(originally posted December 29, 2007 ..... eleven days after Jim died)
..... to know that Jim is in Heaven? Yes, someone asked me this ...... 10 days after Jim's sudden death.
Interesting question. Should I/we be happy that Jim is in heaven? Well, of course if I were a "good" Christian then I'd have to give you the pat, "good" answer: 'Of course I'm glad that he's up there, with God, praising and singing (though he never really enjoyed singing so I'm not sure he's all THAT thrilled) and will never suffer again.'
But I think we Christians tend to gave way too many "pat" answers, mostly because we don't know what to say, or because we don't know what the hell we're talking about. So here's my real answer (because I don't feel very "good" nor "pat" at the moment):
No, I'm not happy that he's in heaven. I'm beyond furious! I think this was a stupid idea and I wish I could understand what HE was thinking when He tore such a good, decent and godly man out of our lives. He hadn't been sick; he wasn't suffering (until the morning he woke up); and I was told there was an 80 - 90% success rate for this surgery! Jim could've and should've done so much more in our community, in our church and in our family. I was making headway in getting him to go to Africa with me so he would've had an even bigger impact on our world.
Yes, I know there's the whole "My thoughts are not your thoughts" and My ways are not your ways" verse, but for the first time in my life, Bible verses seem to ring a little shallow.
It's not that I'm turning from my faith -- heck I've had that longer than I had Jim, but it just seems far away right now. God seems very far away. He felt like He was a million miles away on the 18th when so many people were in battle, praying for Jim to live ... and he did not. To use an illustration used at church the weekend before Jim died: I feel like one tiny frozen pea, lost in the Astrodome of God's galaxy.
And I don't, or can't, trust that He'll ever put me back in His arms again.
Yet.
Yet.
I understand totally. For the first time in my life I questioned everything in my faith and what I thought I believed. I don't understand why God could do this such a good person, make him suffer the last 3 yrs of his life and take him. We never wanted to be apart, he never deserved to get cancer, he never wanted this, never wanted to die even with all he was dealt with. No words such as he's better off, he's not suffering anymore etc. don't help me they actually make me more angry. He was better off not getting cancer, he was better off not suffering, he was better off if he didn't die. Now I suffer how is any of this better????? I'm trying to turn to my faith again but I must admit it is really hard right now. I'm just holding on to just maybe his spirit lives on and is here with me.
ReplyDeleteTHIS has been the biggest thing that has made me angry since my husband died. Everyone at church kept saying that to me over and over and worse (God took him because He needed him more, Be happy - he's in Heaven, etc...)
ReplyDeleteI call BULL CRAP on all of it.
God doesn't snatch people away. He doesn't bring on their suffering and end their lives. Death and sickness and all bad things came into the world because of sin. It's NOT God's fault. For goodness sakes, God gave His own son so that we could be saved from all these horrible things.
Could God reach out and end someone's suffering or cure them? I sure believe He can - but does He? No. Why? I don't know. You'll have to ask Him someday.
Am I glad my husband's in Heaven? Sure thing. I'd rather have him there than the other place. Am I happy about it? NO!! He belongs here with me until we are both 110 years old.
You know why bad things happen to good people?
Because they just do.
Just like good things happen to bad people. It's not God's fault.
Gosh Janine, this echoed a lot of what I said 11 days after Erik's death. He was doing so well after his accident. With all those prayers and good thoughts he still died even after we thought he had passed the dangerous point. Now I'm 2 years out, and I still have to bite my tongue when someone says, "you should be happy he's in heaven." Call me selfish, but I'm not happy. I'm miserable especially when I'm leaving work to go home to an empty house without anyone to talk to or someone to say "I love you" to in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe in the afterlife as it is scripted by the various religions, or even in God as he is portrayed, so I didn't struggle much with this. The whys and hows of death and moving on to another plane are beyond our conscious ability to comprehend. I am not expected to understand or even agree - because it's not about me but was about him. Even married we are still separate beings with distinct destinies.
ReplyDeleteBut because my daughter was just three, I used the heaven idea to give her something concrete to understand. She didn't think daddy's good fortune should be at her expense either. I think that's a perfectly normal way to feel in the early months.
I understand completely. It's been one year since my husband suddenly past away. I don't think there are any answers to why we have to lose our loved ones and suffer such horrible grief. Not to mention the lonely days and sadness that continue. It does test your faith. One thing we do know is that the same one that created us can take us at anytime. We are always learning and this is one of the worst experiences we will ever have. The only good that can come from what we have been through is that we might be able to help others that have been through the same thing. We just have to continue our lives and pray that we will be strong. All we really have is our faith. Everything is borrowed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest. I'm sick of Christians telling me how much better off he is, how happy he is ....and the best?? How those in heaven are neither married nor given in marriage.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me if I'm not real spiritual right now.