spend the rest of my days a hysterical mess?

The meltdowns scare me. Bad. I think it’s partly so terrifying because I have no control over it. Feeling like I have no control over what is going on inside me is terrifying.

As I was laying in bed hysterically crying, I kept telling myself “suck it up, you have been through worse, for hell sakes it’s been (almost) 3 years, quit being a whiny bitzch.”

Then it dawned on me. I am my own worst support system.

When a widow friend needs support, I drop everything and run to their aid. I never think “get over it, suck it up”. I listen, relate, make sure they are safe, and we all move on. But when I have a complete meltdown, I’m insanely hard on myself.


Honestly, I don’t know why. I guess I think I should be past the complete meltdown point. Past the point of where I lose all control. Hell, maybe I should even be over this by now.

I realized I need to treat myself the same way I treat my widow friends. With love and compassion, and not take a tough love approach.

I see now that the meltdown came from sheer exhaustion and the 3 year anniversary looming.

I also can see I need to be my own amazing support system, and I think it’s time to check myself back into my personal intensive care unit.


  1. Thank you for the post, I NEEDED it!

  2. Hi Melinda from another suicide widow just reading over some of you blogs the one about Hope just want to send you this Hope is the feeling that you have that the feeling that you have are not permanent

  3. Yes, treat yourself with TLC, however, whatever, works. My daughter got engaged this weekend I am so happy for her, but so sad that her Dad is not here. Not sure how I will make it through it all, I just want to crawl in a hole right now, and stay there. Everyone thinks I am doing so amazing, if they only knew the reality of it all, I just don't want to be again. Thought I was thru with this stage, but here it is again. Take care of you, Melinda, and I will try to do the same. It isn't easy, that we know.

  4. I am 6 years out and chugging alone fine and just had one of those episodes.
    Will this never end? I will pray that you find peace. Sandy

  5. I'm not nearly so far into this widow mess as you, but I've been there. Days where you think you are fine and the smallest thing will smack you down out of nowhere. Days when you aren't really OK and suddenly you become REALLY REALLY not OK. Its so hard. I keep wondering if this will happen forever, or if its eventually something that lessens, but mostly I just want to know when it ever stops, if it does. And sadly, I don't guess there is anyone who can really answer that bc grief is so personal to everyone, even with how similar it can be.

  6. That is so it 7 months and counting, got the weepies lots now, simplest things.

  7. Thank you for reminding me that these times still come and I am normal. It's been just over a year. And I lost my mom two days before the one year anniversary of my husband's death. I feel like I've been knocked down the hill I made some progress climbing up. No one really understands that. Hell, I don't understand it myself. But it hurts. A lot. Still.