Friday, July 19, 2013

Misfit

Sometimes I feel like the Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer of the widowed.

Rudolph was an outcast, with his bright and shiny red nose that everyone made fun of, and he felt lonely and isolated, even amongst other reindeer. His best friend, Herme, was also an outcast. He was an elf that dreamt of being a dentist. All the other elves made fun of him because he didnt want to make toys for Santa. He and Rudolph sang a silly duet in that Christmas cartoon classic that asked the question: Why Am I Such a Misfit?

That is me. A misfit. The widowed community has taken me in and treated me so kindly and warmly - and I love my widowed family that I never wanted or asked for - I truly do. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm .... different. Like I don't actually belong here. Like maybe there was some mistake in the books ...

There are many reasons that I feel this way, many reasons I sense this overwhelming loneliness and isolation, or this feeling of not quite relating to other widowed people's feelings or emotions on things. First off, I do not have children. We wanted them - someday. But we were married merely 4.5 years and in no financial position yet to have them - and then he randomly dropped dead for no reason, and , well - there goes that dream.

 I know there are other widowed people without kids, but a lot of times it doesn't feel that way. It often feels like I spend a good chunk of my time entering rooms (virtual or real) where groups of widowed parents are having some sort of conversation about their kids. Widowed people with kids, when they get together, talk about their kids. A lot. They talk about how 7 year old Johny is doing with the loss, or how 2 year old Sammy won't ever know who her mother is, or how 18 year old Ellen is graduating high-school next week, and doesn't have her daddy there with her. Of course widowed people with kids talk about their kids. I'm certainly not faulting them for this. I'm just tired of feeling like a third wheel with absolutely nothing to add to the conversation except for a well-timed: "I don't have any kids", which usually brings down the room to a lovely shade of awkward.


One time, a few months after my husband died, I decided to attend a Support Group out on Long Island. I was still living in New Jersey at the time, in our old apartment, and I had Don's old, beat up car. So I had to drive over 90 minutes just to attend this meeting, but I was that desperate to talk to other people who understood this life. When I got there, everyone went around and talked about their story, and then the group leader, who has 2 children, brought up something about her kids. Before I knew it, everyone was having a conversation about their children, and how they are coping with the loss. They didn't even notice I was in the room, honestly. We sat there for almost 2 hours, and they managed to not only discuss various kid-related topics, but also plan a future widowed-people "play date" at a nearby park so that all their kids could meet one another and enjoy the day. How lovely for them. But what about me? When I go home, I am truly, 100% alone. Just me and my thoughts. I really needed to talk that night, yet nobody in that room even saw me.

 I walked out of that room feeling ten times worse than when I walked in, because now, I was faced with not only the loss of my husband, but the loss of our dreams of a family - the family I will never have. I'm 41, and I was widowed at 39. The odds aren't looking too good on me ever being a mother, considering the facts that I'm still living on "Broke-ass Back Mountain", and I have NO desire to date, yet no desire to raise a child by myself either. I'm doing my best to accept that those dreams are dead, but it's not fun when it's constantly being shoved in your face. It just seems like it is automatically "assumed" by the widowed community, that everyone has children. I often hear other widowed people say things like: "Well, we must do it for our children", or, my favorite: "If I didn't have my children, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning." Well, thanks for pushing that stake into my heart a little further, by reminding me once again that I have no real reason to keep existing, no child to take care of, no face to look into and see Don's blue eyes and beautiful soul. .

As if not having kids doesn't make me feel like enough of a misfit, there is also the whole God thing. I am not religious. At all. I wouldn't go as far as to call myself an atheist, because I do believe there is some sort of higher power. I just don't pretend to know what it is, and I certainly do NOT believe that "everything happens for a reason", or that my husband's death was part of "God's Plan", or that "trusting in the Lord" will get me through this nightmare. So, hearing these comments from the non-widowed is one thing, but to hear them from other widowed people who are very religious, is very hard. These comments are not only unhelpful to me, but I find them slightly offensive. Why do people assume everyone is religious? Why do people feed you cliches as if they are effective ways to respond to someone's pain? And where on earth do people like me go to get some words of comfort that don't include "God will carry you?" People should believe whatever it is that brings them comfort along this muddy road. I just sometimes feel like I'm all alone in not believing much of anything.



