Friday, September 17, 2010

to try again or not to try again

I'm lonely. Bitter and lonely.

I don't want to date....but when no one asks me to go on a date, I feel stung and.....lame.

What is wrong with me? Are my thighs too large? Do I not have a good enough job? Do I have too much baggage? Do I look to androgynous?

Then I look around at what is out here. I'm young-ish but old enough that if someone my age is single, there is often a very good reason. The dregs at the bottom of the glass. Is that how I am seen? The leftovers.

I mentally ask Jeff to send someone interesting my way....And then think I am an idiot. I don't want anyone in my life! The kids and I are fine. I get to choose all the pictures on the walls. I am the master of my domain! I was truly loved by a wonderful man who I adored and could never 'replace' that.

But then I find myself curled up around my cold hands wishing I had someone's armpits to stuff them in to warm them up. Someone who'd listen as I told them the long-winded anti-climactic story of my drive home behind a woman with a beehive hairdo and five chihuahuas. Someone who'd share the huge pot of chicken stew I made that won't fit in the freezer, dooming my single self to three days of a strict stew diet after the kids have long grown tired of the thick and healthy vegetable laden broth.

Back and forth I go. Yes, I want to date. No, I most certainly don't want some cast-off in my life. But I want someone to give a damn about what goes on here. But I don't want to worry about the hairdo my legs are sporting. But it would feel great to care about someone and know that they think I'm the bomb. But I'm glad I don't have to put the toilet seat down before I sit.....

For now, maybe I should just ask Jeff to help me decide what the hell I want in my life. Because how I'm feeling right now is just pathetic and quite possibly, desperate. Not traits that are at all attractive or conducive to inviting a possible relationship into my life, really.


  1. Just exactly how I feel! Thank you for letting me know Im not the only one!!

  2. It's almost like we're going along this journey side by side, Jackie. I've been feeling exactly the same way...

  3. Right there with you. Ready to begin again, or at least try. Easier said than done.

  4. Ditto, It is good to know that other widows feel the same! I have had the all same thoughts and want to go right into a comfortable relationship like the one I had. I too want to skip the rest.

  5. A friend of mine told me about this blog, I am newly widowed 37 days .
    I am still hurting and I feel raw,plus I have a mother in law to look after she has alzheimers.I am alone now with her.

  6. I, too, can relate. I'm 28 and hate hearing how "young" I am- that I have "so much life ahead of me." What am I going to do with all of this time? Who am I going to share it with? My husband and I did everything "right." What a slap in the face. I'm lonely, sad, and did I mention..lonely. I can only hope that God has a plan for me- one with feelings of fulfillment and joy. Thanks for the post, Jackie!
    Connie H.

  7. SO well spoken, Jackie. You have written what many of us are thinking. I just want my mate and my other life back!

  8. You don't mention your age, but sometimes people remain single for reasons that have nothing to do with them being "dregs".

    Dating - attachment and love in general - is risky, but it was the first time too. We just forget about that after we marry. Having to venture back out into the pool after marriage is a shock to the system b/c it is essentially the same pond stock - but older and as travel worn as we are.

  9. loved reading this. it spoke directly to me. i'm not a widow but i'm newly divorced (separated 4 years ago...divorce final last year) to a man that's been a part of my life since i was 18 - i'm 40 now.

    so, although he's still here in the physical sense, we're not together which leaves me wondering, thinking, wanting, not wanting, desiring, not desiring...the same things you mentioned.

    guess time will tell...

  10. Your post hits a raw nerve. I've said many of those things to myself. To see you write them lets me know that I'm not a alone. (((hugs))) to you...

  11. I also felt like I could be saying all the things that I read in your post. It has been four months since I lost husband that I deeply loved. Most days I am ok in my new life with me and my children, my job, my family... but mostly I constantly miss my husband. I can't even imagine somebody else in my life but it makes me sad to think there will not be "love" in my life.

  12. I hear you. It's been six and a half months since I lost my husband, and I'm feeling very conflicted about the whole dating thing. On the one hand, I'm lonely and I crave company and physical touch. On the other hand, the idea of starting from scratch with someone new -- and having to tell share the story of how I became single again -- fills me with dread. I go back and forth all the time.