Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Lost fatherhood

Stupid music.

Just when you've been good for a while - no crying, no slipping back to the memories of That Day just when your head hits the pillow, moving forward ... or at least sideways - then you hear one single song whilst driving to work and you arrive a snotty, tear-stained mess.

Just from some words sung to a lilting tune.

.... not a song about the grief of losing a spouse or friend.
.... but about a miscarriage.

I, like many women have had a miscarriage (or two).  I lost a baby at 10 weeks, which hit me hard.  But the pain (for me) has diminished over time.
But that's not why I cried.

I cried because of the way Sherran sung about wanting to hold this unborn child.

I cried because it reminded me of the way Greg felt about our babies.

He was undone by them.
This pure Australian male had a soft heart but nothing brought him to tears ... except babies.
He cried over babies lost before they were born.
He cried over babies lost just after birth (like his nephew).
He cried over babies being born and thriving (just because this is an enormous miracle when you think about it).
He was a born father (after all, his main aim in life at the age of 5 was to be "a daddy with whiskers").

It hit me just how much Greg is missing out on.
.... how proud he would be.
....how he would have cried along with the children as they grieved, and stroked their head until they calmed down.

I cried for his lost fatherhood.
...and that I have missed out on witnessing more of it.

For those that are interested, the song in question is truly beautiful, but Small Bump is not for the fainthearted (LINK WARNING - trigger imagery of hospital and of course the lyrics are about miscarriage).


  1. Amanda, what a beautiful post and tribute to Greg following Father's Day! I try to believe that my husband is in a place where he doesn't know what he missed or even experienced. However, I grieve very hard for my children who absolutely feel that total loss of no father in their lives. How totally unfair for everyone who could not celebrate Father's Day with his/her father. Life sometimes just sucks!

  2. Beautiful post,and beautiful song. Thank you for sharing.