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For the first time since my husband’s death, I’m struggling
with father’s day.
Today it smacked me square in the face “Your husband will
never be a father because he’s DEAD.”
My brain is full of trickery and really pisses me off.
I haven’t struggled with father’s day in the past because
Seth wasn't a father and we never had children. It’s the one holiday I don’t
struggle with. Until today.
Today my mind went back to his first suicide attempt (I
wrote about it here)
We had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months.
Not trying - trying, but not using any kind of contraceptive and we just
decided if it happens it happens. If it doesn't then it doesn't.
All signs pointed to that I was pregnant. Possibly a couple
months along. But all the pregnancy tests kept saying no.
Then my world fell apart. My husband tried to kill himself, he
was sitting in a psychiatric ward.
I’ll never forget getting the call that my husband was in
intensive care due to a failed suicide attempt. I hung up the phone, and all I
could think of is “Holy shit, what if I am pregnant??”
Being pregnant, with my husband sitting in a physic ward,
wasn't the dream I had envisioned.
Three days into my husband’s hospital stay, I started my cycle.
After three months of not having one. After three months of thinking the tests were
wrong, because my cycle had always been like clockwork. I have never gone three months without it making its lovely presence.
I assume I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage due to stress,
or that the baby was never alive.. or that for some unknown reason, my body
just stopped for three months leading me to think I was pregnant.
While Seth was still in the hospital, I went and had a 10
year contraceptive put in my body. I didn't talk to him about it. I didn't ask
his thoughts. I just did it.
I wasn't willing to bring a child into what I was going
through. I knew if I did have a baby, I would be a single parent.. but I
thought it would be due to me divorcing Seth because of his suicide attempts,
not that I would actually be a single widowed parent. I think my brain knew far
more than I did of what was coming up for us.
Seth was mad at me until the day he died for having the
contraceptive put in. I think he honestly thought having a child would fix everything and I didn't know what road he was heading down when I agreed that we could start
trying to a baby.
As I look at father’s day today, I realized that I could
have a 5 year child at this point.. and would be explaining to my child why his
daddy isn't here. In a way, it was a blessing that I wasn't pregnant. I don’t
know how I would take care of a child when most days I can’t take care of
myself. I don’t know how I would ever explain to my child that daddy killed
himself.
But in another way, it reminds me that Seth might have been a father.
And I might have been a mother.
Bipolar took my husband away. It also took away a lot of
things that Seth could have experienced.. such as being a father.
So today I am thinking of all you widowed parents. Who play
both mom and dad. Please give yourself a huge pat on the back, it’s a huge
task, and you deserve a huge hug.
Today I will wallow in what could have been. I am saddened
that Seth never got to experience being a father. I am saddened by the things
that will never happen.
My goodness. I was feeling the same yesterday. Father's Day never hit me since Felix passed, but this year...ya, the thought that he'd never get to be a dad or celebrate this day, HIT ME SO HARD. The fact that he was robbed of fatherhood by cancer and death (he would have been a damn good dad!) but moreso the fact that *I* denied him the chance to be a dad because when he was ready, I was not, killed me. I also went through a similar situation with a potential pregnancy. I suffered a miscarriage in 2007...I was late, but didn't think I was pregnant. When my cycle finally came, it was so heavy and I was in so much pain, I couldn't function and had to go to my doctor to find out what was wrong. I never told him about it. He was pre-cancer but he was about 8 months sober with horrible withdrawal symptoms. I was afraid that telling him this bad news would make him have a huge setback and turn back to his addiction. He died and didn't know he lost an opportunity to be a father.
ReplyDeleteBut ya, at the same time, I'm glad that I never did have a child with him. I remember the ICU nurse asking me if we had children, just a couple of hours before he died. I said "No and I'm glad we didn't." She was shocked at that answer and asked why. I said "Look at him now. And look at how young we are. We've only been together 6 years. We would have had a little guy or girl, a toddler. How do you tell him or her daddy is dying? No child should have to lose his dad like this. And I could never live with that on my heart." and she just stared at him, and then nodded when she realized what I meant.
I do wish I had a little piece of him, but, I can't imagine the struggle that would have been to do it alone. I am barely getting by on my own...I can't stand the thought of taking a child with me down this difficult road.
Yup. A-freakin-men. Sometimes, I swear that I grieve on behalf of my husband and what HE lost, more than I do for myself. Fathers Day destroyed me this year, for the same reason. Don will never be a dad, and he wanted that so badly. I will never be a mom, but at least Im alive. He didnt get that honor either - so most times lately when I cry, Im crying FOR him, not for me. Its so unfair all the things he was robbed of. Much love to you xo
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