Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Different Widow Card

So there's this guy...he likes me and I like him
And when we are together, we giggle.
With him, I remember how much I like to laugh, the kind of laughter that makes my belly hurt.

And then
there's this other guy, who when he smiles at me
I can't say a damn thing intelligent.
The energy coming off of him says "Good kisser."
If only I could find the courage to see if I'm right.

And then there were those silly police officers
whose eyes followed me as I walked by their car.
So I swung my hips just little more than usual, I sashayed.

And it felt good.

I love men.

I adore how they stupid get, or how bold I feel around them. How quickly they lose themselves in "Excuse me, can you help me? I'm so frustrated."

And now I see, really see that, I am free to love men and that the one I choose is lucky.

And I wonder, is it fun and exciting because I'm NOT that widow who is forlorn and missing her husband so much she can't see the men in front of her. Or is it fun and exciting because I am discovering the new Kim. The "this is what I have to offer" Kim?

It's fun to be that woman who looks at cute men and goes
"Mmm, mmm, mmmm."

I get silly and goofy but this time, 17 years after Art won my heart, I feel the control. I remember...(or is it that I am experiencing it for the first time?) that I am a woman. I glorious sensual 46 yr old woman.

Tall (sort of), beautiful and quick witted.

I know how flirt. How to lay my hand on a man's arm at that exact moment when we laugh, or to salsa with that flare or to say "I really appreciate your effort." and mean it.

I remember how good it is to know they're watching me, wanting me in their simple man ways.

I love what a smile will do for them, and how I can get that extra discount, the little favor, the phone number with that smile.

Somewhere I remember that power. It was the power I had over Art, only then I didn't believe him. I didn't believe that he really loved me on my "fat" days or my "I hate the world days."

And I see. That his love was kind and warm and even now it gives me the courage and the power to put new pieces into the new Kim. To say, "No, you are not right for me." To stay in myself in a relationship instead of in him in a relationship.

And with Art's love from those 17 years, this is what I think I am:

Funny and opinionated and smart. Driven to make a difference and I like to have fun, goofy, let's not get caught fun. I'm the don't even come near me if you can't make me laugh or have never watched Monty Python or have not traveled to some place exotic gal.

I'm the emotional growth, spiritual person. So if you don't know what's in your baggage, if you don't believe in a higher power, if you have not done your work, if you have not fallen to your knees seeing all that you don't know, don't call.

I'm gratitude girl. If you have never appreciated the way your mail arrives 6 days a week, or how wonderful your nanny is or how on certain days, all the traffic lights are green, you won't even get my number.

And this body of mine?
Has the markings of a life well lived. It's sagging in the breast but has an ass that remains "young." This body has lose skin over it's belly. That belly comes alive and will writhe under just the right touch.....if you are lucky.

Did I mention that I laugh loudly and I will tell you when you make me mad? Did I tell you I love adventure but you will have to talk me into it?

I am all these things and I am not
all pretty, or all those things all the time.
I am stubborn and sometimes unkind. I have quick, sharp tongue that few have been able to rival.

But it is who I am and
all good.

Art taught me that.

This is the new widow card.


  1. Kim, I think as a widow it is sometimes hard to admit when we are starting to feel this way. This the point I am at- I want to have someone be attracted to me and ask me out, although I am still not sure how serious I want it to get. I just want someone to get me to do some fun and adventurous things I would not do on my own- my husband use to be that guy. So I can relate to that comment. Thanks for being real. New widows might not get this, but at some point they will be where we are after the last year without my love.

  2. I read your post once and my response was "Wow"! I read it again and was filled with a smile, a hope and a burst of positivity. Amazing. Thanks so much for sharing. You let us know that somewhere, at some time, there may, just may be an escape from this deep dark world that we have fallen into. Thanks for shining the light on the exit!! xx

  3. YES, I completely agree!! I'm finding my widow card as well.

  4. I Love This! This is (most) everything that I wanted to be but wasn't in my relationship with my husband. While I do miss my husband, I'm looking forward to discovering the new me and wondering who it is that will get the privilege to share in it.

  5. I also said "wow" when I finished reading. You found a way to tap into that place that was once how we knew ourselves, and are now that much wiser to know ourselves that much better, what a powerful tool that is!