I am not a good widow. I swear. I curse. I make crazy and inappropriate jokes that sometimes offend others. I'm a comedian, which, in itself is weird and strange in this widowed world. I was not the type of person who dreamt of her wedding day as a little girl. No. I was and AM fiercely independant, and only dreamt of my wedding and my marriage after meeting the man I knew I'd spent my life with. But that life only ended up being four and a half years, and now I'm too old to be young, and too young to be old. Too tired to start over, too stubborn to give up.

 Often times, I hear other widowed people talking about "finding themselves" after the loss of their partners. That's something else I cannot relate to. I have always known exactly who I am, what I want, and where I want to be in life. My husband was my biggest supporter, and he would be proud as hell of everything I am doing now. His greatest joy was in watching me succeed. So, I know that I will survive and I will make something and create something and mold something out of this new, unwanted life. I know that I will, and I know that he will be in my soul always. I just miss him like hell, and it took me forever to find him, and then he was just gone. And I'm not sure that I know how to ever be okay with that.

We lived together on the same Island of Misfit Toys. We fit together so perfectly. Now I am stuck here on this island, and I am all alone. There are just some days where it feels like the only person in this world who truly understood me - is no longer here.

I want him back. He was my misfit, and we were misfits together in life. Without that, nothing seems to make much sense.



pictures: Rudolph and Hermey. Me and my Misfit, on our Cape Cod honeymoon. Eating at Burger King. Cuz thats what misfits do on their honeymoon.

34 comments:

  1. Hugs, Kelley - I understand where you're coming from: no kids and no strong religious beliefs here either. I am very lucky in that I've found a group of mostly childless and non-religious widows to hang out with, but I have felt that lack of belonging you describe.
    I wish we were closer so we could hang out more. I do know a good diner at Exit 8 on the NJTP if you ever want to meet up :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kelley,
    Believe me, there are a lot more misfits out there than you think! Thanks for making this one feel a little less alone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My late husband and I didn't have children either, and I found some of the same feelings in my support group but I was able to also find enough to relate to with the other young widows. That support group helped me so much in the first two years. I hope you can keep looking for support. It may not help with the grief (I think that takes time and, for me, it took individual grief counseling), but it will help with the loneliness.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kelley, thank you for such an honest and heartfelt post. You have offered a wake-up call for those of us that have children and have focused on the kids during grief support. I understand how you may feel like a "misfit". Although I am blessed to have wonderful children, I have no support from my mother and siblings. They never liked my husband and are incapable of empathizing with my grief. So, when I hear others talk about wonderful family support, I feel like a misfit, like you.

    Most importantly, don't feel alone. We have all lost a signficant part of "us" and that makes this widow/widower group joined at the hip.

    Hang in there Kelley and thanks for your post!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kelley Lynn, misfit or not, you have a message that can resonate with a lot of others today. You are being heard, and that has to count for something. I used to get upset at widow groups because I was the youngest and I couldn't believe that those older women couldn't understand that I was suffering MORE than they were because my marriage didn't last over several decades. Have you ever tried yoga? It can bring a lot of serenity to your life, even a widow's life. The deep breathing and being present in the moment can do wonders for a grieving body and mind.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a great picture from a happy time! I wish you the best and hope you find your niche where you get the validation, comfort and peace you need... I wish and hope the same for myself.... You have much talent, and much to give... Thank you for sharing and for your honest... we need each other....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Understand. We had no kids, though I had two from previous marriage. I'm not very religious and he was even less so. (I had a horrible time figuring out a funeral service that I felt was appropriate and yet would not offend my religious family.) My adult kids try to be supportive of me... but they don't miss him. My siblings are supportive, but they never understood him or appreciated him. Therapist told me I would probably not fit in the typical widow groups from hospice. She is actually trying to start a group based roughly on the Saturday Night Widows book... going forward with our lives. All of the women will be older, she says all of them "loved hard"...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Misfit - boy do I fit that category. I was married for almost 30 years, have a grown son (I'm immensely proud of) and "came out" 3 years ago after having lived apart from my wife for awhile and finally deciding I had to be true to myself. Found my "partner for life", moved in together in September of 2011 (we had know each other for quite some time) and were just starting a fantastic journey through life together and then he died very suddenly April 9, 2012 (undiagnosed blood vessel rupture - led to my giving permission for disconnect from life support and his death 10 minutes later) lost my job 2 days later due to cutbacks and now I'm in "nowhere land". His family have had me excluded from his estate (even though I had been supporting him for some time in many ways as his family had turned their back on him in time of need) - in fact, his mother (the executrix) signed an affidavit attesting to the fact that he had not been in any relationship upon his death - talk about being hit up the side of the head... am I angry - yes; am I hurt - yes. However, I have taken the high road (after a legal response was sent to her legal counsel attesting to our relationship and identifying the financial contributions and love between us - with accompanying evidence). I will not pursue further, I will move on, and I will live life - whatever it might bring my way. This will be my legacy to Ron - the love of my life. As he would want it that way (he would be so upset with this turn in the road and the de-valuing of our relationship by his family). I too struggle for support...but I definitely feel I have support and understanding on this site...thank you to all that contribute and help provide a light at the end of the tunnel...I just am assuming it's not another freight train coming my way...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brilliant, this one is just EPIC ! Thank you, thank you !

