That's what got me through the first year.
Well ... that's not actually true.
It was chocolate mainly*. I am addicted. Its not a good thing.
...and I actually hate red wine, so it was more of a Baileys or Bundaberg Rum thing I had going on. And not that much really as I am not a big drinker.
But the title "Chocolate and red wine" sounded better in my head than "Lots of chocolate and a good stare into the liquor cabinet before deciding on a hot chocolate anyway".
That being said, there were times when I said to myself "if you drank all of that, it would make the pain go away for a while". Luckily I am also very smart, so another bit of my brain immediately reminded the "lets get drunk" part of my brain that vomiting and a headache would really not help all that much in the morning.
The current issue is that I need to wean myself off chocolate.
It has become a crutch that I need to lose
It wasn't always this way though ..... I couldn't eat ANYTHING for a week after Greg died. I lived on diet shakes that I had in the pantry as I just could not swallow any solid food. But when I did start eating, it involved a lot of comfort food. including chocolate.
So while you are playing along at home (probably nodding along - tell me I am not alone here PLEASE), tell me what you do to break a bad habit, 'cause I need some ideas..... or at least a low fat version of "chocolate".
* - OK so it was really my kids and my parents and friends that got me through the first year, but chocolate helped too.
I didn't eat for a long time. Intermittently, I could eat a cupcake or some yogurt. I subsisted mainly on the cream in my tea. I dropped 25ish pounds. It took until year two before my weight brept back up again. And while I don't like How I got body, that lighter leaner body, I really miss having it. For awhile, I resented the fact that my appetite and interest in food returned - resented on a lot of different levels. I definitely chubbed back out. I got back into running, and started actually looking at the amount of food I was eating. Totally helped. I did a no white sugar thing for 6 weeks this spring - showed me what I sweet tooth I have. Sheesh. Anyway - on to the chocolate. I have been leaning on it hard lately. And not running. Probably not a good long term strategy.
ReplyDeleteI still indulge in both chocolate and wine. I have switched entirely to dark chocolate, and buy Ghiradelli's dark choc chips, taking only a few, well...sometimes more... mixing with almonds and dried cherries. I think eliminating chocolate entirely only makes you crave it more, so I just have a bit. Does take willpower not to go overboard, but there are much worse things to be addicted to. Good luck in cutting back.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I still keep those liquid meal replacements on hand because I still have bouts of not eating like I did right after Dave died.
ReplyDeleteWhen I do numb with food, it's any comfort food at all. I work hard not to go too far with booze, too. I recognize also that adding a hangover to my problems isn't smart. Also, when I feel bad physically, the grief is much harder to bear. I love chocolate too, but my weakness is ice cream and I can easily overeat if I don't watch it.
Chocolate, ice cream, pasta, anything with lots of carbs. I've gained about 50 lbs. since Steve first got sick, in October 2005, and I haven't budged them since. It bothers me that I carry all this weight, but not enough to give up the foods that comfort me. You're not alone!
ReplyDeleteBen and Jerry's, Chardonay and fried foods. Gained 30lbs the first two years. In January I started intermittently working to get it off. Slowly seeing some progress. Down 17 lbs. Have alot of "cheat" days so it is taking a lot longer than it should.
ReplyDeleteI definitely drink more since Dave died and have gained back most of the weight I lost at the time of his death. White wine is my vice. (I started making my own a year or so ago to save some $.) I think it's in moderation as I don't drink to get drunk, but I'm sure it would be easier to keep the weight off if I ditched the wine entirely.
ReplyDeleteSo I have no advice to share as far as breaking a bad habit, as I have no intention of doing so at this point in time. Lol!
But as far as keeping the extra weight at bay - I can thank my pain in the butt dog for that.
I can't say no to his gorgeous eyes begging me to take him out as soon as I get home from work. And it's a habit, so I don't even think about it anymore. He keeps me walking EVERY day all year round. And other than the wine I'm able to maintain a healthy diet with no junk food.
