Photo from Hardcore Stress Management **My apologies for the raw and rude wording of this post. It's been written in the heat of the moment but I feel it would lessen it's 'feel' if I softened the wording. I hope no one is offended**
There are times I hate him for dying. Two and a half years later and I could spit fury at his lack of care for his health, for his concern for our welfare, for his love for us.
I feel so lost still at times. So alone. So bereft.
I watch others who have found love again. I see those who have never lost theirs. The jealousy and envy I feel are almost tangible.
The agony of being half of a whole is so filled with melancholy....and at times, humiliation.
Who wants the damaged goods that a widowed mother of two has to offer?
The only people who offer their services as companion or 'lover' are either already 'reserved' or are the kind of human who would whack off on a webcam to an unsuspecting stranger in an attempt to get their thrill.
I am tired of the lack of touch. I could almost molest my hairdresser for gently brushing my hair - and she's a pregnant female. I feel pathetic. And desperate. And furious at Jeff for causing this. Fucking asshole.
I feel so lost still at times. So alone. So bereft.
I watch others who have found love again. I see those who have never lost theirs. The jealousy and envy I feel are almost tangible.
The agony of being half of a whole is so filled with melancholy....and at times, humiliation.
Who wants the damaged goods that a widowed mother of two has to offer?
The only people who offer their services as companion or 'lover' are either already 'reserved' or are the kind of human who would whack off on a webcam to an unsuspecting stranger in an attempt to get their thrill.
I am tired of the lack of touch. I could almost molest my hairdresser for gently brushing my hair - and she's a pregnant female. I feel pathetic. And desperate. And furious at Jeff for causing this. Fucking asshole.
You are not alone in these feelings ........and I thought it was only me.
ReplyDeleteI so agree! Try being in your 60's and see what you get. all my friends and their spouses are retiring and traveling--and loving and I just keep going to work and smile like I am happy for them. The jealousy is plpable at times, too.
ReplyDeleteI applaud your honesty. Although I don't feel angry at my husband for ignoring his health, I do feel jealousy and envy when I see other couples together. I love your posts. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to read this today. I have been dwelling lately on the fact that Matt should be 41 next week instead of dying at 38. I am soo mad at him for leaving us. There was so much he could have done to prevent his unexpected death-exercise, diet, facing down the stress inducers, telling the negative factors (people) in life where they could just stick it. No one understands why I would be mad at him. He could have prevented this and didn't!!! He left me with 4 kids and no future, alone with no prospect for anything! That's why. Jerk!
ReplyDeleteJackie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your blunt honesty.
I get it.
Unfortunately.
don't apologize - this is actually very refreshing to many.....i can relate to this one more than I can many others....so thank you!
ReplyDeleteI get it. I love you, Jackie.
ReplyDeleteIn my honest opinion, we are less damaged from being widowed than many people are from loveless marriages and ugly divorces.
You have nothing to apologize for. I think we all feel like that from time to time! I know I do and my husband was killed at no fault of his own and I still get mad at him for not being here.
ReplyDeleteSO understand the honesty - AND So appreciate the honesty! Thank you. I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteI get it...and I thought it was only me.
ReplyDeleteI got so mad the first time I felt rejection from trying to date again. I got made at Mike - for dying and making me have to date again!
I get it. I had it all and now I have to reinvent myself with a crap load of baggage attached and a lot less energy. I have been very angry this week. You are not alone in this at all.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is so refreshing and...real! I get sick of hearing the "BS"...life is really damn hard when you're a widow. Reality bites! I know it makes sense that most people want to tell you positive things but I get sick of hearing it. They're not with me in my darkest moments..hell on Earth. Again, thank you! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteConnie H.
Brilliant! Brilliant! Just brilliant! Wonderful honest and yup, fucking asshole is so damn right! Rage it up, girl and then do it some more!!!
ReplyDeleteDo not apologize for your anger. You have aright to it. It is not fair. It makes no sense. I am not anger at my husband, but I am angry at the fact that our society treats widows like we are invisible, they just do not get how hurtful things can be for us. Iam anger at couples I over hear arguing in in supermarkets, etc. They have no clue what they actually have- people who do not get how painful it is to me for my children to not have their dad. Young widows are had to find - I would love to have more frinds who are like me, but no where in my state is there a plce to find them- I do not get it/ ///I am can not be the only one in RI. Thank God for this blog- it has been a life saver for me.