    ReplyDelete
  10. How coincidental that I just posted about feeling like an outcast in the widowed community...I get it...My neurosis is for different reasons... but I too feel like a bad widow...
    And it's because I do things to the beat of MY drum...not yours. I look different, I act different, I believe different...Maybe it's not us... maybe it's really THEM! Love you lady!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm what some would call an "unwedded widow" so I fully understand not fitting in. I have some really great widow friends, though, who don't see me any differently...and I've been lucky enough to find others in similar situations. It's mostly my own projections/expectations of what I should be to belong to this ground. Dumb, huh? Placing expectations on myself in a situation that's painful enough to begin with and one which I have had absolutely no control.

    anyway, keep on keepin' on. I really enjoyed your post. Thanks for the validation.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so glad I read this!!!

    You're not a misfit, we didn't have children either. It was a relief to not have to explain to a small child (we were only together 6 years when he died), that daddy is gone and to have to raise a child alone but sometimes I wish I had that little rock to hold onto...I see parents with their little ones and my heart twists so fast and hard, it actually hurts.

    Don't feel like a misfit, I too know the feeling. I only personally know two other young women who are widowed and they have children as well, so they had that support. Me? I don't even have a pet. It's just me and my job. My family/friends/coworkers have been amazing but, they are not with me when I get home from work. It's just me, my thoughts and whatever mindless entertainment to keep me distracted.

    We'll be able to get over this, I know it...I do hope to find new love and become a mother one day, but some days I do feel like that clock is ticking away and there's no sight of that happy ending.

    So can I join you on the island?

    ReplyDelete
  13. i have been reading all the comments and see that so many of us feel like we don't fit into some normal widowhood. my feelings of isolation and not belonging come from the fact that my husband of 37 years' siblings have been----well, his sister is crazy and his brother is the most emotionally unavailable person on the planet---and i feel so abandoned by them. i am jealous of everybody who has had support from their in-laws. i too am tired of hurting and i just want my life back.

