Friday, June 14, 2013
I’ve finally figured something out. I’ve struggled so much with how to move forward. I’ve gotten stuck over and over again and then I flogged myself mercilessly. I somehow am stuck with a stubborn commitment to the belief that the life I used to have will spring up and restart because, well, because of how much I love what it was –my wife, our life, our friends, our puppies, our future – all of it! I struggle still with the acceptance that that life is now gone. Crap. I suck at acceptance.
However, every once in a while, I burst forward toward my new life with big ol’ confidant strides. I can usually feel those bursts coming and I’ve written about them here on Widow’s Voice, but until now I’ve never quite understood where that energy comes from. But now I finally understand.
The secret is travel. Getting outside of my house. Living outside of my comfort zone, my familiar paths, my pig trails. Changing my reality, even temporarily. That’s the secret. Seeing the world, in all its glory, with people from different cultures eating different foods speaking different languages and trying to figure out how to use different types of toilets while I wrestle with the brain-melting hugeness of how big this planet really is. This is it. This is the secret.
Upon returning from each of my travel adventures, my path to move forward is crystal clear. I know exactly what to do, how to do it and I’m excited to get started. Then, that enthusiasm hits the goo that is sentimentality. My hard push hits passive resistance from my heart. Small but important bursts of forward movement happen but my progress quickly slows like an arrow shot into a tub of molasses. The molasses of sweet memories win the battle and I’m stuck again, walking the same familiar paths and tracing the same pig trails. Familiarity is comfortable. Sweet comfort of days gone by keeps me stuck, reflecting backward, not moving forward. But it’s different now. Now I’ve figured out the secret.
I need to book a flight. To anywhere. Right now. Who’s coming with me? Where shall we go?