ReplyDeleteI've had the same thoughts, but wondered if it was just me. I've wanted to tell someone, but who can handle these types of thoughts?
ReplyDeleteThanks for being real!
I feel the same...Has been almost 12 months since my husband died. Now I am feeling angry he did not take better care of his health. I am left with a mess and a broken heart. 34 years of marriage and I am starting over. HATE IT!!!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this myself. However, it's not so much the anger that I feel anymore, but the despair. Otherwise, every word I can identify with.
ReplyDeleteI just love the fact that we can come here to write/comment about our REAL feelings and thoughts. Not the watered-down versions we give to "others" and especially the "jokes" that only we get and we think are hilarious.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably one of the few (if not the ONLY) places most of us can come to be truly real.
Truly.
I agree with the above comments- it is great to read the real feelings people have and not the proper book versions. WE can not share this with others because we know they will not get it at all-,besides I do not need anyone to try to make me feel better or differently, which is what they might feel obligated to do.
ReplyDeletethankyou for your blog ,your honesty,everything..... i lost my man in february, your stuff just helps me get through it that bit better norma
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I hear you. I lost my husband not quite eight months ago... to suicide. And almost every word of your post could have come from me.
ReplyDeleteThank you...I lost my husband 18 months ago.I have and do still feel all the feelings you have listed. I am in my 60's . Dating? I have tried but not a good experience. Holidays and family are great but the empty painful hollow feeling is just as painful as if it just happened. Angry yes and lonely and unfair feelings are here. It is nice to know I am not the only widow feeling these things..Jody
ReplyDeleteI applaud your honesty. I don't feel anger towards my husband, but I have been angry at the way he died. He fell off the roof taking down Christmas lights. He broke his back and the doctors said he would be fine, but a blood clot is what killed him. In Feb. it will be three years that he is gone. I still have all the feelings you are feeling, yet I am so grateful for my family and friends who have stuck by me.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and wish I could really tell people what I really feel like. I'm angry at the whole messed up life its given me and the way its left me feeling like I don't know who the hell I am anymore. I can't say that I'm angry at my husband but more the way he died so suddenly without even a second chance. It will be 1 year on December 26th and the holidays really suck. I'm 53 and never felt old before now. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but lately I've felt like I can't get my body and brain going in the same direction.
ReplyDeleteI can't relate to the aspect of your post about your husband being able to do something about his death, because that was not the case with my husband. However, I can relate to the anger of being left alone unexpectedly. It has been almost two years for me. The first year I dealt with the depression and sadness of my husband no longer being with me. The second
ReplyDeleteyear was dealing with my life without my husband. Life indeed does suck at this point and I haven't entertained the thought of a date, although I too miss being touched (not sex necessarily). I hope with time, I find a new normal that brings me some degree of happiness.
Thank you so much for your insightful and wonderful observations about your feelings. This will be my second holiday season without my husband. 16 months later and my outlook on life and the future actually frightens me. I am beginning to feel as my "new" normal isn't going to be so hot.
ReplyDeleteI am angry too- livid really. He was a physician who accidentally ( I hope) overdosed medications prescribed for me. I feel like a mess- sad, lonely, depressed, with moderate suicidal ideation. Will life ever become just "OK?"
Thank you again
I have just found this site after one year of searching the web for some kind of help and thoughts from other widows. Have been reading it non stop and it has helped so much. Obviously this post struck me because it is the first one I feel the need to comment on although not really sure what I want to say other than i noticed this post has way more comments than most. Guess it strikes a cord with a lot of us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for expressing honest feelings. Today is one year for me and I am still numb with pain and loneliness at times. I'm not so much angry with my husband for dying as with others who still don't understand. I can't be better and over his absence in such a short time. The move on's, start dating, get a dog, and just smile don't change the sadness and loneliness in my heart. I know I have to do this in my own way and time and to hell with what others think. Until they walk in our shoes they don't have aclue. Thanks for listening.
ReplyDeleteI have to laugh at the dating again part. I went on a date with a man, he asked how long I had been divorced, and when I said I wasn't divorced I was a widow, the look on his face said it all...No man apparently wants to compete with a "perfect" dead guy...So knowing there would be no second date, I said: "Don't worry, it was a heart attack, not a homicide. You're safe!" And I was right, there was no second date....
ReplyDelete