Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day


For the first time since my husband’s death, I’m struggling with father’s day.

Today it smacked me square in the face “Your husband will never be a father because he’s DEAD.”

My brain is full of trickery and really pisses me off.

I haven’t struggled with father’s day in the past because Seth wasn't a father and we never had children. It’s the one holiday I don’t struggle with. Until today.

Today my mind went back to his first suicide attempt (I wrote about it here)

We had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months. Not trying - trying, but not using any kind of contraceptive and we just decided if it happens it happens. If it doesn't then it doesn't.

All signs pointed to that I was pregnant. Possibly a couple months along. But all the pregnancy tests kept saying no.

Then my world fell apart. My husband tried to kill himself, he was sitting in a psychiatric ward.

I’ll never forget getting the call that my husband was in intensive care due to a failed suicide attempt. I hung up the phone, and all I could think of is “Holy shit, what if I am pregnant??”

Being pregnant, with my husband sitting in a physic ward, wasn't the dream I had envisioned.

Three days into my husband’s hospital stay, I started my cycle. After three months of not having one. After three months of thinking the tests were wrong, because my cycle had always been like clockwork. I have never gone three months without it making its lovely presence. 

I assume I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage due to stress, or that the baby was never alive.. or that for some unknown reason, my body just stopped for three months leading me to think I was pregnant.

While Seth was still in the hospital, I went and had a 10 year contraceptive put in my body. I didn't talk to him about it. I didn't ask his thoughts. I just did it.

I wasn't willing to bring a child into what I was going through. I knew if I did have a baby, I would be a single parent.. but I thought it would be due to me divorcing Seth because of his suicide attempts, not that I would actually be a single widowed parent. I think my brain knew far more than I did of what was coming up for us.

Seth was mad at me until the day he died for having the contraceptive put in. I think he honestly thought having a child would fix everything and I didn't know what road he was heading down when I agreed that we could start trying to a baby.

As I look at father’s day today, I realized that I could have a 5 year child at this point.. and would be explaining to my child why his daddy isn't here. In a way, it was a blessing that I wasn't pregnant. I don’t know how I would take care of a child when most days I can’t take care of myself. I don’t know how I would ever explain to my child that daddy killed himself. 

But in another way, it reminds me that Seth might have been a father. And I might have been a mother.

Bipolar took my husband away. It also took away a lot of things that Seth could have experienced.. such as being a father.

So today I am thinking of all you widowed parents. Who play both mom and dad. Please give yourself a huge pat on the back, it’s a huge task, and you deserve a huge hug.

Today I will wallow in what could have been. I am saddened that Seth never got to experience being a father. I am saddened by the things that will never happen. 


  1. My goodness. I was feeling the same yesterday. Father's Day never hit me since Felix passed, but this year...ya, the thought that he'd never get to be a dad or celebrate this day, HIT ME SO HARD. The fact that he was robbed of fatherhood by cancer and death (he would have been a damn good dad!) but moreso the fact that *I* denied him the chance to be a dad because when he was ready, I was not, killed me. I also went through a similar situation with a potential pregnancy. I suffered a miscarriage in 2007...I was late, but didn't think I was pregnant. When my cycle finally came, it was so heavy and I was in so much pain, I couldn't function and had to go to my doctor to find out what was wrong. I never told him about it. He was pre-cancer but he was about 8 months sober with horrible withdrawal symptoms. I was afraid that telling him this bad news would make him have a huge setback and turn back to his addiction. He died and didn't know he lost an opportunity to be a father.

    But ya, at the same time, I'm glad that I never did have a child with him. I remember the ICU nurse asking me if we had children, just a couple of hours before he died. I said "No and I'm glad we didn't." She was shocked at that answer and asked why. I said "Look at him now. And look at how young we are. We've only been together 6 years. We would have had a little guy or girl, a toddler. How do you tell him or her daddy is dying? No child should have to lose his dad like this. And I could never live with that on my heart." and she just stared at him, and then nodded when she realized what I meant.

    I do wish I had a little piece of him, but, I can't imagine the struggle that would have been to do it alone. I am barely getting by on my own...I can't stand the thought of taking a child with me down this difficult road.

  2. Yup. A-freakin-men. Sometimes, I swear that I grieve on behalf of my husband and what HE lost, more than I do for myself. Fathers Day destroyed me this year, for the same reason. Don will never be a dad, and he wanted that so badly. I will never be a mom, but at least Im alive. He didnt get that honor either - so most times lately when I cry, Im crying FOR him, not for me. Its so unfair all the things he was robbed of. Much love to you xo