Well - let me add from a man's perspective - I too have gained weight since the loss of my partner 14 months ago. It is from the Chardonnay (and other liquor of choice) and my sedentary lifestyle - I just am not motivated to get out and exercise, etc. the way I used to (wish I could have a dog - for companionship and excuse to walk - but apt doesn't allow it...). I do try to watch my other diet choices and have salads, etc. - but a lot of times just not that hungry - and I just hate cooking for 1 - one is such a lonely number! I could list a whole bunch of other reasons as to why I'm not really concerned about my weight anymore - but we probably all have that same mindset and could probably agree on several. I'd rather not think of them as reasons or excuses - they are just the reality of the day - perhaps it will change in the future, perhaps it will not...there, that's another reason - without my partner here with me, who really cares, or for what reason would I, or should I, be concerned about prolonging this agony called life by leading a more healthy lifestyle...
ReplyDeleteMy down fall is chips and dip! I did lose about 15 pounds after my husband died and have kept most of it off. Like you, why cook for 1? it's depressing and no fun. Nobody to tell you what a great job you did! The only reason I can find to lose some pounds is for my daughters and grandsons. I don't want to die early like my husband did. My kids need to have me around and I want to be here a long time for them. Although, I'm not afraid to die anymore, and the thought of a long life is a bit scary without having my husband, but I just don't want to have my kids hearts hurt anymore than they already have been. I was 33 when my mom died and I still miss her terribly. But tonight, had to run and buy some chips, had the dip, now I'm going to go have a "light" fudge bar! whatever gets us through the night.
ReplyDeleteThanks for everyone's comments. I have recently taken the approach of treating my grief like recovering from a bad physical accident. I think with this mindset it is easier to approach my goals and setbacks with a bit more patience and determination. I think of the physical and mental insult that happened when I found out my partner died, and continues on everyday without him. I wake up in the morning and think "okay, what am I going to do to get better today?". If I had a bad fall or car accident I would want to put good food in my body to heal, so I try to take the same approach with my grief. it doesn't work everyday but it helps me be patient when I go for a run and get frustrated when I am out of breath 20 seconds in. I remember "hey, I just went through something epic!" and start slow, remembering to love myself along the way, take take and go at my own pace. Hope this helps, goodluck with your journey
ReplyDeleteMy late husband,Tom, made me promise to lose weight. I had let my figure go to hell when he became ill. Comfort food is a misnomer. My Tom had diabetes 2 and end stage heart failure. These conditions are exacerbated by poor diet. I did not realize how terrible my health had been until I lost 60 lbs. I still miss him like crazy, but feel like a 20 year old. If you eliminate mayo,white bread,white potatoes,rice, and pasta it helps. Peanut butter, jelly,juice,soda, ice cream and junk snacks must go. I did not give up red wine! I keep a bag of dark chocolate Hershey's kisses in the freezer and eat two before going to bed. If you confine your meats to fish and chicken,make homemade soup in the crockpot you will start feeling great. Now if I could only figure out how to sleep at night. I refuse to drink myself to sleep or take sleeping pills. Please reply with sound sleep suggestions. My best to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI should point out that my main diet is fine ... its chocolate that is the problem. Thanks.
Deletecheck out Andrew Johnson on the itunes app store, he has some great guided relaxation programs. I can't seem to stay awake through his "Don't Panic" app, just make sure in the settings you have the "sleep" option checked off
ReplyDeleteSome other sleep tips.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/11/tips-for-coping-with-sleeplessness-in.html#at_pco=cfd-1.0
Hi Amanda, another self confessed chocoholic here! Lost my appetite for that and most other food for a long time after Gary's death but now find myself back into old habits. Just love Cadbury chocolate and the only way I have ever been able to stop is either have none in the house ( like that's going to happen) or have the mini solid Easter eggs... Seems to work, small delay while getting the foil off and then they can just melt in your mouth also giving me a delay which ultimately means I don't eat so much, as I can easily pig through 8 squares in less time. Also turned to sambuca and schnapps as for me I don't seem to want to nibble if I drink them instead of scotch or rum!
ReplyDeleteI've gone pretty much cold turkey on the chocolate for the last week - really the only way I can cope.
DeleteLuckily I have lots of good food to eat.