    thank you so much for your post. thank you for your honesty and for making it okay for the rest of us to share our pain.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you all so much for your comments and for your support, and, yes, Ari, you can join me on the island. Misfits are cool.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well said! We didn't have kids either so I sometimes feel like a widow misfit too. Thank you for writing this and expressing how many of us feel.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yeah...I'm with you on this one, for all three counts. In my 40s, wanted to have kids, but alas. I'm also (kind of) atheist, so joined an online grief group for atheists, and am not sure I fit in there either! And onto the other biggie, I did a lot of soul searching in my 20's AND 30's, I really didn't think I'd have to be doing it again, now, as I try to "right" this "wronged" ship! Not sure if you remember, but we did meet at CW. So even though it's lonely, you are not alone. Thanks for this post. I've written about the no-kid thing and the no-religion thing, too if you feel like reading. (Yes...another widow blog.) But, remember, Rudolph really was the cutest, because of that shiny difference, right? But man, it does hurt at times. Just today I had to drop my stuff and run out of the store where I was trying to buy something for my friend's baby, as the tears were coming. Shoulda' grabbed a pacifier for myself on the way out, eh? Take care, keep sharing, and HUGS. (bedraggledandkicking.wordpress.com - aka Katja)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh boy does this one resonate with me. Childless? check. Non-religious? check (atheist, actually). Took a long time to find him? check (early 30s when we met, 39 when we married, 49 when I was widowed; always said I'd rather be alone than married to anyone less than my best friend and soul mate, but boy that alone thing sure is a whole lot harder after you've had a good partnership and thought you'd left it all behind). I even had a similar experience driving to a widows get together (traumatic enough to begin with, since I had to *start* driving after my husband died), and I couldn't think of a single thing to add to the conversation about kids. Then there was the support group where one woman said the only reason to keep going was her children and grandchildren. Never went back to either. I don't know, Kelley, maybe you will smoke out enough of us misfits with this article that we will have to stop calling ourselves that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't think there is any such thing as a "normal widow"...it does not matter how long married..if had kids or not...if married or gay....we have ALL lost the love of our life...our soul mates...our companions...And this lost has been a giant life changing event....life shattering and heart breaking and soul shredding.

    And we all have to find our own way through each of own tragedies and in our own way. For me, my deep faith in my Savior, continues to help me cope....both of us, my John and I had our faith in common (along with many other things of course)....and it was his faith that helped him face death as a result of a rare complication of a bone marow transplant received 19 months earlier. He was cancer free and was returning to work and suddenly acute progressive respiratory failure and given only days to live.
    However my faith is only one way I cope...it is number one...yet my friends and family are there for me....we were married almost 5 years....both in our early 50s at the time..his kids hate me...my kids loved him but they are in their 20s and he is not their father....and they have their own lives.
    Everyone in my life that is my age seem to be in happy and long relationships...it is hard not to be envious....and not be reminded what I have lost......
    I just recently found this blog and have foundb sooooo helpful....we all have to help each other...be respectful of our indiviuality in our coping tools we use.....and to continue to share all the hard stuff that each of you are so talented in putting into words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could not agree more. We are all different and need to find out own path. Having kids can make conversations easier to start because parents are good at talking through parenting issues with other parents .... but not so used to talking about waking from another blood-filled nightmare where you've watched them die each night for the last week.

      Delete
  19. You are not alone. Just call me "train with square wheels".

    I'm 42, and my husband died suddenly six days before my 39th birthday. I have no children. I am spiritual but not religious, and the only response I have to the well-intentioned platitudes of "everything happens for a reason" (or variations thereof) is "There had better not be a 'reason' that my husband died suddenly at the age of 46, because if Someone has done this on purpose, then I am going to be very, very, very p*ssed at Someone."

    I don't know if anyone will ever "get me" like my Dan did. I don't know if I will ever be able to completely trust anyone like I did him - trust him to always have my back and to know, deep down in my soul, that he would never, ever do anything to hurt me. I don't know if I will ever be able to have that level of confidence and complete lack of doubt in someone else.

    And I miss it with every fiber of my being.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coyotefit, that is pretty much exactly how I feel about my Don. And you can be the train with square qwheels if I can be the bird with no wings who swims. Or the Charlie In the Box. "Nobody wants a Charlie in the Box!!!" God I love that cartoon lol.

      Delete
    2. I too can not imagine being with anyone like what I had with my John....and at this point I have no desire to...I also miss my husband with everything inside of me...I miss our life we had.

      Delete
  20. As someone who loves you, is a widow, and supposedly "fits in" to some other group of widowed people (but who, like everyone else, has felt like a misfit in some way in this "club") ...... I have to tell you that I strongly disagree with you.
    You are one fantastic widow.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's been 14 months since my husband passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed Pulmonary Embolism at age 52 and I'm still trying to grieve and heal.

    I cried in Burger King the other day when a song came over the loudspeaker that I listened to while my family was on a vacation together a few years ago. I just want my "old life" back.

    I was married for 25 years when my husband died suddenly. We do have two daughters (now ages 20 & 16) but I feel like an outcast because my outlaws (as I call them) want to "be there for the girls" and have basically turned their back on me.

