It’s done. It’s been a long time in coming but all her clothes are gone. There’s now a large gaping hole in our closet where just days ago a whole bunch of happy cotton and polyester reminders used to hang. The sight of the half empty space is jarring but I feel rather numb about it all.
This was my last big rip of the band-aid, the last big step that needed to be taken, my last mountain to climb. The thought of starting that task still somehow strikes me cold, a mental game I’ve practiced so many times in the last four years. But then I remember the task is done and suddenly I panic with questions:
· Did I forget to save that special whatever?
· What if I forget about that time she wore whatever?
· Blah blah blah whatever?
The questions are rapid fire and they all lead me in one direction – the past. Since I can’t go back in time (And, oh trust me! If there was a way to mentally force time to go backwards, I’d have figured it out by now by sheer willpower and mental force!) by standing looking backward I’m still moving forward, just not the direction I choose. I’m in the passenger seat letting life drive me around while I sit and wish for what can’t be had.
It’s time I got in the drivers seat again. It’s been a long time.
you. did. it.
ReplyDeletehuge work.
Thank you. It's hard to believe that they are gone. I keep feeling like Maggie's going to be really mad at me when she comes home and discovers her clothes missing. Where the hell does that come from?
DeleteI do that too - coming up on four years, going through things preparing for a cross-country move: oh, but he'll need that when we - oh. No he won't. But if I get rid of that, will I forget when he wore it? Over and over and over.
DeleteAlmost two years here, and it's a work still in progress. Thanks for allowing me to feel normal. There are still a lot of my wife's things to donate, and I do my best to keep things "seasonal". I've kept the "most important" items in a memory box. Everything else just goes.
DeleteI think cleaning out the closet was the hardest thing to do. I actually did it about after 3 months as I decided to get new carpeting and did not want to move the clothes to another area and then have to deal with them later. It was very hard to do. I still have a few things that I just can't seem to get rid of. It will be 5 years next month. I think each of us deals with our grief in different ways. I still haven't gone through his tools.
DeleteTOOLS! that garage full, the half-finished projects sitting on his electronics bench.
DeleteClothes were easy for me, kept his work boots, Levi jacket with the cozy sheepskin lining (in case I ever get back up to Montana to spread his ashes?)and a couple of his flannel shirts. The rag box was already full of his old t-shirts--will have them till 2040!
But his tools--that is what kills me every single time I go into th garage. I hate looking for a screwdriver--every time I go into the tool chest, the neat and even rows of set after set of specialty screwdrivers reminds me again of how he'd say "Susan B! have you been in my tool chest again?" I could SWEAR I'd put the driver back exactly where I found it, but he'd know, lol! I just learned that you have to keep the battery pack for the electric drill on the charger all the time, or it will not recharge. D'oh! He could've told me that, but I never thought to ask. So many things I never thought to ask. Learning the hard way, how to live without "Mr Science" around. Miss you Honey.
Sue I can totally relate to the tools it's hard my grandson has started using the tools and I get so upset because he doesn't put things back exactly where they go.I just think its disrespecting his grandpa. I'm probably overreacting.
DeleteChris, thanks for articulating this excruciating step. I have been stricken each time I open the closet for these 9+ months; first to see his clothes hanging there, and then to see them gone. We are all as you say: "moving forward, just not the direction I choose."
ReplyDeleteWell, you did it. What a huge step. That's moving forward.... :/
DeleteIt's funny. I told a group that I'm a member of that I finally did it. They all looked very confused. One personal finally asked the question they were all thinking "Hasn't it been four years?" My "yes" answer got some funny looks but thankfully this is a very sophisticated group. I think that instead of thinking "What a loser!" they thought "Wow! This must be way harder than I'd think it would be."
Chris, thanks for articulating this painful step. I've been stricken each time I open the closet during these long 9 months; first to see his clothes there, and then to see them gone. Next step, his woodworking tools. So sad to know there will be no more buzz and hum of power tools, no more of his beautiful creations forthcoming.
ReplyDeleteWhen I encountered this task, I could hear my husband saying, "Take a picture of it!"... and that's what I did. Now if I want to remember .... I can.... It's there to see still, but not assaulting me with hurt and pain every day ... Everyone is different though and has to do what is best for them....
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your experience with us.
