Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Every Now and Then ......
...... a thought pops into my head.
It used to pop into my head all of the time.
In fact, it didn't so much "pop" in there ...... as it took up residence.
"I can't believe this is my life."
I'm very thankful that it only visits me once in a great while now.
Back in the early days (weeks, months) of my grief that thought would almost paralyze me with it's cold slap of reality.
I really couldn't believe that the life I was living, the reality that was a living nightmare, was really happening.
Every time that thought reared up inside of me it seemed to knock all of the air out of my lungs. It was as if that thought was so large and so all-consuming that it pushed the air ...... and the little life that seemed to be left ...... out of my body and my mind.
This is a very difficult experience to put into words. I feel incapable of describing it in a way that really conveys the huge impact this thought had on me. I feel incapable of making anyone understand the immenseness ...... and the cold inky blackness ...... that invaded my being when that thought moved in.
Anyone but you, that is.
I know that, with you, I don't have to search for words to help you understand. I don't have to struggle to make you "get it".
With you ...... I don't feel as if I now speak a completely different language that no one else understands.
And for all of that, I'm so very sorry.
But grateful, too.
I'm sorry that you understand. I wish that you didn't "get it". I hate that anyone else has to go through this hellish experience ...... and that none of you can believe that this is your life.
But I'm relieved that you do.
And I hope, with every fiber of my being, that one day, sooner than you think ...... you, too, will find that that thought no longer resides with you. I hope that you will soon realize that it only pops into your head once in a great while.
And that when it does ...... it no longer has the power to paralyze you with its cold darkness.
I hope that I can give those of you who are new here even a small piece of that hope ...... and remind those of you who are not-so-new to hold on to this:
"I can't believe this is my life" ...... as well as all of the other dark thoughts and waves that come at you relentlessly ...... really do start to fade in their strength and occurrences.
It's such a relief to find that those things, and that thought, are much easier to deal with ...... when they only come every now and then.
We all need that hope.
And those kind of reminders.
Every now and then.
Posted by Janine at 12:40 AM