    I also went to a Grief Support meeting one time that was for adults who had children in another meeting. Almost everyone there was a recent widow except one lady who had lost her father but she brought her husband with her and I found myself getting mad at her because her husband was alive and with her and my husband and the husbands of the other widows were not there!

    Thank you for writing your post. I get so much support from reading the blog entries along with the comments from others who understand.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kelley Lynn, it looks like your "misfits" island is very crowded, after all...I belong there, too...especially on the religious issues - it infuriates me when i hear people praising the Lord, and posting "God is good", when their loved one recovers from some illness - so let me get this straight - God gets credit for that, but I can't ask why he let my husband die in the accident? WTH? I love your writing - please don't stop...we also didn't have children together - we both have grown children...I do tend to talk about my 5-yr-old granddaughter a lot...

    ReplyDelete
  23. totally understand. i do have kids but they are mostly grown. don't really get invited to playdates when your youngest is 17 years old. not religious either. i prefer to say I'm spiritual. i believe in a power outside our visual universe. i believe we go on after leaving this earth as we are made up of energy and energy never dies...it just transforms into another shape/form of existence. So our life force just moves on to another existence. there are a lot of us misfits out here. i know i'm one. never quite fit in anywhere...but it's been like that for me for as long as I can remember.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Been like that for me too, CJ. But then I found my misfit partner in Don. And then he was gone. And now Im just a misfit again:( p.s. I believe the same thing about death/energy. I just miss my Hermey.

      Delete
  24. Kelley, your writing touches my soul. I've felt like a misfit so many times throughout my life.. Keep on writing and sharing.

    Diane

    ReplyDelete
  25. Kelly, this is amazing and real and honest and an important message! I am so pleased to read the comments of others who share our beliefs (or lack there of) and how that impacts this journey through grief and loss. Leading the discussion at Camp Widow West this summer for Atheist and Agnostic folks was a huge eye opener for me. I remember speaking to my sister shortly before Camp and she was asking how I was feeling regarding leading the group, and I told her I was pretty sure no one would show up! Lo and behold, we had about 10. Though that number may not seem big, to me it was the world. I had my community within the community. I, like you, have gathered a ton of strength and comfort from my greater widowed community, but there has always been that "misfit" feeling; that feeling where I felt like I was still biting my tongue, still feeling isolated within a group of people who were supposed to "get it." At Camp Widow, within that discussion group, I felt free. I felt free to speak my truth, and speak for what KC believed as well. It was amazing to me, and as nervous as I was, and as big of a risk as I felt it would be to brand myself "the heathen widow," after the group, I felt proud. Thank you for sharing this! Thank you for making inappropriate jokes, and thank you for attending the discussion!

    ReplyDelete
  26. We're all alone and all together
    We're all different and yet the same
    We're all faithful and faithless in our ways
    We're all lost and then found other days
    Let's stay on the path and hold hands for strength
    Let's quell our fear with laughter and drink
    Let's be silent, scream or cry together
    You're not at all the misfit you think.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Kelley Lynn and all other misfits who have responded here,You'd be surprised to know that even so called normal widows (I have two daughters, one grandson, am in my 70's) can be made to feel out of place. I don't want to suddenly start making my kids fill the void left by my husband's death. Yet a widower told me in a hospice support group that I SHOULD tell my kids that they SHOULD start calling me every day to support me in my loneliness. They have lost their father. They don't need to become my mother. I left the group soon after. I was especially upset that the moderator did not stop his rantings at me.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Kelley, I'm new to the "club," searching for some direction and meaning. I read books, blogs, posts and anything else I find that provides some understanding of the madness. Every once in while I read something, that just says "yea, that's it." Thank you for the connection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Listening blog!! Love that name, by the way. Always glad to know when something I say reaches someone else in any way. Just FYI, I also write a personal blog at www.ripthelifeiknew.com ...

      Delete
  29. Hi Kelley, I just want to let you know that being a widow with a child isn't that great either. I am a different kind of misfit because of my child's emotional problems. He doesn't want to leave the house and I can't have any social life, job or anything trying to meet his needs without any family support either. I'm struggling each day, even 3 1/2 years out just to keep going so that I don't give up on our child because there isn't anyone else. The only person that truly loved us or could connect with me or my son is my husband and he is gone.

    ReplyDelete