Pictures, exactly. Maggie took pictures of everything. You really can't imagine.
DeleteSo, a long time ago (Seriously? It's been FOUR YEARS???) when I very first started considering thinking about fixin' to maybe work on doing this, I took pictures of everything. That was just before The Moving of The Shoes event. So I have them. I don't look at them.
Then, before this latest change, I took more pictures. Maybe one day I'll look back. There's so much emotion attached to each piece of clothing, But knowing that I have the before pictures at least gives me some odd comfort.
All the posts this week seem to be really hitting home to me, yours included Chris.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you shared a walk-in closet, so I’m sure Maggie’s clothes were ‘in your face’ a lot over the years.
And now that they’re gone – their absence is probably just as loud.
Dave & I have(had) separate closets, so it wasn’t so jarring – except when I open his of course.
Three years out but I finally cleared out the bulk of his closet recently as I ready our home for sale. I just had this overwhelming feeling that he would be mad that all his clothes and shoes were gone when he finally came home. Lol! (Don’t worry. I KNOW he’s gone – it’s just a weird feeling.)
I don’t know why that’s harder for me then his tools and other belongings.
I gave away as much of his clothing & shoes as I could to family & friends earlier this year. I had the remainder in boxes & bags in my dining room – for months as I gathered the strength to drop them off at the goodwill. And I swear every time I leave another bag of his clothing at the goodwill I drive away and think, “OMG! WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE?!!!!”
I still have some of his clothing boxed up in his closet in the hopes of making a memory quilt or repurposing some of his shirts as aprons or something. I just can’t seem to let it ALL go!
Mad that all his clothes are gone. LOL is right. See my comment to Megan. I feel the exact same.
DeleteYes, we shared a walk-in closet. She, of course, dominated the closet. I said in my post that the closet was half empty. It's more like 2/3s empty. :(
The closet is the absolute hardest. It is really the only thing left.I got rid of things in waves. First, some non-important white ts and socks, then really old tennis shoes, then khaki pants he hated wearing for work...but now I am at a stand still. Everything left hanging are things he loved, stuff I bought him, favorite outfits or sports jerseys...I am stuck. I figure I will know what to do when the time is right and until then it stays. If it really starts to bother me I might just fold things and put them in bins until I figure it out again. However, I know there are items I will never let go off and I think that is OK too. There is no need to cleanse myself of everything all at once. We took his cancer one day at a time and I will take the same attitude about what I am dealing with now....at least thats what I shoot for.
ReplyDeleteChris, your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain! After he died, I cleared all his drawers and put everything in his closet. I open the door on occassion when I want to feel extra close to him. But that luxury is being taken away as I prepare to downsize to a smaller house.
ReplyDelete3 years out and it is time for me to let his things go. But as you said, so many memories. He loved certain golf shirts and his very worn out "work in the garden" shorts. How can I possibly let these things go? So very tough.
I can always tell that widow/widower look at the goodwill drop off. They are saying exactly what Valerie stated above!!!!
Thank you Chris for a great post! You are a brave person, no wonder Maggie loved you so much!!!!!
Thanks Chris for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteMaria O.
After 3+ years, I have removed almost all his things, except I saved the everyday flannel shirts he wore...they may hang there forever, and they may follow me to my next abode. No quilt planned for them, I just like seeing them hang there. It's so hard to remove these pieces from our lives, they are just another reminder of what once was, but is no longer.
ReplyDeleteI understand feeling like the passenger, I'm afraid to take the wheel, too. I not only don't want to be in control, I don't have a direction to go either.
Spread your things out so it does not look so empty and that helps.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it was, I have never regretted letting my husband's clothing go because it helped me realize he was not somewhere hiding and coming back later!
So far (18mos) I just moved his clothes out of "our" closet and into one I don't go into often. But almost every time I throw something of his away (he was a pack rat and I am going through the home office and garage), I have a dream that he came back to life somehow. And I think, oh no, we don't have your stuff anymore. He even came back once and took the old mop handles out of the garbage can! That dream made me laugh. But this is just so hard; to let go.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the giggle......I didn't even know I had any giggles inside of me......I hope some more pop out!
DeleteThanks for sharing this proceess. Everyone here sadly gets it because we all are suffering the lost of the love of our life.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 14 months since my John died unexpectantly.....when I have tried to explain how and why I have not been able to touch John's personal effects I am told they are only things now...Yet to me these things are more than things...these things are the only physical presence I have of my John....to those I try to share this with...they don't get it.
