Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I'm Exhausted ......


...... in fact, I'm beyond exhausted.

I think the month of May drains me more than I realized.
Memorial Day weekend/week always brings the birthdays of three of my children and the date of my wedding anniversary.
Sometimes there's a graduation.  Or two.
It can be an emotionally draining weekend/week.
To say the least.

The tiredness I feel reminds me of the complete exhaustion that I felt after Jim died.  It seemed to require every ounce of energy I had to just walk through the house.
I remember feeling too tired to eat.  While that may sound insane to someone who hasn't experienced that depth of grief, it was very real for me.  Just the thought of getting a slice of bread out and putting it into the toaster was more than I could physically handle.

Thankfully that didn't last too long, but the exhaustion still hung on for quite a while.
I couldn't read a book for almost a year ...... because every time I started to read, I'd fall asleep.
I think it took about a year for me to be able to go to the movie theater ...... and actually see an entire movie.  I fell asleep through every single movie I saw that year.  Every one.

Grief does so much more to the human body than most people realize.
Certainly more than I realized.
And I still find it surprising that it can sneak up on me, even now ...... 5 1/2 years later ...... and affect me before I know it.

But at least I'm learning to recognize it once it's here ...... rather than think I'm going crazy.
That's a huge step.
For me anyway.

And now I'm going to get some sleep.
All this typing has worn me out.


  1. Janine, thank you for the reminder that grief does take us down both physically and emotionally and we are not crazy.

    I had the same experience that first year. Now, three years out, the exhaustion comes and goes but does seem to coincide with the arrival and departure of the grief.

    Hopefully, you will manage get some much needed rest!

  2. that's been happening to me lately--can't get through a movie, or read a book without waking up 1 hr later! Don't feel exhausted but do fall asleep. Someone suggested thyroid deficiency; brought on by stress which messes with almost all of your body regulating chemistry.
    almost 4 yrs out (July) and able to do more nowdays, but still the silence of the empty spot in my life...

  3. You're lucky you can sleep, insomnia here with me. I know I need sleep, but w/o meds I just cannot get the shut eye that I need. And with the meds I wake up so groggy I can't function for half the day, it is a vicious cycle.

    Books??? cannot retain what I read, no use in even trying.
    Can't afford movies, waste of money, they all seem so trivial. I just want it all to end some days, I try so hard to continue, but at the end of the day, I am n further along than I was the day before. Just makes no sense to be anymore.

  4. Hi Janine,

    I am tired too. My month is June. Father's Day, son's birthday, dad's death and husband's is July. This will be the second year for husband and dad. This year I am aware of the fatigue and try to rest. The first year I used the movies and a good time to get a nap.

    Thanks for the reminder that grief takes a toll on us physically too.

    Hang in there girlfriend. Get some rest and take good care.

    Maria O.

  5. So true. Now as I just pass the 8th anniversary, stuff will come up and I won't think it's the grief wearing me still is though...I start to feel a little crazy again. This month is a double whammy for me...his birthday and father's day in the same week...always gets me..even when i forget for that split second~

  6. I just returned from a 3 day camping/canoeing trip with my daughter's 6th grade class. It was a very physically challenging trip and I was sick and coughing throughout. Other girls were there with their fathers, but as it has been for the past 2 years I am the only one. Next week she graduates and another milestone goes by without him. As I have basically heard nothing from his family, not one birthday card for my kids or a Christmas note, I will expect nothing again. Thank you for posting and letting me vent a bit too. My husband would have been so good at taking her on the trip, but all she has is me. Also one of the other dads on the trip was a nurse at the first hospital I took my husband to when he became ill. They made mistakes which may have cost him his life. After an exhausting day of packing, making somewhat sketchy arrangements for care for my 14 year old, driving and canoeing for 5 hours (think rapids and no prior experience, the nurse sat in front of my tent and wanted to talk about the hospital's care of Alan. He's dead you already blew it now leave me alone I wanted to say. Instead I was polite and let him go on. thanks for letting me vent.

    1. So sorry for your loss. I commend you for your politeness with the nurse, I have had to do the same thing, doctor errors led to misdiagnoses led to death. On the inside I was screaming 'get out of my face", but being polite I did not, and just numbly let them ramble on. It takes a lot of wisdom and courage on your part to do what you did. No, it doesn't change the situation, Alan is still gone, but at the end of the day maybe you and your children can take another step forward instead of dwelling on the past. That's all any of us can do, is to keep going forward, especially for our children. Take care of you.