  6. Kim, this IS really good. I just wish I was in a better place where I could relate to it more.

  7. Kim... love it! I can really relate. I'm 32 (was married 7 years- lost him 4 years ago today actually) and even though I miss him often, I have to say that I'm happy to feel that I have a new lease on this life. Thank you for posting this! Jenny

  8. Love this. Such a strong piece that rings true in every way.Not ready to use it in any real way yet, but I can feel that power. The power that will not allow me to accept any less from a man than I deserve, having lived through this.

  9. Oh God. I don't think I'll ever get here. Thank God to hear it's possible - you rock Kim. Always my favorite blog of the week. Thanks.

  10. Thank you Kim, your blog was just what I needed. after two and 1/2 years I joined one of those online meeting groups and for the first time I am going to meet someone in person - just for coffee. First time going out with someone other than my husband- last time I dated was back in 1986- I leave in 1/2 hour and was thinking that I might just cancel...not going to do that now.

  11. OH!!! How was the coffee!! Please do tell. I'm so glad you went. So very glad and I hope you sashayed, just a little :)

  12. I love this! It hasn't been quite seven months since I lost my husband, and I'm not there yet... but I can see the glimmer of this "new widow card" on the horizon of my future. Thanks for pointing the way.

  13. Kim, you stunning woman, I love this! Couldn't have said it better myself.

  14. Hi Kim, Thank you so much for asking "how was the coffee?" I have tears in my eyes seeing as there is no one else that I really can share my emotions about this with. Well it was late so I had decafe. I also ordered a cup of soup. I purposly picked someone that was not my "he's got it all that I want and I want him to want me back" the conversation never had an awkward silence and i still know how to make someone comfortable in this type of setting. He did not know that the gray pullover shirt I was wearing was one that I shared with my husband for many years (recently while going through old photos I discoved that one or the other of us were wearing it through many years in the fall)
    Proud that I was myself at all times, did not get all decked out/did not even put on eyeliner- went right to the diner from the ballfield where my son was practicing-and when talking about my past it is impossible to not reference "my husband" at moments it was strange for me - but after over 21 years of being married - my whole history and frame of reference is about "us" so I learned that I need to be me, when and if i do find the guy that turns me on-for him to really get me and make me happy - he is going to have to accept that the relationship will have many rich memories and decisions that I made were based upon the man that came before and if life had gone the way I wished - I would of continued happily on with "this other incredible partner" "I will not sugar coat and make him out to be all that he might not of been BUT I refuse to alter my past and talk about it as if he did not exist because some new person may not like it or might be uncomfortable. I need someone that will always be comfortable keeping their father alive and a presence.
    So- it was good that I found the courage to have a "First" before we got up from the table he asked me out again. I slowed it down a bit and said "lets talk a bit on the phone, before we go out again" he was pleased with that- and so two nights later he called and we talked - my kids were making noise in the background (he has no children and is divorced,also younger than I by four years) The being younger - just happened- could be a plus because I have the silly notion that my odds of being left alone again would be reduced if I was attracted to someone younger- unfortunatley It just does not turn me on.
    I feel I NEED a widow the same age or a tad older with at least one child preferably still living at home. Any way I told him I was going on a World Cruise with my kids in January- which I am-nervous he may wait till i get back and start calling. He is a really nice guy and all day today I fantasized about fixing him up with a good friend of mine that really fits him better. I like him, I hope he does not become a stalker and is as nice a person as he presented.I hope my friend and him work out so that we can remain friends that can go out as couples when I find the partner that I seek for the second half. Trying to not get scared that I will never find someone and keep telling myself how lucky someone would be to catch my interest.
    Thank you so much for asking- I tried to share the experience with a divorced friend that just started dating and the responses and conversation regarding what I had to go through- just did not match up-no comfort from sharing with someone not wearing my widow shoes.

  15. I am so glad and proud and honored that you did this and shared it with all of us! Widowhood is all about reluctant firsts, "fine" seconds and "hey that was fun" thirds and fourths! Honored to be wearing the same widow shoes as you! YOU ROCK and there are many out there for you, but only a few who deserve you!!!!