Yet at the same time I am just starting to feel irritated at these same things that I have found so much comfort in...how confusing!!!
Why do I feel like this? Is it because they remind me that John is really not here to use these things? Or that seeing the clutter here and there is starting to get to me and I know John would hate seeing this clutter? He was such a neat freak.
And like others who have written I just know John will be upset when he finds out I have been through his things and either things were missing or out of place...
So the closet remains full...he had at least 2 times the amount of clothes as I do...the boxes and bags of what little I have done remain here and there
And I stay in the passenger seat....because it is here I still can hold on to my past life with John.....yet it is not where I can stay because it is too painful...yet to live ahead without John is just as painful.....
I know exactly how you feel. It has been 19 months and I haven't been able to empty his dresser. I know he's gone, I think about emptying the dresser but knowing the pain it will cause always stops me. My head knows that I must move on, but my heart says something else! Chris, thanks for addressing this issue - it let's me know that I'm not the only one!
DeleteI remember I needed to follow Tom's desire to help others. I gave his clothes soon after the funereal, he would have wanted to give them to someone who needed them. What if his suit helped someone get a job? What is hard is being so lost and not knowing how to start over. Zoe Ann
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I'm almost 2 yrs out and can't bare to touch the closet yet or the items on top of his dresser (money clip that was in his pocket...). It makes me not feel so crazy knowing there are other people out there too that know how hard this task is. I took Rachel's class "Facing the Closet" at Camp Widow East and I feel comforted that I don't have to worry and agonize over it, I'll just know when the time is right to handle it.
Renee Heimkes
I tried hard to concentrate on the people who would receive his things at goodwill, perhaps a homeless person would be warm with his sweaters, newer jeans etc. luckily he never cared much about his clothes. I found it harder to look st his computer. I deleted everything from his computer after taking off the financial information. it felt like looking in his wallet so I couldn't go thru his files. hopefully I didn't delete anything important
ReplyDeleteHis sisters were here when he died last December. One of them mentioned that he had given her husband a pair of boots that he loved. It occurred to me that he had a lot of other shoes that her husband might be able to use. So, I offered them to her. Then it occurred to me that they might be able to use his clothes for various family members, so I offered those as well. The sisters went through his closets like a swarm of locusts and took 90% of everything. I was a bit shocked at first that I hadn't thought to keep any of those things, but I picked out a few of the leftovers that I wanted to keep and gave away the rest. I think this was an acceptable way of dealing with the closet issue - nearly all of it gone before the shock really wore off. Of course, I'm a practical person and not a saver of things I don't need. I don't recommend this route to those of you who have a hard time parting with "stuff". But I haven't missed the clothes and not seeing them hasn't bothered me much since we had separate closets. I also think he would have approved of giving his family things they could use.
ReplyDeleteIts been 3.5 years, I donated a few bags of clothing then stopped the painful process. Time to move forward again with the closet. See his things everyday, & still have our wedding photos on the same walls! Thanks for sharing, it made me feel better to realize it is a process and I'm not alone in the feelings of adjustment and changes. For me, keeping his clothes somedays does provide comfort with the feeling he is around and will return.
ReplyDeleteThere is no set "time" when it's right except when it's right for you! It's been six years since I lost my Mike and I still have some of his things in the closet. I have given them away at different times for many different reasons, my favorites being to family/friends and to our local annual veteran "stand down" here in San Diego. I have not felt the need to rush to get rid of all his "things" because having them has not affected my healing process. You need to do what's best for you (and your children if you have them) and not worry about a time table.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't completely cleaned his closet - just too hard. I did take all his t-shirts and had them made into memory quilts; one for myself and each of our girls got one. They turned out beautiful! I love covering up at night with it. A professional company called toocooltshirtquilts.com made them.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joy for sharing the web site...I want to do the same thing and did not know where to go.
DeleteI have gradually given some things to a mens homeless shelter...then had to stop ...again.
Thanks for sharing:)
Hi Chris. I loved this piece and would like permission to use a credited quote from it in a grief publication which I edit. Please contact me at jwoodall@firehero.org. Thanks. ~Jenny
ReplyDelete