Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Escape


I'd like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything.

Sometimes the pressure of being the "only parent" feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I've had too much. No one to take over when I need a time out. I have to be in it regardless of my readiness or mental state. There is no other option. The buck stops with me.

If I need help there is no one there to see it and offer it. If I need help I have to ask for it. I feel like I'm constantly having to ask for help, get someone's assistance so that I can have even the smallest break. I'm sick of asking. Its not fair to me that I have to do this alone. It's not fair to Grayson. He doesn't get the best of me. He gets what's left after I work, pay bills, take care of the house, groceries, laundry, dinner, homework, etc. What's left after that? What's left for him? Hell, what's left for me?

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I guess it helps that you get it. Another chapter in the book of "why it sucks to be widowed". And yes, I would like some cheese to go with my whine. Thanks for listening.
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11 comments:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2010 at 5:27 AM

    I had to learn to swallow my pride and except help after my wife died 5 years ago. Not an easy thing for me.

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  2. DebbieSeptember 7, 2010 at 5:53 AM

    I sure get it. It's not how it's supposed to be.

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  3. LindsSeptember 7, 2010 at 5:56 AM

    I get it. Believe me. Ditto to all the above.

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  4. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2010 at 7:29 AM

    Is there room in that boat for two?
    I spent my Labor Day weekend painting house trim and shopping at Home Depot for things I need to get minor repairs done. As I was slowly painting I remembered how easy these projects were when there were two of us as a team.
    I miss the joy in sharing even the mundain things. Sandy

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  5. RogerSeptember 7, 2010 at 8:14 AM

    You are not whining, that's what we are here for. To listen, most of us have been where you are. It will be all worth it when you witness an event in your life. When you sit there all proud and teary eyed because that child is there because of your guidance. :)

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  6. UnknownSeptember 7, 2010 at 1:33 PM

    Thank you for putting your feelings into words so that those who haven't been in our shoes can better understand the struggles we go through being the "only parent." It's so exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally and it's NOT similar to being divorced!! I'm sharing this on my wall...

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  7. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    I also get it and wish it weren't so! My kids are grown and still they struggle with their dad's death. It doesn't seem to get easier; it seems to get harder.

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  8. tinaSeptember 7, 2010 at 7:29 PM

    You said it.....

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  9. jlikestravelSeptember 8, 2010 at 8:23 AM

    You covered it all and I thank you for it. Just when I need it most, I find the comfort in reading the posts here. It is so hard being the single "widowed" parent. No one really gets it...except another one of "US".

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  10. widowsquaredSeptember 11, 2010 at 6:28 AM

    Oh, so true.
    It is hard to ask for help, I know. But, remember the adage - "It takes a village to raise a child."
    I have struggled in asking for help, but in feeling sorry for myself, I have been able to do so and it makes a great difference. LIfe becomes a little bit easier and I do not feel so terribly alone.

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  11. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2010 at 10:28 PM

    ...and then comes Teenage Land. My son was 13 when he lost his dad 3 years ago. It's a train wreck.

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